To find second hand presents disrespectful

[BeBlueSquid]

We have a family member who always gifts us second hand gifts and it is obvious that they are.
I wasn't so bothered about myself but now my 4yo daughter has started to realise for example the book is worn and the toys are dirty.
I must add that they are very well off and besides you can get a little toy or book most places for £10.

With that crap that is around second hand should be encouraged but at 4 my child would have noticed a book or toy not state it was in

That is totally different to this situation. The equivalent might be if the bottle had been opened and some taken and then it was passed on.

Would you do that?

Dirty books, age-inappropriate, stuff that is obviously used and an afterthought rather that a carefully chosen, person appropriate gift is obviously disrespectful.

OP - they are being cheap and are insulting you and your intelligence. How you deal with the situation without blowing up relationships I do not know. But ignore anyobe trying to tell younthat you are being unreasonable here.

Exactly! Birthdays and Christmas aren't the time to shift your outgrown stuff.

Well, when the gifts are:

"...the book is worn and the toys are dirty."

It really does seem to show that the person cares nothing for the child and/or parents that the gift is intended for. It's quite possibly a deliberate insult.

I agree, but the point is that none of that has happened in this case:

"...the book is worn and the toys are dirty."

The difference is that you did take the time to clean it and ensure it was suitable to be given as a gift. That didn't happen in this situation.

I have a friend who only gifts regifts. You can end up receiving a pair of socks from the US state where her brother lives to a dusty candle. They're usually not at all relevant to the recipient.

The funniest things have been a diary already completed by her daughter and colouring pencils embossed with her son's name. Least funny was a calendar for the previous year.

She's most insistent that we continue to do presents and it's a Christmas highlight now to see what she's found for me and the family.

Have you never asked her why your children get second hand when nieces ' get new things? I don't mind second hand gifts if they are 1. Clean/not obviously used and 2. Correspond to my children's interests

I would definitely tell my mum to not bother about gifts anymore because it's hurtful to not put any thought in and also make such a difference between yours and nieces children. Get her a used book on manners for christmas.

How about regifting the regifted items this Christmas ? Would be fun to see her reaction 😄

Just bag it all up and take to a charity shop. Not worth raising as an issue. This is what I do. Sometimes the stuff doesn't even make it out of the bag it gets given in.

We used to have a brilliant toy shop locally that resold outgrown toys. You took back the ones that they had got too old for, they cleaned them and resold them. Lego, Playmobil etc. DS was 5 or 6 before he realised that toys were sold with cellophane bags and packaging. DBIL buys almost all the grandchildren's toys on FB Marketplace. Children are so spoiled and easily bored now that huge piles of plastic tat will be discarded by Boxing Day morning. Glitz and advertising are to blame.

Love all the up-their-own-arses going on about ‘vintage’ this and ‘carefully chosen’ that. That is not what the op means. She means someone’s old worn and dirty tat that they don’t want and have wrapped it up and given it to her child. Presumably to save themselves a trip to the tip.

It’s not just disrespectful, it’s bloody insulting and hurtful.

There are second hand books and then there are second hand books. If you are gifting, for example, a first edition Harry Potter hardback (or even paperback for the first one) then, for somebody who is into that, they are not going to really care about the condition of the book.

In contrast, if you are just giving a dog-eared paperback copy of some random book then, I would suggest, you really should think again.

Every time you buy a new book, the author gets (at least a little bit of) some money for their work. If you buy a second hand then they get nothing.

Although of course, if the author has since died, you may not be so concerned about that.

I'm a big fan of buying second hand but would never give a second hand gift unless I knew them really well and knew they wouldn't mind. My lovely MIL buys my kids lots of little things secondhand (toys etc) when she sees them in charity shops or whatever. She wouldn't give us anything dirty though - she finds nice things you wouldn't really know were secondhand

I would be fine with second hand though not dirty or badly worn. I usually get my own kids second hand stuff for Christmas and they are fine without it being brand new in the boxes. I am usually careful though only to give really good quality second hand stuff to others where it would be hard to tell it was unless I know they are fine with it too

My kids are getting a pile of second hand books for Xmas because:

• kids interests change rapidly
• they don't look after books very well
• I can get them so many more than if brand new

Some of the books have bashed corners and I wipe them down.

My cousin used to give us second hand gifts. When my DD was 5 she received a women’s size 10 nightdress with egg stains on it. Regifting is fine by me!

Just tell them you'd rather not do gifts anymore. I'm sure it won't be a great loss and will save any angst 🤷‍♀️

We have joked about doing this - I'm not brave enough!
She actually quite dismissive of the gifts she receives too.

I grew up expecting hand-me-downs, because I was born in 1955. Most of my clothes were handed down, and passed on again when I outgrew them. And so were toys. A new doll (Sindy in my youth) was a special and it allowed the family to send new Sindy outfits as presents for less than a quid for a year or two.

I am totally ok with second hand clothes from Vinted. I would rather 5 second hand Zara tops from Vinted than 1 new one from the shop.

you can get 5 books for £10 at the works, so there's really no excuse

I put yabu because I have no issue with regifting or second hand things (for example bought everyone books by a local author one year but because they are out of print, all were obviously used). But that was after a discussion about those books. If it is just a constant and the things are not in good order, yanbu.

Someone else has to have been the butt of my ex in-laws gifts. I honestly think she did for the rise. You could could see here itching to start lecturing about the planet. Another 'susStainable ' gift.
The only thing I actually gave back was actually new, this was 15 years ago but still not acceptable - it was a handmade golliwog.
Everything else, we went for how kind of you to think of us, then in the bin. The charity shop is not the place for torn, worn out toys or books.

Personally I think it's fine. But I'd say in your situation it's not really second hand presents that are the problem, it's things that are inappropriate to your child and are dirty.