Toddler Screen Time

[Gmary22]

So, I have a very active 12 month old, she's been walking for a couple of months now, is very active and doesn't really like to play with toys independently for extended periods. I should add she's hitting all of her milestones early and is a very switched on, bright, happy little girl.

DH and I have been falling out as he thinks she should have no screen time at all, but the reality is, if she doesn't have any screen time, it means he needs constant entertaining which I/we just don't have the energy for all the time, so she ends up just wandering around the house whining. Plus sometimes I feel like she just needs a break as well!

I am a SAHM and I do something with her everyday, either going to a play morning at the local children's center, going to a soft play or to the park, or to rhyme time. I also make sure we read books at home, we play, go on lots of walks and to the shops every day. But, sometimes I have no energy and just need a break, so I put miss Rachel on for half an hour or so. My husband used to be fine with this but all of a sudden after reading an article that said children should no screen time he doesn't want her to have any.

This is making life difficult, for example its Sunday, we've just put the Christmas tree up, we've had a long weekend and were tired, baby is teething so none of us are getting much sleep and she's grumpy. I sat down to write this post, so I put Christmas Miss Rachel songs on for baby, DH has come in, turned it off and sat there just bouncing a ball as an attempt to play with her, she's walked off uninterested and and is now grabbing my laptop crying wanting to be picked up.

Sometimes I/we all just need a break, especially when were tired and don't have the energy to play properly. We all just get grumpy with each other and none of us are relaxing or having fun. I've explained to him that the problem is using screens all day so they children don't get other experiences, but that I am doing things with her every day and unless he has the energy to play with her, just turning he TV off and watching her whing until I step in and entertain her isn't really helping anyone.

She doesn't watch a lot of TV, about an hour a day, usually while I'm making dinner or need a rest in the early evening because I'm tired after being active all day and 90% of the time its Miss Rachel which is educational.

Am I being unreasonable? Should we be constantly entertaining our 1 year old never having a break to watch half an hour of TV with her?

We've had Mog's Christmas, and the Snowman and Snowdog on this afternoon and feel no guilt. We were out all day yesterday and this morning had a walk before putting the Christmas tree and decorations up in the house. We all needed a little quiet time. 2 year old doesn't sit still in front of the tv, he carries on pootling around. It just means I can say "what's the pussy cat doing now" etc and he can tell me what's happening.

When it became a third parent.

When children had to be either actively entertained by a parent or the TV and 'just playing' became something people didn't believe possible.

My kids played while the TV was on. It wasn't some magical box that was only switched on for 2 minutes a day.

Out of interest, if the two year old is happy playing anyway why have the TV on at all?

I should report the educational psychologist and therapists who undertook my son’s autism assessment then. As they very much understood that autistic children often struggle with imaginative, self directed play. If only they just ‘believed’ a little bit more eh?

No-one said the play had to be imaginative.

Hold fire on suing the educational psychologist!

There are also just differences in how tv in treated in households and that will influence the approach.

In some households the tv is on all day like background noise.

And in others it's only turned on at specific times to watch a specific programme and then immediately turned off.

If you are the later then you will have a different approach to tv time to the former.

What about the sheer amount of distress perceived abandonment causes him then? Which is absolutely how he views refusals to interact or ‘play’ - look up rejection sensitive dysphoria, common in ADHD and autism. Ironically, he is not infrequently told no as sometimes, intense 1:1 interaction isn’t possible. I wish I could record his reaction for people like you who clearly don’t think we are parenting properly. 4 bloody years we’ve been trying to develop independent play and it hasn’t got any easier.

That must be very difficult.

Does the TV satiate his need for intense 1:1 interaction?

It’s strange because today at the park (the epitome of good parenting you would think) there was a woman with a baby who I would say was around nine months who just sat in her pushchair. Just sat.

I don’t think either of mine are especially demanding or difficult, especially dc2, but no way would they just … sit.

The main issue with screens is when it replaces other activities. I’m confident mine do a range of different things which don’t involve screens at all.

Yes, sometimes it does. For a relatively short period of time. We are generally quite a low TV household - he has an hour a day at most, often a lot less. We chose to meet his desire for intense 1:1 interaction where possible as he is generally more regulated both at home and, more importantly, at school, if his emotional bucket is full.

But I get that for other parents who aren’t as fortunate as DH and I are (relatively flexible jobs, good physical health, strong relationship, relative financial security) TV can be an absolute godsend to help dysregulated kids regulate, alongside allowing for some much needed downtime. And I absolutely don’t judge them for that.

Background noise probably.

Use the telly for a break - it’s not unreasonable.
There’s educational bits you can pop on if you feel bad about it!

Maybe you don't agree with having the tv on at all. My 2 year old is delightful and very switched on little sausage, but can be a full on whirlwind. If I need to have a drink / tidy up a bit I will put a Julia Donaldson on for 20mins so we can chat about what's happening and have a distraction from climbing on mummy / the sofa / pulling out all of the toys.

The only TV my DC all got was watching Countdown at that age! They came to love the countdown clock noise!

Other than that perhaps numblocks or something phonics based.

Screens for under 2s really isn't recommended.

Congratulations on your bright toddler.

Had absolutely nothing to do with my question though, which was about why have it on if the child ISN'T watching it. Not why would you have it on if he is watching it (I managed to work that one out for myself!).

They won’t play independently for a good chunk of time for a while get! You have to give them a different activity every few minutes. Toy rotation is a pain but really does help, swap a different basket of toys around each week (did this all the time with my first, never with my second but if I could just get myself sorted enough to do it I know he’d massively benefit from it).

If your DH is at home and doesn’t want her watching tv, then he entertains her.

If you’re exhausted, time her naps to be done at home so you can get a break. Do the household jobs during her awake time - this is honestly the biggest game changer I learnt going from one to two kids. First kid I drove myself mad trying to race around getting all the jobs done while he slept. Second kid I chill while he sleeps and then we do jobs together when he’s awake, yes it takes (a lot) longer but it means less playing and more learning for them and more downtime for you.

It’s tough though I do get it. My eldest had no screen time until 2+. Youngest (20 months) gets it because it’s on but doesn’t sit down and actually watch it and he doesn’t have it on when eldest is out, the only exception has been this last week when he has been so poorly he’s not wanted to move off the sofa.

I agree with your husband and haven’t used tv with either of mine. I also don’t think it’s inevitable that a younger child watches tv because of the older one as that isn’t something we do either.

You’ll have to work it out between you as equal parents but he’s not wrong though he may be unusual given by many comments on here.

I really wouldn’t over worry. My middle child was glued to cartoons for years, he wouldn’t even hear you speak to him. Yet he left school with top results, applied to Oxbridge and on track for a 1st next summer with a career already sorted with a graduate job in the bag. Both mine were watching TV at 1. DD is also planning to apply to oxbridge next year. Seriously has done none of them any harm at all. Needs must sometimes, he’s being OTT. Given he’s not the one entertaining a grumpy child half the time.

Think it depends on your child and routine. DD1 was so chilled and relaxed. She didn't watch TV at all until she was about 2.5 years old and dropped her nap. She used to watch about 30 minutes before tea.
DD2 was opposite and really hard work when she was young so we did use the TV more probably from younger than 1 as well.
DS has never really watched TV. He was at nursery in the week and we're often out at weekends. Now he is doing a reduced timetable at school we do put the TV on but it's hit and miss if he'll watch it. He prefers to be outside most of the time.
So depends non your child. I'm not anti TV at all and don't see anything wrong with a bit of chill out time. If DH doesn't like it he can entertain her (and not let her grab your laptop)!

My DH occasionally voiced similar things which I shut down. Then he started looking after both children and realised how useful and much needed that down time is, and apologised for his comments months earlier!
When I was pregnant and struggling is when I started using TV for my son, so about 15 months I think. I also adopted a rule of resting when he did, and only doing chores when he was awake pottering about. I tried to get him involved as much as possible even if it took twice as long, who cares, hoovering and sweeping was our activity of choice that afternoon.
I wonder if you could reach a compromise with DH on types of programme and duration, OP. For instance the intensely American accented Ms Rachel I do not allow because I don't want my children speaking like that. My toddler's pronunciation isn't great as it is, I don't want him confused. We exclusively watch iPlayer Cbeebies and I try to choose programmes which are less full on stimulating and slower paced. Eg Julia Donaldson films like Gruffalo or Tabby McTat, Vegesaurs, Peter Rabbit, Patchwork Pals, Bing.
I think you should get DH to do some more solo days with your DD too, you're totally right that he just won't appreciate how constant it is and also you're always there being ultimately responsible so he won't bother to step up.

The Julia Donaldson films are lovely but unless I have an exceptionally slow toddler (I don’t think I do) I doubt that they would be able to follow much under the age of two.

My 16 month old watches Ms Rachel, she also likes Teletubbies, Twirlywoos, Something Special and Moon and Me. There’s no way she could follow anything like Bluey or Numberblocks.

Mine would howl, immediately 😂

My 2 year old will have a little watch and we chat about it, then do something else for 2mins, then have a little watch again. He's neither ignoring it completely, not sat there glued to the screen. I was only commenting so the OP knew other parents will put the telly on for a bit of background noise / distraction / a break from rotating toys around. It really doesn't matter.

Likewise with mine. I remember going to a brunch childfree when my DS was about a year old and friend's child of 2 weeks older was just sitting in a highchair playing with toys or cuddling her mum. My DS wouldn't do that since about 6 months. I was really surprised. 2 hours and she never grumbled or got bored once.
All children are different, obviously! I feel no shame in claiming much needed rest when pregnant or looking after baby DD to stick DS in front of TV for 30 mins. The whole rest of the day we're doing activities too.