Toddler Screen Time

[Gmary22]

So, I have a very active 12 month old, she's been walking for a couple of months now, is very active and doesn't really like to play with toys independently for extended periods. I should add she's hitting all of her milestones early and is a very switched on, bright, happy little girl.

DH and I have been falling out as he thinks she should have no screen time at all, but the reality is, if she doesn't have any screen time, it means he needs constant entertaining which I/we just don't have the energy for all the time, so she ends up just wandering around the house whining. Plus sometimes I feel like she just needs a break as well!

I am a SAHM and I do something with her everyday, either going to a play morning at the local children's center, going to a soft play or to the park, or to rhyme time. I also make sure we read books at home, we play, go on lots of walks and to the shops every day. But, sometimes I have no energy and just need a break, so I put miss Rachel on for half an hour or so. My husband used to be fine with this but all of a sudden after reading an article that said children should no screen time he doesn't want her to have any.

This is making life difficult, for example its Sunday, we've just put the Christmas tree up, we've had a long weekend and were tired, baby is teething so none of us are getting much sleep and she's grumpy. I sat down to write this post, so I put Christmas Miss Rachel songs on for baby, DH has come in, turned it off and sat there just bouncing a ball as an attempt to play with her, she's walked off uninterested and and is now grabbing my laptop crying wanting to be picked up.

Sometimes I/we all just need a break, especially when were tired and don't have the energy to play properly. We all just get grumpy with each other and none of us are relaxing or having fun. I've explained to him that the problem is using screens all day so they children don't get other experiences, but that I am doing things with her every day and unless he has the energy to play with her, just turning he TV off and watching her whing until I step in and entertain her isn't really helping anyone.

She doesn't watch a lot of TV, about an hour a day, usually while I'm making dinner or need a rest in the early evening because I'm tired after being active all day and 90% of the time its Miss Rachel which is educational.

Am I being unreasonable? Should we be constantly entertaining our 1 year old never having a break to watch half an hour of TV with her?

She sounds great if she's doing 15 minutes independently playing.

Particularly at the weekend you need to tag team to have a break.

He's in charge for an hour, and you leave the room and do something else

This is what all people did with 12 month olds before the screen revolution.

They whinge for a bit and then they learn to entertain themselves.

Your DH is right, a one year old shouldn't be sat in front of a screen for an hour a day. They also shouldn't be being actively entertained constantly. Push through the whining and enjoy life on the other side.

DS2 is nearly 2 and doesn't have screen time, but his nap time I have as a complete break. Any household stuff gets done with him pottering around. Laundry is usually a success as he likes pointing out who all the items belong to, cooking is very varied... We did the same with DS1, and only introduced TV when he dropped the nap. It was definitely easier with DS1 as he was a more placid child generally!

Thanks for the advice, I don't think you actually have children though!

I'd say the norm is that screen/tv time is introduced when the nap stops. So between 18 months and 3 depending on the child.

So that the child can have some quiet time in the middle of the day.

This is my experience too.

My experience is that no one worries about screen time in real life half as much as they do on mumsnet.

Our TV is always on which is the same as my friends with children too. They aren’t always actively watching it but it’s on.

Thanks for the advice, I don't think you actually have children though!

Strange response just because you don't like that some parents don't use screens with their very young children.

I do have a child and I've looked after many, many more that are not my own.

No baby needs a screen. It's bad for development.

My DD is nearly 9 now - she is super bright (one of the top of her class), kind, funny, creative, curious, an absolute book worm, artistic, sporty etc - I say all of this for context because when she was 12 months old - I would absolutely let her watch some Peppa pig or Paw Patrol or something on after we had been out playing and exploring all day. I would be absolutely pooped (she was also a dreadful sleeper when she was younger) and needed a bit of down time on the sofa. As above I can not see evidence of any harm to her development what so ever. Honestly as with pretty much everything in life, moderation is key.

Nursery rhymes is fine
Repetition rhythm often colors numbers etc
It s not die hard 2

Totally agree that it should be a TV... preferably one with proper programmes with real humans (cbeebies Katie morag type stuff) nothing on a short loop or that's interactive as that's what leads to the mindless swiping.
And it should be when you want to make a cuppa and sit down and watch it with her, having a bit of a chat about what's happening. That's the bit that's educational, your interaction with her.
And it sounds like you are doing that.

BTW I think the best amount of screen time for a young child's development IS zero. But it's a trade off when you have one human looking after them most of that time- that's not how we evolved, it's intense work and yes you do need a tea break!

Edited to say my kids fully dropped their nap by 12-14 months (it runs in the family). If they'd napped for a couple of hours in the afternoon I would have taken a break then instead and perhaps managed without the TV break!

I have a 3yo. When he was a year old I started doing lots of sensory boxes with "safe" food, sand, etc and some scoops and buckets to move it round. It kept him occupied while I made a quick dinner or had a cup of tea that was still hot. It has paid dividends, because he is now happy to entertain himself when needed.

We didn't do TV at home until he was 2.5, though I think he probably had it at nursery a month earlier than that.

I didn't introduce screen time until mine were 2. I think that's what the evidence suggests is right.

I wasn't a SAHM though and I do understand that this age is challenging, independent play isn't doable for all children that age

TBH that's partly why I wasn't a SAHM, it is pretty tedious entertaining a child of this age all day

I would recommend lowering your expectations on housework and not trying to get much done during the day, use naptime as a break for you, and consider getting a bit of help if you can afford it - whether that's a cleaner or a bit of childcare

I used screen time at that age (DD only contact napped so it was necessary to get some things done) but where possible I sat with her and talked to her about what we were watching.

i would say what you watch is the most important factor. Miss Rachel is educational and I would say fairly low to medium stimulation level. Cocomelon has a high frame rate and high level of stimulation. I’d say on CBeebies Bing and Twirly Woos, the Moon and Me and In the Night Garden is all ok in small doses. My DD adored Bing from about 18 months. Puffin Rock on Netflix is very calm as is Frog and Toad on Apple TV but they may not entertain an under 2 much.

We watched small amounts from 12 months, more from 18 months and probably 1-2 hours a day from 2 years. DD is 3 now and very active, articulate and nursery report very positively on her.

Pre warning OP. On MN you are a Very Bad Parent if your DC can’t or won’t play independently. I spent hours stressing over this with DC1. I actually laughed at a comment above stating ‘they whinge for a bit and then find something to amuse themselves with’. DC1 had and still has endless capacity for demanding stimulation and adult attention without relenting. He’s actually neurodiverse, but to be honest I think very head strong NT children can be exactly the same. It’s only since DC2 came along who actually will entertain himself that I realised it’s not me, it’s them!

We exhausted ourselves avoiding TV with DC1 until age 2. Drove ourselves into the ground trying to meet his endless need for stimulation and interaction. If I could have my time again I’d give myself a slap and say stick CBeebies on for 20 minutes and don’t feel bad about it!

And thinking about it logically… if it wasn’t your first child then ‘no screens until 2’ would be pretty much impossible unless you do no screens at all for any of the kids, and I think it would be on the extreme end of the scale to (for example) ban a 6YO from watching a bit of TV in case your 3rd baby sees it!

Fwiw this wasn't really an issue for us. When DS2 was a baby, DS1 had his screen time when DS2 had his nap. It's pretty much why we introduced screens actually - it helped to have DS1 occupied while getting DS2 off to sleep

Thank you, DD is very intelligent and active and incredibly head strong which actually makes it harder I think. As with your child she demands constant interactions and entertainment. My friends babies, even from a young age would just lie there and watch their mobile or bounce in their bouncer, not DD, she wanted to be held upright constantly from 5 weeks old, wouldn't be put down and was running around causing mayhem by10 months. Even now when I meet up with my friends with babies the same age, they are so quiet and just sit there nicely while DD is quite full on. Lovely, but full on haha!

It sounds like you're giving her a beautiful childhood. I wouldn't worry about half an hour of TV a day, but if you'd like to work on screen time with your DH I recommend looking at @ uschooler on Instagram. He does screen time management videos, reviewing kids TV & YouTube shows to see which ones are best for developing minds. Some (unfortunately including Ms Rachel) are fab for education, but are also designed to be very stimulating and addictive.

If you'd like to get an extra break through the day, at that age my very wild, very koala like toddler would sit happily for an hour with a bucket of water and some cups to pour in too, or a bucket of sand. Makes a total mess if you do it indoors, but requires minimal supervision, and they're entranced by how sensory it is. Even now my nearly 3 year old has a massive storage box of sand in the kitchen that he'll happily play for hours with - worth the hoovering!

Screens and internet weren't a thing then my oldest two were toddlers so yes it can be done. We had internet at home but no tablets and snartphones. Internet was mostly for work.

We have an 11 yo as the youngst. I did screen time at 1 yo but only to expose her for my native language and always together with a parent. Not just for entertainment.

Of course you can raise children without a screen and you can raise a child with one. It's a choice but both can be done.

@Gmary22
OP my DD 5 gave up all naps at 18 months, so we used an hour tv to get her (and us) to rest a bit in the middle of the day else she'd be non stop and it was exhausting. I worked part time, she got loads of one to one attention from both me and DH (both teachers, both thought we were anti screens until all naps stopped).
As for development it clearly didn't harm her as she started school this September and can read fluently, is sociable and happy. Wish I could go back and not bother worrying about it at all. Give yourself a break and put on alphablocks!

You could be describing DC1. I remember crying whilst reading on here during a moment of despair that a 3 month old should be happy in a bouncer looking out of a window at light and shadows. At that age, DC1 was basically crying if he wasn’t been walked around, upright, facing outwards, inspecting an ever changing vista, such as moving traffic or a fun run. Nobody will believe you unless they’ve had a baby like this. It’s very hard, especially when it’s your first

We didn't always have screen time. Yes we had TV.. but my children played with toys.. l read to them.. played toys with them.. gosh how did we manage back in the day?.. we just did.

90s parents plonked us in front of the TV and we turned out fine.

All i can remember is watching TV for hours on end, everyone still grows up to want to watch Netflix or tele at the end of a day, look at 70+ year olds, never had TVs growing up but they're obsessed now!! We all end up the same. We "read" about how bad screen time is whilst looking into a screen and expect our kids to grow up and inevitably never use a screen! Its ridiculous. She will be fine and your husband needs to chill.

I'm 29 for context, i also have a 12 month old and 39 weeks pregnant with my second so screen time is necessary at times.

Ah, you have one of those children. Me too.
“Just give them a wooden spoon and a pot and they’ll be entertained for hours” yeah bloody right!

What I took from this though (this was me about 18 months ago, like literally everything you’ve written) is it’s actually the whinging you need to work on. She is whinging because she is communicating the only way she knows how, and guess what? You respond to it quickly. Guess what she’s learning to do to get you to respond quickly? More whinging.

What you need to do, and consistency is key here, is every time you are busy or doing something where you can’t instantly stop is to say “I’m sorry darling, mummy is just doing x. Let me finish doing x and then I will pick you up/help you with that”. Then when you are finished the thing you were doing you can do what she is asking. At her age it’s difficult because she doesn’t have the language yet, but soon she will, but if you keep responding to whinging she will default to that even when she does have the words. I had this with my little girl, so even when she could talk…. Eurghhh the whinging! But I started doing this AND then when I knew she could communicate words I would say “I’m sorry darling, I do want to help you but I can’t understand what you’re saying when you don’t use words”.
I was very consistent with this and genuinely started to see results within a couple of weeks. It’s not always a whinge-free zone (hello, toddlers!) but it’s soooo much better.

The thing to remember is that although she is a toddler who still needs you a lot, she isn’t a baby anymore who needs feeding that very second, or holding that very instant.

She sounds very bright and it might be the time to start introducing things to make her feel very big and clever. Once she gets that taste for independence she might be more inclined to leave you alone and figure things out herself. Start small, like “when we’ve finished brushing our teeth, the toothbrush goes here” then after every time you brush her teeth you give her the toothbrush and ask her to put it back and say a lot of “thank you for helping mummy” types of things.

The fact you are so responsive to her that’s she’s become a whinger tells me you are a good mum. Now you’re questioning screen time, also a good mum. I very much doubt you give her too much screen time from what you say and some days you just need to survive.

Work on her independence (it’s what she’s crying out for) and then you may find you don’t need much screen time anyway.

When did watching the TV become 'screen time' OP it's fine. MN is weird about kids watching TV.