To be fed up of "you're daughter is nothing like you" comments from MIL

[DiaperDutyDiva]

My MIL has this ongoing habit of constantly pointing out how much our daughter looks and acts like my husband. She calls her his “twin” and makes it clear she sees no resemblance between my daughter and me. This isn’t just a rare comment—it’s every single time she visits (which is 1-2 full days per month), whenever a photo is shared in our group chat, or even when she randomly sends us baby pictures of my husband with captions like, “Isn’t she the spitting image of her daddy?”

I’m not exaggerating when I say I hear some version of “You are nothing like her” at least a few times a week. My MIL will even say things directly to my toddler like, “You’re nothing like your mummy, are you? All daddy!” My husband brushes it off, saying she doesn’t mean any harm, but honestly, it’s exhausting and hurtful.

It’s not just about looks either. If our daughter does something clever or cute, like solving a puzzle or climbing well, my MIL will say things like, “That’s some clever genes from your daddy,” or “You’ve got good genes from your daddy.” It’s as if any positive trait she displays must come from him, never from me.

Objectively, my daughter has my hair color, my eye color, and a mix of features from both of us. She’s petite like I was as a child, while my husband was a chunky toddler. Yes, she resembles him, but she also looks a lot like me.

It’s reached a point where the comments feel less like innocent observations and more like constant jabs.

I had a friend of my MIL do this a LOT when mine were young. I started off feeling a bit annoyed (because it really is annoying) but she did it so much I used to need to bite my cheek to stop me from laughing. It was hilarious, my children remember it happening, and now it's become a bit of a family joke. Whenever my children do something accidentally foolish in the style of their dad we all say, "oh, you're just like your daddy! Nothing like your mummy, are you!" (and vice versa if it's something I might do) and laugh.

If it helps, there was research that showed that humans are genetically programmed to see only the characteristics of the parent they are genetically related to in small children. Its thought its to ensure babies are accepted into the tribe.
But its still annoying as fuck.

My mum does it but with our side - anything my kids do, it's because they're just like <insert relative of mine, possibly extremely distant>

It annoys the shit out of me and I point out EVERY TIME that the supposed family trait also exists on my husband's side so the kids must have got a double dose. My kids are a beautiful mixture of our families and I refuse not to acknowledge that patchwork!

This is brilliant! Exactly what she needs to hear . And if it doesn't stop her u know who/what ur dealing with

You don't just have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem as well.

Yeah but it's very poor quality research and predicated on evolutionary 'game theory' predictions about appearance, and not peer reviewed analyses about the combination of appearance, behavior, and supposed intelligence about which the OP is talking.

There's also other 'research' that would suggest the opposite premise, depending what socio-cultural model the researcher/reporter is trying to promote.

I would just say, every single time, actually she has both of your genes, takes after both of us in various things and you are being rude. Please stop immediately

if she continues I would simply take the child and go upstairs

your dh also needs to speak to his mother and tell her it’s got to stop

In a 'speaking-to-a-baby voice' you say to DD "just like Daddy is nothing like Grandma".

Or, you could say "well she definitely came out of my vagina, so I know she's mine" with a big cheesy smile.

If our daughter does something clever or cute, like solving a puzzle or climbing well, my MIL will say things like, “That’s some clever genes from your daddy,”

I'm amazed you've kept your temper op, you have the patience of a saint. If someone said this to my child they'd hear my opinion pretty sharpish.

In my case though, it'd be my own DM, who's always going on about what a Prince dh is for putting up with me. And how dd gets this or that positive quality from dh. I mean, in our case it's probably true but still very rude

I’d reply with.. “you want to see how much she looks like the postman…” with a wink.

She sounds insufferable.

My mum has a funny anecdote, I can't remember if I've shared this on MN before.

I'm mixed race and my mum was a single mum since I was a baby, totally absent (deadbeat) dad. One day a neighbour was admiring me as a small child "what a beautiful girl! Her father must be so handsome"...! My mum was furious and fumed about it afterwards for literally years lol. And the joke is, my dad is not handsome at all.

I think some people just have no filter or empathy. They just burble any shit that comes into their heads

Does she have any other grandkids?

I think it’s normal for people to only see their own families traits in babies related to them. Funnily enough I look so so much like my paternal grandmother, so my mum really did have DD who was the spit of her MIL 🤣 But luckily my grandma is lovely!

But it sounds like she’s taking it too far and being rude especially the ‘clever genes from daddy’ etc. I’d be really annoyed.

It's so hurtful and she knows she's doing it.
My mil used to do the same, then I had dd2 who is my mini me and she was furious! Her first comment was 'oh she's not like her dad'.
Up till then I just ignored all the comments and didn't engage with any conversation about it as it was done out of spite.

Can you not say to her that your child is 50% each and to suggest anything else is ridiculous

Or even better, she's nothing like her daddy, I had a one night stand 🤣🤣

You could say. "She takes after my grandfather - he was a genius, you know, with an !Q of 210". Or if its art or something creative - "She is so like my grandfather - he had his own exhibition at the National Gallery once", or "He was a concert pianist at age eight" And he was a child prodigy at chess, got a double first from Cambridge, excelled at sport and was nominated for a Nobel Prize before he sadly died.
His family were researched by scientists to try and identify the genius gene.

I think this is common in the older generation, it's probably just her way of feeling closer to your DC. My DC look like their Dad but for years my DM has claimed she thinks they are the image of me, even though they clearly aren't! I think she feels a bit insecure about my in laws and it's a strange way of staking a claim...we all just let it lie, I don't feel there is any malice in it, though I agree it's difficult to understand what drives it

I think it's pretty normal to look for and see your own child in their children. It's somewhat rude, or at least unfriendly to your DiL/SiL not to also make complimentary comments about how the grandchild is like them, even if you don't really see it. It is a bit nasty to actively say they are nothing like your SiL/DiL unless it's some kind of in joke that DiL/SiL very clearly enjoys.

YANBU OP. What's your relationship with her like otherwise? Any chance a heartfelt chat about how hurtful you find it would work?

My MIL is exactly the same about both my girls. Saying they are like everyone but me. She once said my daughter is 50% of her dad and 50% of her other grand child, I literally laughed out loud at that one.

I would say ' yes she is just like her daddy , it's so funny that he is nothing like you though !

Play her at her own game !

Your DH needs to tell her to shut her beak. There's no way she doesn't realise how horrible she's being

YANBU, she’s rude and passive aggressive. Difficult to deal with though. No point confronting her, she’ll twist it against you. I’m wondering if just laughing at her every time she does it might work. And if she asks why just say you find it funny that she does that and refuse to elaborate further. No one likes being laughed at.

Yeah, she's being unpleasant. My MIL was the same, I think it's an ill judged way of being... proprietary? Our baby was quite tall, OBVIOUSLY she got that from MILs Uncle, he was tall. Oh, she has a tongue tie? Must have got that from MILs sibling, they had that too. It also extended to things like, "Oh, your auntie (her DD) will teach you how to do [hobby]!" Even though they live hours away and it's my hobby too...

Everything was always about her side, which I found quite hurtful at the time as I'd fairly recently lost my own mother and was really struggling without that love and support and connection. My MIL has actually never really acknowledged that I have much to do with my kid, has never said anything positive about my parenting or noted anything kid has in common with me - I do notice little micro-aggressions and subtle undermining though. Our relationship was always complicated but I don't think it'll ever recover. It's a pity as a child in the family could have brought us all closer but her behaviour was frankly pretty weird and hurtful for the first year or two (there's a lot of additional backstory!).

All that to say - I totally understand how you are feeling. It's mean and she must know that on some level. What does your DH say? He really ought to be shutting it down in the moment.

Defo this 😂 love it