To be fed up of "you're daughter is nothing like you" comments from MIL

[DiaperDutyDiva]

My MIL has this ongoing habit of constantly pointing out how much our daughter looks and acts like my husband. She calls her his “twin” and makes it clear she sees no resemblance between my daughter and me. This isn’t just a rare comment—it’s every single time she visits (which is 1-2 full days per month), whenever a photo is shared in our group chat, or even when she randomly sends us baby pictures of my husband with captions like, “Isn’t she the spitting image of her daddy?”

I’m not exaggerating when I say I hear some version of “You are nothing like her” at least a few times a week. My MIL will even say things directly to my toddler like, “You’re nothing like your mummy, are you? All daddy!” My husband brushes it off, saying she doesn’t mean any harm, but honestly, it’s exhausting and hurtful.

It’s not just about looks either. If our daughter does something clever or cute, like solving a puzzle or climbing well, my MIL will say things like, “That’s some clever genes from your daddy,” or “You’ve got good genes from your daddy.” It’s as if any positive trait she displays must come from him, never from me.

Objectively, my daughter has my hair color, my eye color, and a mix of features from both of us. She’s petite like I was as a child, while my husband was a chunky toddler. Yes, she resembles him, but she also looks a lot like me.

It’s reached a point where the comments feel less like innocent observations and more like constant jabs.

Next time your husband does or says something nice or kind tell him he's nothing like his Mum.

YANBU. It sounds miserable and exhausting.

God she sounds insufferable. Not sure what to advise. I’d stop engaging with her.

Stop inviting her, and don't share pictures in the group chat. She sounds nasty and spiteful, passive aggressive

Yep you are absolutely not unreasonable OP, I think it’s a clumsy attempt to feel closer to her granddaughter by linking her to her side of the family and distancing her from yours. I reckon jealousy based and needs calling out if it’s upsetting you, or clap back with return comments about how much she’s like you/your mum then maybe she’ll get the hint

Delay your response: Toxic people may like to see an immediate reaction, so try to add distance between what they said and when you respond.

Explain that their words hurt: Calmly explain that their words were hurtful and that you don't appreciate being spoken to/about that way.

she knows what she is doing. I'd make a point to say that the comments are hurtful, just the once, then when she said something again ask her if she means to be hurtful, push it back to her to give her a chance to respond. She's in a no win there, she either admits to doing it to be hurtful, or she will come out with some other typical narc comment like "you're too sensitive "

Then at least you know what you're dealing with

I don't invite her, my husband insists that his mum must come 1-2 times a month - understandable because I also want my parents to see DC regularly.

I don't share pictures, DH does or sometimes SIL and BIL if they come visit, and I guess I can't stop them.

I think you are being a bit over sensitive. People see different things. Most children and adult have people saying they look more like one parent than the other and most will have had saying that about both parents at different times.

Besides it is well known that very young children and babies facially tend to resemble the father - it has a biological purpose to encourage bonding between father and child. In days of yore before DNA testing, the only way a father could tell this was his baby and not the baby of the caveman next door was by a resemblance - so it is very normal for babies and children to favour the father in looks but in many cases it lessens as they grow. Not alway obviously but in other words almost all babies look like their father but not true of almost all adults

my mil was the same and in the end id make comments like
’yea she’s so like her Dad, but then he’s like his Dad too- weird that neither dd or dh look nothing like you’

I’d find this hurtful. And odd. Rebuff every time. Every. single. Time.

heres a non prescriptive list of retorts:

”It’s so weird you say that because literally everyone else says the opposite”
”Really because I think she looks like the milkman, haha”
”I see lots of her in me as does DH”
”She’s very much like me, thank god!”
”What does it matter?”

Also try and find a baby picture of you where you look like her and make a point of putting in the group “Look what I just found! Isn’t she my mini-me”

I love this.

Point out to her that your daughter has a major difference from her son, and that that difference is going to become more marked as she grows…..

I would just be making jokey comments in reply in a cheery voice like "oh well, she'll grow out of it" or "I don't see it myself" etc but always sounding super upbeat and I reckon you'll annoy her out of it.

All families think babies look like them.
Really irritating but not worth falling out about

All families think babies look like them.
Really irritating but not worth falling out about

You could say "honestly if it was anyone else I think you were jealous but because it's you I think you're just spiteful"

Can you leave the group chat?
He can share with his family without you seeing every comment, might make it easier to ignore!

My MIL is just like this and has been for 2 years! I just ignore / polite smile. I can't be bothered with upsetting myself over it any more.

If your husband wants to have this rude guest regularly, make sure he's around to entertain her.

Use it as your opportunity to get some me time.

I think it’s because when your DD has a child you 100% know it’s hers and therefore one of your tribe. When your DIL has a child there isn’t the same guarantee so in-laws look for ways to be closer to your kid. My MIL was the same but she calmed down. Think it’s involuntary tbh, they can’t help it.

‘I’m just relieved she doesn’t look like the milk man/ my personal trainer/ etc’. With a big smile.

I disagree with the strategy of explaining that you are hurt. This type of person knows what they are doing and hurting you is one of their aims. Why validate them?

It's insecurities "mothers baby daddies maybe" she is desperate to reinforce a genetic connection (that is obviously there)

Or she is a spiteful one

Got to admit some pictures of ds he looks all me not dad his mom used to question it saying are you sure you don't want a DNA test? I will pay! Every time I told her to go ahead (backstory he claimed to have fertility issues to his family he lied they didn't know he lied)

She will hopefully calm down soon

You have my sympathies. My late MIL was exactly the same, even though DS has always been a total clone of me. I used to find it intensely irritating. She wasn't doing it out of spite though, just looking for family resemblances, and she thankfully stopped doing it with my children once her own daughters started having babies. But at the time it used to really piss me off.

If she has a brain between her ears then she must have the capability to consider your feelings when saying this stuff. And why does it need to be said anyway. She needs to find something else to talk about because it sounds boring.
Or jokingly remark "Ah, how do you know it's not mummy?" as you pick DD up. And go home. 😆
All the time DILs are told to suck it up yet its OK for MILs to hurt DILs feelings.

And re pictures. I've told both mine and DPs family to not share pictures of my children anywhere. Including via messages to family I don't know. They're my children, not theirs so it's not their place to show people my children.

I don't think you said how old your daughter is. If she's old enough, can you just be busy on most of the days MIL is invited round and go do something nice for yourself instead? She sounds very tiresome.