To think it's impossible to do it all.

[Outandabout43]

Work full time
Keep a tidy house
All the washing
Help with homework
Cook fresh healthy food
Attend school events.
Take to clubs
Play woth children
Food shop
Sort Christmas/ birthdays
Life admin

And then you get told its important to have you time. When???? When am I supposed to have me time??

I love my children and DH pulls his weight too. I also know as the children grow, it will get easier, but seriously, how are we supposed to do it all??

Single parent here. Demanding job which isn't great pay but I love it. Full time but WFH two days a week.
Things which don't happen

• anything to do with my physical appearance
• exercise for me (kids do it afterschool)
• Joining and helping with the PTA
• cooking healthily
• making 'fun' lunchboxes
• buying cute, ethical presents in local businesses which makes me sad and guilty
• time in nature (which also makes me sad)
• kids can't really do much after school if it includes me driving them somewhere. No play dates or other activities which include me getting them somewhere and sitting whilst they do it. I have to get back home and log back on straight away.
• confidential work so can't do it in cafes etc.
• house is a shit hole
• I make myself play with my children or they will have no memories of me
• outsource gardening

I manage but I co-parent with my ex, sharing kids 50/50, so the amount of spare time I have is totally different.

I WFH which has saved me three hours a day - fifteen hours a week/sixty hours a month compared to the old commute I used to have.

No cleaner or other help, but my house is small which also means a smaller mortgage. I know others on here would look down on that, for example I only have one bathroom and at the moment my kids share a bedroom.

I take time off work to go to school events and help out with school trips.

@Hugmorecats we are moving into a smaller property for a few years. Kids will share. It's fine

@UnrelatedTo nope all the dads I know are very hands on, including my DH. The MN stereotype of the man who does nothing isn’t my reality. So as I said even with a DH who do his share, outsourcing I don’t think it’s possible to balance every single element all the time. Your life might be smaller than me though 🤷🏻‍♀️

My life is very similar, kids are 16 and 12. I work flexibly from home, meaning life admin is done in my down time. I prepare dinner in my lunch break, go to the gym when the kids get home from school. Food shopping is delivered, DH pulls his weight with the house chores.

It's much harder when the kids are little and you are out of the house 8am til 6pm and you have a feckless husband who does nothing.

My DH has dried our laundry that was washed overnight and I can hear the hoover going downstairs from my lie in. I wouldn't be with a man that expected me to do all the housework because I have boobs.

That seems to be the chief block on Mn.

In the real word I think the blocks are time & money, the majority do not have these in abundance.

I agree. I am in the trenches with DC under 2 and I’m fortunate in being able to return to work flexibly / remotely and part time. However even this comes at the cost of my career, which I worked really hard to get. It is impossible to have the spotlessly clean house / glittering career / thriving relationships / all food cooked from scratch / great body / good sleep - it is constantly spinning plates and something has got to give. I consider myself to be in a privileged position but it certainly isn’t easy and isn’t for the majority of women. We are all just trying to stay afloat!

@Plastictrees yes & it’s ok to acknowledge that.

Come on. Its relentless hard work. F/T and young kids is hard. Particularly if you (ie most people) can't afford a cleaner etc.and have no family support.
People who say it's easy tend to have a grandparent on tap.

Everyone has the same amount of time, though.

I have no idea how single parents do it, but if it's shared, it's doable. This is what we did:
Work full time - both of us
Keep a tidy house - me + cleaner + lower standards
All the washing - me
Ironing - cleaner, DH, or child (from age 10)
Help with homework - me/DH if they asked, but they mostly did it (and still do it) themselves - they become much better independent learners when doing A-levels etc
Cook fresh healthy food - DH + children once old enough
Attend school events - me/DH (+ missed the occasional one)
Take to clubs - me/DH (some parents just don't take them to any, which is a perfectly acceptable way to deal with the lack of time IMO)
Play with children - me/DH + nursery full-time from 9 months & wrap around care once at school
Food shop - DH
Sort Christmas/ birthdays - DH
Life admin/finances - me

We lived in another country to where both our families live, so paid for every minute of childcare from the moment I went back to work after maternity leave. You just need to have a child with someone who genuinely does 50% of everything, and not have more children than you can cope with.

Oh dear, this is feeling very Molly-Mae!

The point is that people have different demands on their time and having the privilege of being able to afford outsourcing for cleaning/gardening/laundry obviously makes things easier. As does being able bodied / not having disabilities or chronic health conditions or pain. As does being mentally well. As does having a partner that does contribute equally - some people are widows, or single parents, or in abusive relationships. Or their partner may work away for prolonged periods. Most people still find it difficult even when they are in a fortunate position. You seem very keen to attempt to invalidate people’s lived experiences.

Everyone has the same amount of time, though.

😂 Yep, your role, hours, commute, age of dc, whether your have a partner or not, your partners role, hours, commute, wider family support has nothing to do with how much time you may have…

My tips would be:

Lower your expectations, and don't base them on what you see on social media.

If there are any clothes that don't need washing after every wear, then don't!

Plan the week's meals and activities in advance. That way you can see which evenings need a quicker easier meal, and which evenings you have time to cook from scratch.

When cooking from scratch, up the quantities so you can put portions in the freezer.

Teach everyone to clean up after themselves as they go. Toilets, sinks, kitchens etc.

Give the kids jobs such as emptying dishwasher, putting washing away.

If you don't get the dusting or hoovering done, it will still be there tomorrow.

Finally, cut yourself some slack. If at the end of the day you can say 'everybody fed, no-one dead' then you are doing OK!

I think it depends on your definition of having it all/doing it all.
Being perfect is not my definition. In fact striving for perfection would be the opposite of doing it all for me because it would result in stress and would be in achievable and that would not be helpful.
Plus I accept help when needed (and offer help out as well) and don't feel guilty about it. So many mumsnet posts will talk about not having a network. That is important to me so I invest time in my friends and family. We help each other out when unexpected things happen (I'm thinking both planned and emergency things) and that helps knowing that you can ask for help.

Everyone has the same amount of time, though.

Everyone has different levels of intelligence too!

@Plastictrees good point re health which I overlooked.

We are very lucky (and I know everyone doesn’t have these choices to make anyway) but the biggest 3 compromises we have made have been -

Big new build house in good location for school, walkable high st and parks. I would’ve loved an old house with period features but knew that wouldn’t fit into the life we wanted. I used to say new builds were for people with ‘no soul’ when I was a clueless 20 something.

I lowered my commute in my 30s for a well paying job but that was less ‘prestigious’ knowing I couldn’t do the ‘city’ commute I was doing in my 20s with a family. My husband has stayed in a flexible role in a company with a pro family culture rather than pushing for promotions elsewhere.

Staying close to family and support network - we knew that we wanted our family to be walkable to grandparents and have a close relationship. This has meant weathering some ‘tricky’ relationships over the years and being leant on back but has given our kids a lovely village.

So basically we are very lucky but have planned with this life in mind.

No-one can ‘have it all’. We couldn’t go walking in the lakes, playing sports all weekend, cultural days away and have a lovely old house that needs lots of DIY. Pick your priorities and then focus on those

Truth is, you can’t really. Well, you can but it’ll be hellish.

You can’t do it all to a perfect standard and I agree that it can seem overwhelming.

But let’s not go down the awful “women can’t have it all” rabbit hole. I really loathe the narrative that you can’t and therefore you shouldn’t try. It’s way to keep women “in their place”.

Yes it’s hard and exhausting. But the fact so many of us face these challenges is in a way a sign of progress. It shows that it is possible.

I think that life admin is so much easier than even a decade ago as so much can be done online. Ten years ago paying in a cheque would take me at least an hour (travel to bank, stand in line etc.) now it can be done in seconds on my phone. Multiply that by all the other tasks that I can do online at my own leisure, e.g. shopping, car insurance, holidays etc. and 'life admin' is a really insignificant detail in my time planning

Networks are wider nowadays; I have friends and family all over the world, who I communicate with regularly and who are great support - but they are not practically able to be there. I invest a lot in these relationships and it’s wonderful having people to stay, but realistically we are not all going to be living in one place. I’ve lived internationally myself and only set down roots in my mid 30s, in my circles this is pretty normal. Also not everyone is able to provide practical help due poor health - we are living in an ageing population after all, and so many of us are caring for children and ageing parents at the same time.

@Plastictrees totally agree. We live about 6000miles from husbands family and over an hour from mine so no family on our doorstep. I'm lucky to have a great bunch of local friends but I do have to prioritise maintaining this network. That to me is more important than having a spotless house or perfectly ironed clothes or attendance at all school events. My children understand that their parents can't do everything all the time and that all of us have our own needs and well-being to look after.

@Hobbitfeet32 I think I would do the same. We are currently re-locating and hope to create more of a local network, it would be a lifeline especially with young DC.