Abortion , need some advice please :(

[PinkExpert]

Hi

this is my first time positing on here, ive been reading threads for a few weeks now on other peoples stories and rattling my brain what is the best thing for me.

I got pregnant unexpectedly , by my long distance boyfriend of 1.5 years. The distance between us is about 1.5-2 hours driving. He has never met my family, and I have only ever met his brother a few times. I’m unsure to why we’ve never actually met family in the time we’ve been together, probably because we only really see each other one night at a time over the weekend, maybe 2 if we’re lucky. And sometimes this can be 2 times a month (due to our work patterns) I still live at home with my family (some of them don’t even know about my boyfriend) and he hasn’t really got a safe place to live in either, he’s just got kicked out of his brothers place.

When I told him I was pregnant we was both shocked , and couldn’t believe it. He drove up to see me the day later and I felt instantly safe. It’s been a few weeks since then and I’m having constant panic attacks worrying about my future. I know all these things are fixable ; finding a house and stuff. But with me being pregnant I’m constantly worrying what’s gonna happen where , when will I next see my boyfriend? I want to be stable first before having a baby not living 2 hours from him, seeing him few times a week.

He doesn’t want me to have an abortion and he has said some nasty stuff to me about thinking about it, the only reason stopping me from taking the abortion pills is him because I’m worried what he’s gonna say to me during it (make me feel worse) or how he’s gonna feel? He ended our relationship 5 days ago but came back 3 days later? But I’m so worried if I take this pill he will leave me again? The midwife’s told me I can’t let his feelings override mine but I can’t face to lose him.

I just wish I was in a better place to have a baby; not living at home, the distance between us , atleast one of us had somewhere to live and I was more prepared.

I’ve leaned my lesson from not using contraception and I’m looking at going on some contraception after this , I want every form of it !!

I just need someone to speak to :( xx

@PinkExpert I would contact your midwife and ask if they can talk to you about your options or point you in the direction of a genuine organisation or professional that can. It might help for you to talk it over with someone who can talk you through things properly. Do you have any friends or family that you could confide in and get their real life support?

I only have 1 DC, he was very much planned, DH and I had been together 10 years prior to trying for him, we had a secure home and were financially secure. DS is the best thing that’s ever happened to my life. BUT, my god does it change your life in every single way. It has tested my health - both physically and mentally, it has really tested our relationship at times, and your whole life becomes about someone else.
Its not something that I would personally enter into with someone who wasn’t 100% committed.

I hope you manage to come to a decision soon ❤️

They supported a friend who had a difficult choice to make after a scan. She ended up having an abortion. As far as I know they are non bias, but I’ve not used them myself.

@PinkExpert

Have you flushed away the medication you were given, OP?

I hope not.

Forgive me for asking, but are relationships a new thing for you? You come across as really quite young, although I think you have said you are in your early 30s. I'm wondering whether you come from a background which might have frowned on your having boyfriends etc.

Please allow yourself every possible option at this point. The choice will always be yours, but I can't help but feel that it would be better for you to wait before you start a family.

Next year could bring all kinds of new opportunities, such as the chance to have your own flat, meet new men and so on.

Plenty of time to reconsider having a family then.

The ‘Choices’ charity linked is very definitely anti-choice.

Living situation aside, it still doesn't sound like this is the sort of relationship you want to bring an innocent life into.

A grown adult 38 year old man broke up with you out of the blue over this. Raising a child is stressful, will this be his reaction to any pressure in future?

This isn't father of the year behaviour and regardless of your decision about the pregnancy, I would reconsider the relationship if I were you.

You'll feel very sad mourning both your pregnancy and your relationship but you'll be in a much better position than tying yourself with a child to this man.

Allow yourself time to grieve both.

Take your OH completely out of the equation and just think about yourself.

Do you want a child at this point?

Honestly. It does not sound like a very good or happy relationship. He should be pleased

Him not being pleased doesn’t have any bearing on whether their relationship was in a good place. They weren’t planning a baby and he actively didn’t want any more children. Not everybody thinks a pregnancy is a nice surprise.

You need to have a good hard think, I'm sorry you're in this situation. Way I see it:

1. he is in no situation to contribute. He's far away. His living situation isn't good. He doesn't seem to be in a position to move closer or likely to contribute financially. So you need to be prepared to go it alone.
2. do you want children? Remember an abortion as a procedure can result in future infertility. You could hit 40 and still be super fertile, you could try at 35 with next partner and find you can't conceive again. And let's face it, it would need to be next partner. This guy isn't going to get his shit together within a time frame that will result in the stable life you want.
3. an alternative point of view. I'm super pro-choice. You want to abort you do so. I thought the same before I had my first. But once I had my first, once I knew what that pregnancy could be, I knew the second they were born it would take extreme extreme situation, literally no other choice, for me to even consider aborting a future pregnancy. He has older kids - he knows what your pregnancy could become to him. But he is being selfish with that to you when really he's asking you to do everything.

Are you in a job that fits in with childcare options? You haven't been able to live independently upto now and the expense of a baby isn't going to make that easy. He isn't able to provide a suitable place to live. He isn't close enough to be of practical help. Single parenthood is tough. Things don't just work out, as a pp said, children get dragged up in poverty. There isn't the social housing that once took away some of the hardship. What is he actually offering you? It doesn't seem to be anything. Have you been on holiday etc together? Do you have nights out when he does show up?