Abortion , need some advice please :(

[PinkExpert]

Hi

this is my first time positing on here, ive been reading threads for a few weeks now on other peoples stories and rattling my brain what is the best thing for me.

I got pregnant unexpectedly , by my long distance boyfriend of 1.5 years. The distance between us is about 1.5-2 hours driving. He has never met my family, and I have only ever met his brother a few times. I’m unsure to why we’ve never actually met family in the time we’ve been together, probably because we only really see each other one night at a time over the weekend, maybe 2 if we’re lucky. And sometimes this can be 2 times a month (due to our work patterns) I still live at home with my family (some of them don’t even know about my boyfriend) and he hasn’t really got a safe place to live in either, he’s just got kicked out of his brothers place.

When I told him I was pregnant we was both shocked , and couldn’t believe it. He drove up to see me the day later and I felt instantly safe. It’s been a few weeks since then and I’m having constant panic attacks worrying about my future. I know all these things are fixable ; finding a house and stuff. But with me being pregnant I’m constantly worrying what’s gonna happen where , when will I next see my boyfriend? I want to be stable first before having a baby not living 2 hours from him, seeing him few times a week.

He doesn’t want me to have an abortion and he has said some nasty stuff to me about thinking about it, the only reason stopping me from taking the abortion pills is him because I’m worried what he’s gonna say to me during it (make me feel worse) or how he’s gonna feel? He ended our relationship 5 days ago but came back 3 days later? But I’m so worried if I take this pill he will leave me again? The midwife’s told me I can’t let his feelings override mine but I can’t face to lose him.

I just wish I was in a better place to have a baby; not living at home, the distance between us , atleast one of us had somewhere to live and I was more prepared.

I’ve leaned my lesson from not using contraception and I’m looking at going on some contraception after this , I want every form of it !!

I just need someone to speak to :( xx

I'd abort in your circumstances. One of the most important things you can do for your future children is choose a decent man to be their father. (Obviously if you choose to have no father or another mother that's ok! But choosing a useless father is a massive mistake)
He sounds nasty.

“When I told him I was pregnant we was both shocked , and couldn’t believe it”

Why could you believe it?
Am I missing something?

On some level at your age you must have known this a likely outcome if you weren't using contraception.
You say housing and stuff are solvable but he has a shithole of a flat and lived with his brother? You live with family too? It's not easy starting out, especially with a baby. Also, if you've seen him on average once a week for 18 months that's roughly 75 days. You don't know him, certainly not to the extent you can rely on him.
This is your decision but realistically I think you should be prepared for being a single parent if you choose to continue with the pregnancy.

You have two decisions to make OP.

1. Do you keep on seeing your boyfriend or not?
2. Do you carry on with the pregnancy or not?

For the first question, you have to consider if he is worth your effort. From your desciption of him, he clearly isn't. You barely have a relationship with him and you can"t blame it on the fact you live quite some distance from each other. Not meeting hardly any friends and relatives on both sides is a red flag to me. Plus, he doesn't value your opinions, giving you ultimatums instead. Also, if he has no home of his own and is being thrown out by his brother, that sets alarm bells ringing which you should listen to rather than accept excuses from him. You should cut your losses and end the 'relationship'. No man in your life is better than any man when that man treats you like this.

The second questionnis for you to decide on without input from or consideration of your boyfriend. Why weren't you using contraception? Was it your boyfriends decision or yours? Did you deep down want to be pregnant? What ever the answer is, you have to decide whether you can bring up a baby on your own or with the help of your family. Plenty of women go through this and although hard work things work out. But of course many can't or don't want to. It's your body and your choice. But whatever you decide, make the decision for you and only you. Whatever you decide you have to live with it. So its got to be right for you alone.

Set aside your feelings about him and the relationship. This is about you and whether you want to have a child. You have no guarantee he’ll be a part of your life whatever you do. You don’t live with him, you only see him 2 or 3 times a month now.

What do you want?

Hard to understand why either of you was shocked since you were having sex without contraception which does inevitably result in pregnancy. He has children and knows how they’re made. But he doesn’t get a say now, it’s only your decision and I wouldn’t personally want to be tied to him by a child. He’s not a good prospect as a casual boyfriend never mind anything more serious.

If you don't go to his flat or your family home as they know about him where are you meeting? If it's always hotels I would question if he has a partner.

I’m sorry you’re in this position OP I can imagine it’s a really difficult one. If you really wanted this baby, then I’d say you can make it work, it won’t be easy, but you have 9 months to get sorted somewhere to live, some money saved, to work out how you can live together and make it doable. BUT if your gut feeling is that you don’t want this baby, at least not at this time in this situation, then don’t let his words force you into a life changing decision you can’t take back. I know right now losing him feels like the end of the world but the reality is you live 2 hours apart and only see each other sometimes twice a month, you’d get over that a lot quicker than you might expect, and you then have the time to find “the one” and start a family the way YOU are comfortable with.

Having a baby is a huge thing, life changing, and can be really difficult both physically and mentally even if you are married, living together and planned the pregnancy. Doing it essentially solo with a partner 2 hours away, not living together and trying to work these things out before baby arrives will make things so much more stressful. As I say, it’s doable if you really want this, but if you don’t then that is your choice to make and ONLY yours.

@PinkExpert

You mention that you live at home with your parents and that some of your family don't even know that you have a boyfriend.

It does sound as though things would be exceptionally tough for you if you had a baby now.

You say that your family have never met your boyfriend. Would you have liked them to meet him or might it have caused more problems for you?

I would like them to meet him, we’ve spoken about it before, He just didn’t feel comfortable at the time doing so. He had issues with his living arrangements that he needed to sort out so plans went to pots.

if we can work through this ; go ahead with the abortion…. I would want him to meet my family yes. I would prefer that much more than telling them I’m pregnant straight away before they’ve met him. Then find a decent place to live together. Then maybe a baby. That’s how I would want it to work ideally in my head.

Agree with this.

Usually on these threads I make sure I let it known whilst I’m pro choice that abortion isn’t for everyone mentally.

i absolutely in your situation would terminate. not because of the housing situation or relationship distance etc but simply how entitled this man feels to your body.
He’ll either make you have a baby you aren’t ready for and leave you completely unsupported or worse you’ll see his true colours and you’re then stuck co-parenting with an absolute prick who’ll fuck your next 18 years up.
I get the feeling he’ll do the latter.

having a termination is sad but this isn’t a wanted or expected pregnancy.
You’ll have a much easier future without a man who thinks he’s a right to determine what happens to your body and he’s already started being nasty.

He’s a massive red flag. 38 couch surfing and all the rest. Chuck him back.
And imho end the pregnancy, cut all ties.

31 is young enough to meet someone who isn’t a massive tosser.

good luck and keep us updated and take all the counselling you can before you make your, and it is only your, choice. X

Are you close with your mother? Close friends you can trust? I really think you could do with confiding in someone who knows you well here.

Either way I think you need to think of this as if you were single. Any man who threatens to dump you, and shows other controlling behaviour, is not worth your time and energy. Make your decision based as if you were single. If he sticks around after that then fine.

He sounds like a Waster, @PinkExpert .

If you want a child, choose a better grade of man.

Would you want to be tied to this man for the next 18 years?

He has ''teens'' already?

I wouldn’t normally support lying in a relationship. But a strategic miscarriage is what’s required here.

ETA: I took from your OP that you think an abortion is the best outcome for you.

He is definitely allowed an opinion since he's 50% of the reason his happened but he's absolutely not allowed to bully you into anything.

Sounds like a good plan.. A friend years ago was in a similar situation {a mature student at university} - had a 'Miscarriage'.
Who could prove otherwise?

And you were both 'shocked' that you got pregnant having unprotected sex, really?

You have to make the decision based on whether YOU want this baby and are prepared to bring it up alone. Having a child is forever and it will change your life irrevocably. Being solely responsible for your child is the biggest commitment you will ever make so you need to be really sure.

You say you can't bear to lose him but in all honesty, that could happen whether you have the baby or not. He doesn't exactly sound like a safe bet to me.

Whatever you decide, it has to be what you want. His wants and needs are secondary. Can you rely on family and friends for support?

Is he financially stable? Are you?
Do you want to marry each other? Is he marriage material?
Do you want to risk becoming a single parent? Will he be able to pay child support?

It is your body at the end of the day. You need to ask yourself the difficult questions and come to a decision. Yes, he somewhat has a say in this but his behaviour in this matter isn't very reassuring.

Honestly OP raise your standards!! He lives in a crappy shithole of a flat, already had kids and has been nasty to you when you already feel vulnerable

find a better man to have children with

Thankyou everyone for all of the messages . I’ve read everyone’s messages . I know I’m suffering for my consequences and I have learned mg mistakes I will never be so selfish ever again!

As for my ‘Boyfriend’ it’s a hard one I do genuinely love the guy, but i guess from outside peoples POV it doesn’t look like a relationship …. And that’s not the usual type of relationship what people go for. I’m deluded and smitten by him. I guess I can only see it for myself as time goes on.

Im not close to my family, lets say we tolerate each other 🤣, my parents have both passed away. I have no biological siblings either, so it’s pretty much just me. I’m ashamed I still live here at my grand age of 31. However this situation has given me the incentive to move out of here and find my own place to live, even if it is a flat. So next time if I find myself in a situation like this again I will be that one step prepared!

@PinkExpert

Obviously you can decide to do whatever you want with regard to the pregnancy.

But your plan to have an abortion, then find somewhere for both of you to live, then introduce this bloke to your family, then get pregnant again.......... sounds bonkers to me.

This is a man who has been thrown out of his brother's house, and is currently homeless.

He's 38 with two teenage children. Where does he have contact with them? What's his relationship with the children's mother like?
Does he support the children financially?

He sounds like a loser to me.
I'd get rid of him, pronto.

If you keep your baby, I reckon you'll be on your own.

As my Nan used to say, "She's got shit in her eyes"

You said you live with your family but then say your parents are dead and you have no siblings?

I would 100% terminate. I would also dump the bloke.