To ask for a cohabitation agreement

[Whatslovegottodowiththis]

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, have a 2 year old toddler and live in my fiancées house - owned solely by him. We got engaged when I was pregnant but since then, he will not discuss any wedding plans. It used to upset me but now I don’t really care much anymore if we get married or not. However, I have recently returned to work after maternity leave and am back to earning a decent wage. He has been struggling financially to cover all the bills and his mortgage when I was on ML as I was not contributing towards bills/mortgage. We have recently discussed that because now I am working, I will start contributing to expenses as I had done before falling pregnant. But here is the issue I have- before I was pregnant I would transfer £700 a month to him, which we agreed would be to cover the cost of bills (not mortgage) but that’s way more than all the bills were and really we should have been paying 1/2 each for the bills (excluding the mortgage). I say that because the house is in his name and if anything were to happen to us, I would have zero rights to it as an unmarried partner. I feel like for years I helped him (through my contributions) with some of the mortgage payments and I have nothing to show for it.
We agreed that we would talk about finances soon and I am going to say that, whilst I am happy to contribute £1k-£1.5k a month, I need an agreement in writing that there will be a separate contribution made by me for HALF the utilities and anything over that will be my contribution towards his mortgage, which IF we move or break up will be considered my equity in the house and will be due back to me. Is this reasonable?

Get him to let you buy into the house or sell it and buy together. You are paying far too much into a house you don’t own

Yes absolutely

As a homeowner myself I wouldn't agree to give someone else equity in my home and I dont think your partner will either sorry but you can ask all he can do is say no.

Then she shouldn’t have to pay any more in than the costs of bills and necessities. She’ll need to put the rest of the money she has available into a pension pot or savings account to protect herself in case they split up down the line. She should not be contributing to any house-related expense, including the mortgage.

I see your point but do you not need to say that some of your contributions are going towards the roof over your head and general maintenance? It's always a difficult one

Then she shouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage. You either keep all the equity because you pay all the mortgage or as it happens here she gets it back

he is getting all the benefits right now so you need a very long and frank discussion because at the moment you have very little rights

and anything over that will be my contribution towards his mortgage, which IF we move or break up will be considered my equity in the house and will be due back to me. Is this reasonable?

so, if you break up after 10 yrs, you're due back circa 70k? if you lived separately you'd have to pay for living costs, but I agree that he shouldn't be profiting from you.

I think, that as a homeowner, I'm not happy signing over some of my house when I've paid off X% already.

one option is to rent/buy somewhere together. another is to go for tenants in common on his house whereby he retains the portion he's already paid for and the rest is 50/50.

I wouldn't just keep paying in with no agreement, so I'd refuse to pay more than half the bills til the decision and action was made. This may prompt him to act.

Sounds like he's your landlord, OP.

Are you a couple or not? In effect you are contributing to the mortgage. Also you have a child together and have earned less because of childcare. How would you live if he died or wanted to separate?
all this needs discussing and something fair agreed for you and your child.

Honestly I couldn’t have a child with anyone who wanted to invest in a property himself while you pay him ‘rent’ to live in it. Where is the teamwork here?

I’m sure he’s been warned with horror stories about gold digging bitches taking his friends/family for all they’ve got so he’s decided marriage isn’t on the cards anymore.

In your situation I think I’d rather get my own house and pay my own mortgage and bills than pay towards a house I’ll never own.

Tell him you’re saving for a deposit on a property so that you can get some financial security, so while you will contribute to half the bills, any extra will go into your property purchase. You can rent it out or move into it yourself depending on how the conversation goes!

If he refuses to marry or enable you to buy in, you start saving and buy your own property OP. You need to protect your financial independence and long term security for yourself and your DC.

If he was the landlord, she would have her own bedroom and some legal rights. She has neither.

Op you are right to be worried and want to change things. In your situation id move out and but my own place. Toddler can live 50:50 with you both, you can still date if you want.

When me and my (now husband) bought our house we did so through a deed of trust as the deposit was technically from the sale of his old property and I paid for stamp duty/fees etc.

That means that the original down payment will continue to be his but any equity gained during our relationship would be split between us as I continue paying in.

Could you look into something similar? You'd need to agree at which point the 'equity' should be measured as you've been previously paying in for so long with no formal agreement.

Hopefully he will be reasonable and fair but I would definitely want something more concrete and official especially for your child.

I would say either you need to get married and start acting like a family, or you just pay half the bills and he owns the whole house. I know which I'd prefer.

Not really because presumably she shares a room with him.

She would have no right to any notice to move out if they split up.
She would be safer renting or buying her own place

You make it sound like she is a lodger demanding a share of the equity in return for her lodging payments. The OP is the homeowner's life partner and the mother of his child. If they were married or civil partners she would be entitled to a share of the house if they split up or if he died iwithout a will in recognition of the fact that.when two people live as partners and especially when they have children together their finances inevitably become intertwined. It sounds as if the OP would be capable of supporting herself and their child if they did split up or if the partner were to die but she would have no right to his pension either.

Time for a frank talk, OP. What are his objections to getting married? If it's to do with not wanting a wedding, why not just get a civil partnership or the cheapest possible registry office wedding? No need to invite anybody else if you don't want to. Just find two witnesses and off you go. All the legalities sorted out very simply. You can replicate some of them without marriage or civil partnership but it will cost more in legal fees.

If he won't go for that you have a bigger problem on your hands. What's in his will? Has he made one? Without a will everything goes to your child and nothing to you. Has he thought about inheritance tax? If that might be relevant, and it easily could be if the house is in London, your child will ultimately inherit more from two married parents than two co-habiting parents.

She'd have more rights if he was.
She's a lodger currently with no rights.

Thank you all for your useful advice. I am aware that the set up wouldn’t work for everyone and yeah in an ideal world we would have got married soon after he proposed. But I am not going to push for something he clearly isn’t interested in pursuing anymore (his reasons anre that he wants a special event -largish wedding, which we cannot afford read- excuse) and I don’t really feel like being married is important enough for me to break up over. I just want a fair situation for both him and me given that our finances are separate.

I think it would be fine to want and ask for this. Your issue is more that you've no way of enforcing it. If he says no, there's nothing you can do about that other than decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

It may be a moot point depending on your plans, but also I would not have more DC until the situation is resolved.

You are in a long-term relationship and share a child together. If you were to separate, you could demonstrate that you have an interest in the house you share together, regardless of your not being on the deeds.

I know this because a friend of mine (male) recently had to make a very significant settlement to his ex girlfriend. She was not on the deeds and they co-habited. No children.

If I were you I would take legal advice. Your suggestion of a co-habiting agreement is very sensible.

Getting married and ownership of the house can be two different things .

If he doesn't want to get married, do what someone up thread has suggested. Get the house valued now , have a deed of trust to protect his equity to date , then equal ownership going forward

YABU because you are paying and have paid too much!!

Does he have a will (he should have)? If he died tomorrow, who would the house be left to? When you have your frank talk, these are two important things you need to find out. If he won't tell you and show you his will, then you have bigger problems than you realise.

Given you have had a child getting married and everything that brings should be an absolute priority for you because at the moment you are financially screwed

that said his ownership should also be protected

I think you need an honest conversation and some good financial and legal advice and a discussion regarding marriage

I doubt he’ll agree to giving you a stake in the house through a formal agreement but you can ask. Realistically though if you don’t pay towards the mortgage indefinitely you’re living rent free which isn’t fair either, if you weren’t with him you’d be paying rent on your own + all bills so he could set up a formal agreement for rent rather than cohabitation.