To ask for a cohabitation agreement

[Whatslovegottodowiththis]

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, have a 2 year old toddler and live in my fiancées house - owned solely by him. We got engaged when I was pregnant but since then, he will not discuss any wedding plans. It used to upset me but now I don’t really care much anymore if we get married or not. However, I have recently returned to work after maternity leave and am back to earning a decent wage. He has been struggling financially to cover all the bills and his mortgage when I was on ML as I was not contributing towards bills/mortgage. We have recently discussed that because now I am working, I will start contributing to expenses as I had done before falling pregnant. But here is the issue I have- before I was pregnant I would transfer £700 a month to him, which we agreed would be to cover the cost of bills (not mortgage) but that’s way more than all the bills were and really we should have been paying 1/2 each for the bills (excluding the mortgage). I say that because the house is in his name and if anything were to happen to us, I would have zero rights to it as an unmarried partner. I feel like for years I helped him (through my contributions) with some of the mortgage payments and I have nothing to show for it.
We agreed that we would talk about finances soon and I am going to say that, whilst I am happy to contribute £1k-£1.5k a month, I need an agreement in writing that there will be a separate contribution made by me for HALF the utilities and anything over that will be my contribution towards his mortgage, which IF we move or break up will be considered my equity in the house and will be due back to me. Is this reasonable?

It's a tricky one and the fact that you already have a child and aren't married has lost you some bargaining power.

If you split you'd be paying rent as well as bills elsewhere, so half bills only is quite a good deal for you. (Does this include half the childcare? This should be split.) He can't actually make you pay more though, so that's your bargaining chip. As you say, if he wants a contribution to the mortgage this needs to be reflected in the cohabitation agreement or being added to the deeds as tenants in common (uneven split to reflect what he's already covered and what you'll contribute).

What do you think will happen if you insist/won't pay more? If he indicates you'll have to leave, I would breezily say OK but I'll have to leave the child here with you, as you have a family home and I'll have to rent a room. I know you won't but I bet he won't like that idea one bit.

You’re being taken for a mug

if he won’t legally marry you to give you the security you deserve but wants to continue to pay his mortgage off with your money I would move out and invite him to set up home with you and rent out his house

Please take some time to read the thousands of threads on here from women who tolerated this for 20 plus years and then were left high and dry when their ‘partner’ does the dirty

I don’t think you could enforce it. I would take some legal advice here

and if he won’t then I would only pay him half the bills and food, insist he pays half of all child care costs including nursery, clothes etc and I would be saving the rest really hard to enable me to buy my own property, or have funds in case it all goes wrong

i would also not be paying anything towards his house for repairs, decorating and would be very careful about paying towards furniture

Cohabitation agreements are enforceable as long as executed as a deed.

I'm not married to my OH either, it works for us. We moved in together just before our eldest was born.

In his flat I paid nothing because first I was on mat leave and later the bills were equal to childcare so just paid that.

Later I sold my own property and we bought together with a deed of trust delineating our shares. All bills and mortgage are now 50/50.

Do not let him gaslight you into handing over more than half the bills, and remember that childcare is a bill that both of you have to pay.

The alternative is an official legal contract where you officially buy in to the property, nothing less. No verbal agreement, nothing less than a formal contract with your name added to the deeds. It's perfectly possible to write a declaration of trust that protects everything he's paid to date.

He can't have his cake and eat it.

In which case she shouldn't be contributing to all the bills. Food yes, Council Tax yes, anything else a big no.

You could nip to the register office by yourselves for the legal side of marriage then celebrate at a later date. He wont marry you because he wont hand over half his house.

You're living together and paying lodgings?

People don't have to let you invest in their investments or let you take advantage of them for free. Even if he has no mortgage, makes no difference.

It's perfectly reasonable for him to charge you around 70% of the interest on a mortgage as rent for you and half of your shared child.

|f he is clear you are paying him to stay, and he is paying his mortgage, you have no interest.

As well as paying rent, you can choose whether to buy a house to let out - I wonder whether you'll be keen to let the tenants buy in to the equity as well.

At no point did I claim any right to the property. All I want acknowledged is that my significant monthly financial contribution can’t all be considered to be towards bills only, and I have/will be effectively helping him pay off his mortgage. So if we do buy together/ split up, I can recover some of my previous contributions towards his mortgage. And I do have enough money to buy rather than rent and we discussed buying together but these plans were put on hold as I fell pregnant and didn’t have a salary coming in. I am just becoming more aware that these ‘delays’ with moving/marriage are putting me at a disadvantage. Yes if we weren’t together, I’d just buy my own property but tenancy laws are about to change significantly against landlords and I do not want to buy to let for that reason.

And I find it strange that you would liken the situation of a long- term partner who has been contributing for many years with nothing to show for it and now also has a child with their partner to a landlord- tenant situation. That’s crazy to me.

But in all honesty you are no different to a lodger/tenant and that is the issue you have in your relationship

Yeah exactly this. You’re not married, you’d be paying rent to live there just like if separated you’d be paying rent/a mortgage.

Use your money to start your own household and eventually buy your own property. He's taking advantage of you.

Will he be doing 50/50 with all childcare and child related work? As well as childcare costs? They are often more than a mortgage, and the parent who does the pick ups, drop offs and sick days always takes a career hit.
Honestly marriage is a much easier option once you have children in the mix, then you know no matter what it will equal out if things don't work out between you. Although if you do step back in your career, you never get compensated for that.

His unlikely to agree. I’d say half of bills and shopping or your idea and see which one he picks.

But I’d be very wary of a man who wants you to pay so much with zero security no ring or tenancy while often so I’m presuming here leaving 90% of the baby stuff and costs down to you as well.

Maybe if he wants rent you should charge him child maintenance 😉

If I was him I would say no, sorry.

Ask to pay half of all the bills minus mortgage but expect to pay some for accommodation. You'd be paying accommodation if you rented.

This is good advice.

@Lollypop25 how does that work that his deposit is ringfenced but your deposit went on stamp duty and is now gone forever???

To OP you need to discuss it like life partners and make sure you’re both protected when the partnership ends either through splitting up or dying. Take the emotion out of it but he’s benefitting from his investment growing as well as a safe and secure roof over his head whilst you’re financially vulnerable. Is that what he wants for someone he calls a partner?

@KarmenPQZ my deposit was significantly less so I made the decision that sacrificing it for the opportunity to be on the housing ladder (something I never thought I'd achieve in my life having come from a childhood of bailiffs and financial worry) was worth it, for me.

I agree with you that very matter of fact conversations are needed to protect all parties, whatever they are comfortable with which is individual for everyone.

Can I ask why do you want to give him 1k-1.5k a month 😳 that’s a lot of money

is his house a large house with big bills? Have you added together the cost per mth
gas/elec
food - including nappies/food/clothes for child
council tax
water
internet
tv Lic
house ins -not bricks & mortar
child care
you need to add this up and split it between the 2 of you.
you should not be paying towards his mortgage, but a small amount for rent (as you’d have to pay whatever if you lived elsewhere)

Any monies you have left put into an isa until enough for a deposit for a house:flat
make something out of your money for yourself & child, you’ll get more interest from property than in a bank/building society
you don’t have to rent it out yet - leave it empty for a short time

unless I was in rented previously and was struggling I wouldn’t be sharing in someone else’s house
He’s thinks you havnt a clue what your doing & using you previously to help pay some of his mortgage off

either - he sells up or you buy 50% if his house
you & he both put 50/50 deposit on NEW house
and split everything 50/50 what ever is over from salary is each others or if one as much much left
pool it and share 50/50

if he says NO then at least you know where you stand , forget the in a few years etc

"At no point did I claim any right to the property." and "I have/will be effectively helping him pay off his mortgage. So if we do buy together/ split up, I can recover some of my previous contributions towards his mortgage." are incompatible.

Unless he chooses you tom invest, you are simply a lodger - and paying rent. You are not making a contribution tl his mortgage, he is charging you to live there. He was paying his mortgage before you lived there, and you are simply paying him money to live with him - he can spend it on anything he wants.

it is fair for you to ask, and anyone sensible would say no to you. If you both want to change the dynamic fine, but I would expect you to pay half the equity to me in cash, and be named on the mortgage - but I would only do so if I would prefer to have the money not in property. I would very likely tell you to invest yourself in either shares or another property, but you need to pay rent if you live in my house. You can choose or not choose whether to live in your own property or rent it out. If you had you own property and spent 30%+ of your time there, I would no longer expect you to pay beyond extra bills - as then you have your own household to support as well.

In your situation, I'd be expecting a 50/50 split of all bills, including all child related bills, and absolutely no further financial contribution from you, giving you the opportunity to then (hopefully) save enough to buy somewhere you can rent out- because currently you have fuck all security and will have nothing if you seperate

Bloody hell. I'm glad I don't have kids with someone as selfish as you.

Imagine thinking the mother of your child should have no housing security.

What is the market rent for someone who sleeps in your bed, has sex with you and pays half your bills?

I'm talking in theory from the other side, but I'd guess around 0.3% of the property value per month.

I agree with this to some extent. But she shouldn’t pay towards his mortgage then. When my ex lived with me, he gave me £500 a month and that was for all household bills, plus cleaner. Whilst that went towards the service charge and ground rent, nothing went towards the mortgage. We also had a cohabitation agreement drawn up to reflect that. When he left he didn’t question it.