To ask for a cohabitation agreement

[Whatslovegottodowiththis]

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, have a 2 year old toddler and live in my fiancées house - owned solely by him. We got engaged when I was pregnant but since then, he will not discuss any wedding plans. It used to upset me but now I don’t really care much anymore if we get married or not. However, I have recently returned to work after maternity leave and am back to earning a decent wage. He has been struggling financially to cover all the bills and his mortgage when I was on ML as I was not contributing towards bills/mortgage. We have recently discussed that because now I am working, I will start contributing to expenses as I had done before falling pregnant. But here is the issue I have- before I was pregnant I would transfer £700 a month to him, which we agreed would be to cover the cost of bills (not mortgage) but that’s way more than all the bills were and really we should have been paying 1/2 each for the bills (excluding the mortgage). I say that because the house is in his name and if anything were to happen to us, I would have zero rights to it as an unmarried partner. I feel like for years I helped him (through my contributions) with some of the mortgage payments and I have nothing to show for it.
We agreed that we would talk about finances soon and I am going to say that, whilst I am happy to contribute £1k-£1.5k a month, I need an agreement in writing that there will be a separate contribution made by me for HALF the utilities and anything over that will be my contribution towards his mortgage, which IF we move or break up will be considered my equity in the house and will be due back to me. Is this reasonable?

If you lived on your own you would pay bills plus rent or, if you had a mortgage, you’d pay an amount towards the mortgage interest (in addition to the capital), which is money you wouldn’t get back. So I think it would be fair to pay half the bills and a bit extra as ‘rent’. Anything above that could give you an interest in the equity, if that’s what he wants. Otherwise you can use your extra money for an investment of your own.
The above assumes you both work full time. If you work part time in order to look after your child, your contribution should be reduced

Average house prices are about £300k so £900 per month?

Such a weird point of view to want to profit off the mother of your child and not give them any security.

I think contributing to half (or whatever is proportionate to their income) of the mortgage interest wouldn't be so bad.

She certainly shouldn't be adding to his capital with no security at all.

I'm not sure why you are saying this. Two people, both have 300k, one buys a house and the other buys shares. both get 6% return, second person gets to live in the house and keep all their own dividends.

Why is it only housing that should be shared for free?

Now, not having 300k, you take out a mortgage and pay 6% - its exactly the same, person one takes the responsibility and risk. It makes no difference whether they borrowed or had the money - the cost of capital and loss of alternatives investment still needs to be covered.

The person not paying rent is the one profiteering!

It isn't the same at all.

OP is at the biggest risk here as she'd be left with nowhere to live if they broke up, while he'd be sitting pretty having had her pay down his mortgage for her.

Partnerships are meant to be equal and your way would have you with all the power and security and the mother of your child with none.

it doesn't matter whether its mother or father - makes no difference. They are not a traditional partnership - that will come if they decide to get married. They are two independent people as boyfriend and girlfriend parenting a child and living in the house of one of them.

Op has the option to buy a house but chooses to to do so. Op also can also rent. Shock, horror, they will both also have to support themselves as well with clothing and food and many other things if they split.

Are you assuming the child would leave their home just because the mother does? This is the part I'd be thinking about much more. I'd be feeling unless we bought together I am a lodger in my child's home - so would make sure to have my own that the child also lives in - or get married.

It's bizarre that your answer is for OP to move out so they are both worse off financially and as a couple.

OP isn't asking for half the house, just for some security if things go wrong.

I'm not suggesting that.

I'm suggesting either a) get married or continue as is, b) paying rent and separately buy your own property, or c) fully go on the mortgage and buy out 50% of equity and jointly decide whether to buy another property or invest separately.

What I don't think are good options are trying to imply by paying rent this has some connection with paying a mortgage or trying to intertwine existing financial investments without active desire of both parties.

I know what I did, I bought my own property until we got married.

but sury getting married would/might give me right to family home- his home. Didn’t you say that I shouldn’t get this right automatically as it wouldn’t be fair on him?
I am really confused by your answers tbh

When did he buy the house does it pre date you

you need some legal advice as well and sort out what rights you both want as a partnership and parents of a child

do you have wills/if one of you dies how does the other acces bank accounts etc
the fact that if he died who would get the house and be able to deal with it all?

Does he gave any other children? Or a will? I’m assuming if he died intestate the house would go to your joint child.

You don’t need to give him any money towards rent/mortgage - if you are a partnership he should be willing to support you with somewhere to live otherwise you may as well just get your own place.

split all the bills childcare etc 50/50 if your salaries are equal.

have you returned to work part/time?
if yes your career/pension will take a hit so factor this in with paying bills etc maybe he should pay a percentage more of the bills.

he doesn’t want to get married because he doesn’t want to share his house with you in case of a split.

so you should be saving the mortgage/rent payments for your future security. As others have said don’t pay for any building work/maintenence on the house. You can buy furniture because you can take this with you in a split (keep the receipts).

this way he doesn’t need to sign a cohabitation agreement.

protect your interests just as he is protecting his.

Years ago when XH moved into my house, he paid for half of all food and utilities, but nothing towards the mortgage or house costs/repairs, as I did not want him to have a claim on my house if we split up. We did marry and buy together 3-4 years later. I would never ever give anyone half of my property again though, having gone through a divorce.

You need to sit down and talk this through properly. You shouldn't be paying anything towards his mortgage as you have no claim on the house. He needs to protect his asset. He also needs to understand that you need security. He may also feel that you shouldn't live there "rent free" . These situations are never easy when you are not married, as you both need to protect yourselves.

If you are a solid couple then I would put money away each month, with a view to putting equity into the property at some point in the future and having a share transferred to you. You should get legal advice and get ownership deeds drawn up properly at that point.

It would also give you a buffer if you split up and need to rent/buy somewhere.

@Whatslovegottodowiththis

not sure what's so confusing. I'm still not sure why you think having a child together without marriage sets any expectations regarding anything else - it's marriage that changes that - an explicit choice by both.

Regarding gaining access to property in marriage, well yes, if you are married you combine assets - so all of your things also becomes his. Assuming you have the same, which is the only reason later in life you'd consider it - otherwise it can ever really be an equal partnership, you both bring the same and you share in each others ups and downs as you really are together in life.

Just like threads on landlords - you are in no way paying the mortgage, as having a mortgage has responsibilities - you are simply a lodger paying rent. Doesn't take away your girlfriend status, nor the fact you may be deeply in love together - but in terms of finance, you are separate and responsible for yourselves, and whoever owns the property you're in, couple or not, will decide how much rent you are offered to pay to say.

You have no contribution to return - you've used the service you paid rent for by staying.

As far as I can see there are 2 people who want a home together but they want investment opportunities for their future and that of their child. Given the probability that any relationship can end this is practical thinking on both sides. No one is being grabby, selfish, uncommitted or unromantic.

Both parties have a responsibility to fund the cost of their own shelter and that of their child. For the father that takes the form of his investment into home ownership. If the OP wants to fund her housing and investment needs via home ownership she needs to offer to become party to the ownership of the property. That means taking on the risk of the mortgage jointly with him. That’s not even entirely up to him. His lender may not agree to that and he may not think the OP is a reliable investment partner.

The OP needs to think carefully about the responsibility of becoming party to a joint mortgage. Just like him she may not think he is the best investment partner. Because the lender doesn’t care who pays it. And she may end up paying 100% if her partner falls ill or loses his job.

There are relationship discussions that also have to take place. After 10 years and a child it is difficult to be financially independent. It often doesn’t even make financial sense. Combined wealth is easier to capitalise on than individual wealth. It provides more potential for growth and risk taking.

At the end of the day, not thinking about your personal financial security even if married or in a partnership is stupid. Divorce and breakups are a statistical likelihood for everyone.