My 11 year old son hates me and won't talk to me. Will it ever get better?

[Canonical]

He was always the sweetest boy. Very close with me and loving. When dh was in hospital with a life threatening illness over a month, ds became detached from me and this has escalated to him calling me a bitch, cunt etc and not allowing me to look at him or talk to him. It is such an extreme change I am suffering from guilt, trauma and feel like I'm missing g something. I have never punished him and repeatedly tell him that I love him unconditionally but this just makes him more angry. I don't know what to do and it's affecting me so badly. I just want my happy, sweet boy back. I want him to be happy more than anything and worry something else is going on.

I think family therapy would be useful. Can he access something through school?

I would share your worry that something else is going on OP. What happened during that month - were you occupied with looking after DH, was DS looked after by someone else? New crowd? Check his internet history maybe?

@Nespressso He moved up to high school at the same time his dad was critically lll in ITU. They have started something called the humonclui intervention. He is an angel at school and for any other adults.

Agree with PP some therapy sounds like it might be needed. Is it a trauma response to the worry about his dad being so ill? Might he be pushing you away in fear he might lose you through illness? Could be all sorts going on in his head that only a professional can unpick. I hope you can access some help for you both, good luck

I have a very tight reign on his phone use. He was never really close to dh (his dad) until he came back from hospital. This is the o e wonderful thing g to come out of it all.

It sounds like he is dealing with trauma relating to his dad’s illness. He might be lashing out at you because he can’t process the feelings and you’re his safe space. I would see if you can find a child therapist who can help him with through these feelings in a safe and healthy way.

I hope things improve for you all soon ♥️

Thank you all for being so supportive and not telling me to punish him. It feels like his behaviour is out of his own control.

He has always been so Incredibly sweet and loving. He's also treating his younger brother in the same way whereas they used to play nicely

I have been told I am his safe space

It sounds like this behaviour is completely out of character.

Is he being bullied at school?

Who looked after him whilst you were busy looking after DH?

You are his safe space but at the same time it's not ok for him to treat you like this and it sounds like he needs some professional help to work out other ways of getting his feelings out.

Child psychologist. He's not dealing with his trauma and needs a safe space either a third party to work though this.

@bluebeck I did for almost all of the time and he and younger ds would go to my sister house (very much trusted and happy place that he continues to ask to have sleepovers at). I made sure that the boys visited dh (apart from iTu as charente wernt allowed).

Homunculi intervention is a type of CBT for children, i think, so if he is having this, that's a good thing. It does sound like he's transferring all his anger and fear about his dad onto you, which is understandable, but he doesn't get a free pass to be violent or verbally abusive to you or his brother. It might be useful to ask his therapist for some strategies to help manage his behaviour at home.

@LaDamaDeElche AND @Dramatic I totally agree and.rrally want to.access rhis for him. I've floated it with him and he says.point blank no to therapy.

Has your dh spoken to him about his behaviour? There may well be stuff going on but it doesn't mean it's ok for him to treat his mother like that.

What were the consequences for him calling you a cunt?

I think that some serious discipline is needed here over therapy. I appreciate you’re upset but I absolutely wouldn’t show him that, and if my child called me a cunt I’d come down on him like a ton of bricks.

He perhaps needs therapy but I also think we’re often too quick to jump to saying they need therapy when actually what they often need is to be told in no uncertain terms that you do not speak to people like that and you won’t stand for it.

He’s eleven. I understand that he’s had a hard time but his behaviour is unacceptable, and there need to be consequences. Take away his games console/screen/ground him/whatever consequence you generally use. I’d be telling him that he’d bloody well better justify his words and his actions.

He’s a child and you’re an adult. He’ll do as he’s bloody well told and he absolutely does not speak to anyone like that. Ever.

Thanks @POny I agree that he can't do this, especially towards his little brother but I don't want to push him away. The humonclui cbt started due to unrealted ritualised behaviour much earlier in the year.

He's 11 and you are the parent. It's not a choice. It will help him. The job of the psychologist is to work with children who are resistant and get them to open up.

He needs therapy! Maybe He has been frightened by the experience of his dad being unwell and potentially dying and is afraid the same could happen to you if he loves you so much.

@Not tonight was the first time he dropped the C bomb. I felt he was doing it for a negative reaction so I continued to read little ds a story and told him Notton ever speak to me like that.

I live in a country where it's much more normal for children with emotional problems to see a psychologist. There's no floating it or discussing, it's a treatment like meds would be. If your child needed meds it's not a discussion, same with therapy. Sounds like you need to step up a bit and be the parent.

Dh is far more old school and prone to telling him off but even he feels this is out of (ds's) control. I can't afford therapy outside of his school intervention.

You are out of your depth and you need professional help.

That’s sounds really difficult.

You mention you don’t punish him? What do you do when he calls you a cunt or is disrespectful to you or his sibling?