My 11 year old son hates me and won't talk to me. Will it ever get better?

[Canonical]

He was always the sweetest boy. Very close with me and loving. When dh was in hospital with a life threatening illness over a month, ds became detached from me and this has escalated to him calling me a bitch, cunt etc and not allowing me to look at him or talk to him. It is such an extreme change I am suffering from guilt, trauma and feel like I'm missing g something. I have never punished him and repeatedly tell him that I love him unconditionally but this just makes him more angry. I don't know what to do and it's affecting me so badly. I just want my happy, sweet boy back. I want him to be happy more than anything and worry something else is going on.

I totally agree

I can ask my parents to fund therapy at a push. What type would be recommended?

Id be questioning where hes even learnt language like that genuinely mine at 11 hadnt heard the c word or certainly hadnt heard it frequently enough to feel confident to actually use it.
Like a PP if a child of mine any age used that language to me my god would they regret it! Bye bye phone bye bye all screens!

I'd strongly suspect he's been exposed to some horrible 'manosphere' content on social media

It sounds really hard but there needs to be serious consequences for him talking like that to you. Consequences explained beforehand and if he doesn’t listen, actual punishment that’s followed through without anger or emotion.

His Dad is a chef and he's helped out peeli g potatoes in the kitchen before. I'd say I know where he learnt it!

@gemmy He's only had a phone.for.a.few months. I really hope not.

To be fair I hear the year 5 and 6 kids at my kids school talking like that. My kids don’t play games and aren’t allowed to watch YouTube and yet my 8 year old knows some of those words (but doesn’t use them on me)

But I agree that screens, toys, whatever works would be gone if that language was used in my house.

What triggers these behaviours /outbursts?

Does he have periods when he's himself, calm, loving etc?

Is he increasingly independent or particularly clingy or just the same as before?

Does he talk about his feelings/worries when he's calm?

There is no trigger. He is like this 100% of the time around me and ds 6 but loving and kind around others.

No periods of being himself with me at all but with his Dad he is.

Much more independent.

He will not talk with me at all a d not about his feelings to anyone. (He's never been comfortable talking feelings though).

That's really shocking and abusive language for ANY one to be using, least of all a child to his mother.

There absolutely do need to be consequences for behaviour like this- not physical punishments, obviously, but most definitely the loss of screens/phone.

I expect you feel so shocked you have the ''Deer in the headlights'' look when he abuses you - he has to know that this behaviour is very abusive and unfair on you and the sibling.

he is trying to process trauma and consciously testing you,whilst unconsciously knowing you’ll not reject him. He need a camh referral and school support. He doesn’t have the words or adequate coping skills hence the anger,rage and inappropriate words. It’s understandable but inappropriate he can be supported to address this and develop adequate coping skills

You need to look for a child psychologist in your area. If they think he needs someone else they can advise. Please ignore the comments on here about screens or dealing with it yourself. No one on here is a professional, you need professional intervention with a traumatic life experience and a big change in behaviour. Just do this and leave the other advice on the thread.

It's not a choice for him, he either stops this behaviour towards you and his brother or he goes to some kind of therapy, that's the bottom line. You can't allow this to continue.

Has his dad sat him down and asked him why he's being like this with you?

I am going to take the wonderful advice from all bit especially LaDama and step away from this thread now. I really feel it is deeply trauma based.

This sounds incredibly tough.

Where is your dh in this? And where us your son's GP? It sounds as if you are having to sirt all this out on your own?

Has your dh had therapy following his ICU stay? Eg icu patients can often be offered an outreach visit where they go back to the unit and talk to the team, especially if they are experiencing hallucinations, bad dreams or just not being sure what was real at that time. I'd expect your dh to model going to therapy for your ds - i agree that ut shoukdnt be a choice but also your dh should be reassuring him it's a good and normal thng to do. And I think that family therapy would be 100% the most appropriate intervention for you all, what a horrific time you have all had 💐

I am probably the least strict parent ever! And probably the person most likely to empathise with the child and suggest being kind, thoughtful, open and soft etc...

However, maybe he does need to know that his words are impacting you and you are not.prepated to be his punching bag anymore. If he calls you a cunt again you need to tell him it's not acceptable, it hurts your feelings and he should not speak to someone who loves him dearly in this way. You may need to say that in a firm voice. He may need to feel.bad and have a cry before he's able to open up to you.

Can't believe I'm saying that, but I do think he needs to see you hurt and what his words can do.

You might well be his safe space... but you aren't his whipping bitch.

Make this into a valuable lesson, people won't be your 'safe space' if you treat them like shit.

Unconditional love does not equal being a verbal punching bag.

@Canonical this sounds like he is afraid of losing you - his Dad being in hospital has made him realise his parents might not always be there. That’s a terrifying realisation and he is at the most difficult age.

seriouslynonames

"Agree with PP some therapy sounds like it might be needed. Is it a trauma response to the worry about his dad being so ill? Might he be pushing you away in fear he might lose you through illness? Could be all sorts going on in his head that only a professional can unpick. I hope you can access some help for you both, good luck"

Yes, I agree, I am having trouble with my son too and so will be looking here with interest.

Good luck.

You do have my sympathy, I know what it is like and it is hard.

In my opinion (I'm not an expert , but I do work with kids that have been through trauma), he is distancing yourself from you/his brother. Most likely driven by fear. The incident with your DH probably affected him a lot more than he expected, especially since you say they weren't close. The two of you are the ones he was really close to and loves so the thought of losing you and how that will feel is terrifying him. As a result he's putting as much distance as possible between you, the only way he knows how. If he says it enough, maybe it will become true, and if anything happens, it will hurt less.

He definitely needs extra, professional, support. This is not something you can fix or love out of him on your own.

Since he's already involved with services in school, I'd ask them as a first point of call for any other services /support that you can look at . Play therapy, counsellor etc.

Have you considered whether he might be neurodivergent? Your description of him being a sweet and loving boy until he's out of control is similar to my boy with ADHD. Sometimes it doesn't become apparent until puberty or until there's so much stress they can't mask it anymore.

This.

We are adopters, which is very different to your situation, but we were told that children under stress struggle to keep it together at all times. Sometimes they need to make a choice whether to keep it together at school or at home. They cannot manage both.

The fact he is keeping it together at school but letting you get the brunt of it means that he knows you love him and it is safe for him to let his anger out.

That doesn't make it easy on you I know.

I am so very sorry.

Safe space or not you do not tolerate the way he is speaking to you. Even if you don't actively punish him you don't put up with it

It's also not fair on his younger brother and it needs to stop while you get to the bottom of it