My 11 year old son hates me and won't talk to me. Will it ever get better?

[Canonical]

He was always the sweetest boy. Very close with me and loving. When dh was in hospital with a life threatening illness over a month, ds became detached from me and this has escalated to him calling me a bitch, cunt etc and not allowing me to look at him or talk to him. It is such an extreme change I am suffering from guilt, trauma and feel like I'm missing g something. I have never punished him and repeatedly tell him that I love him unconditionally but this just makes him more angry. I don't know what to do and it's affecting me so badly. I just want my happy, sweet boy back. I want him to be happy more than anything and worry something else is going on.

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you and both your DC, I'm so sad reading this. If it started when dad was poorly then it's either something else big happened at the same time he felt he couldn't and still can't tell you about or more likely you are his safe space and he's so scared of losing you like he almost lost his dad that it's easier to push you away so it won't hurt as much if you got sick.
If he won't talk would he write his feelings down? Could you write him a letter explaining how much you love him and want him to be happy?
I agree with no punishment and the only reaction is to say calmly don't speak to me like that as I don't think this is him just hitting puberty and pushing boundaries, I think it's deeper than that.
Regards your parents paying for therapy, whilst I think it's a good idea I wonder at the moment if it's a waste of time/money if he's so against the idea and isn't ready to talk yet?
Sending love ❤️

He is calling you a cunt and in response you are focusing on ‘unconditional love’ and no punishment rather than disciplining him. That is the problem. He may or may not be neurodivergent but there is no excuse whatsoever for an 11 year old using that kind of language.

Fear and trauma of his Dad being seriously ill in hospital. He may be scared the same thing could happen again or you could become ill. He could be worrying about either you or his Dad dying. Worrying about what would happen to him and his brother. At 11, he can't process all those emotions and he's taking out all that fear on you. Hospitals are scary places for children, especially when they know someone is very ill. He needs therapy to work through his emotions and for reassurance.

It's difficult when kids learn the lesson that a loved one can be fine one minute and seriously ill or gone the next.

Je could be holding you at arms length because the fear of losing you is overwhelming.

Hormones will be kicking in at his age, too.

If he has access to Roblox get rid of it. The interactions on there had a very negative effect on my kids behaviour. Look at other games he’s playing. Who is he interacting with?

Has he any access to incel materials? Or Andrew Tate crap? What are his new friends like?

There needs to be repercussions if he uses C words (and similar) towards you. Factual but fair, unemotional. No phone screens for 48 hours or whatever.

Is he quite a sensitive boy? Is he happy at school? How has he found the transition to his new school? Is this particular school the right place for him? Schools are often harsh dog eat dog environments and you may be receiving fallout from the tension he feels around school (and his dad’s illness). Talk to the pastoral team and his form tutor and ask them to help support his well-being because he’s not ok despite giving the impression he is.

more importantly you need to rebuild a bond. Have silly fun carefree quality 1:1 time, make him feel treasured without you being needy. Has he any interests you could help expand?

My first thought is that your DH's illness has rattled him to the core and he doesn't know how to cope and he's taking it out on the person he loves the most and feels the safest with. Even adults can react like this when they're not coping.

Its not about him hating you, its about him not coping.

Has anyone got or read this book....The Homunculi Approach to Social and Emotional Wellbeing

A Flexible CBT Programme for Young People on the Autism Spectrum or with Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties

By Anne Greig and Tommy MacKay. Foreword: Rita Jordan

I saw it when I started looking at Homunculi from this thread. I have ordered it.

Get a private therapist. It should only take a few sessions and they are trained to get them talking ( through doing activities together etc).