Seeking Opinions on Possible Cultural Differences or Gaslighting in My Relationship

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out for advice and to hear your perspectives. I’m Spanish, and my partner is English. We’ve been together for 10 years, and I’ve lived in the UK for 11 years. Until recently, we never noticed any significant cultural differences between us—possibly some language-related issues at the beginning since my English wasn’t great back then, especially my pronunciation. However, I’ve improved a lot over the years and now feel confident speaking and understanding the language.

The issue started after we had our baby three years ago. Suddenly, my partner has been pointing out what he describes as “cultural differences,” and honestly, I feel like it’s pure gaslighting.

For example, yesterday we were discussing a political topic and sharing our opinions. At one point, we both started speaking at the same time. We quickly stopped to let the other continue, but he told me that I was being very rude and that I always interrupt him. He said this is a cultural issue because I’m Spanish and that I need to understand how unpleasant it is for people in the UK when someone interrupts. He even mentioned that he’d seen me do this with some of our English friends and that they had found it unpleasant too.

I explained that I didn’t interrupt him intentionally—we simply started speaking at the same time, and I immediately stopped to let him continue. His words left me feeling humiliated because no one has ever said anything like this to me before.

Another example is when I ask him about something he hasn’t done—like his share of the weekly cleaning. Instead of answering, he tells me that in England, people aren’t so direct and that I should say something positive first (e.g., praising him for taking the bins out that morning), then politely ask him to do his part, and finally thank him again afterward.

Honestly, I feel this is manipulative. I’m not his mother, and I shouldn’t have to remind him every week to do his share of the chores. On top of that, he doesn’t treat me this way. It feels like he’s shifting the focus of the conversation so that instead of addressing the fact that he hasn’t done his part, I’m the one in the wrong because my approach is supposedly “incorrect.”

I’d love to hear your opinions. Do you think these are genuine cultural differences, or is this gaslighting and manipulation?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

Nope. Not cultural. Unless his culture is "twat".

Following. I have one of these.

None of this is cultural. Your husband sounds pretty unpleasant.

Of course it's not culture.

A boyfriend demanding I praise him for emptying a bin would be immediately dumped. How utterly pathetic.

Not cultural but I do find certain individuals use this a lot almost like a put down.

I'm not British though I have lived here for 34 years. If I tell people I don't like Monty Phyton I get a lecture about how it's British humour and it doesn't translate. Nope its because I do not find that particular type of humour funny for that "show" i like and find plenty of other British older shows funny. It's not cultural it's personal taste.

Nope, he's full of shit. Nothing you've described is cultural differences, just a dickhead trying to close you down whenever he behaves like a tosser.

So sorry you've found yourself in a relationship with such an utter cockwomble.

Hahahahahaha

How on earth does he manage to say all that with a straight face?

You are a saint for not telling him he is absolutely off his rocker.

He is absolutely trying to train you into walking on eggshells and be insecure about yourself.

Nope, first response nails it
He's a twat

Definitely not cultural (it's not gaslighting either mind you, that's a misuse of the term, in this case he is simply being a knob).

Praise for putting out the bins?. Is he 6? Nope not cultural, just unpleasant.

Fuck me! He wants to be praised first, like a toddler, for a non-achievement before you remind him to do something? And then you must thank him?

Praise him for wiping his own arse then tell him to do his fucking washing. Skip the thanking him bit.

He’s gaslighting you. There are plenty of British arseholes but this is not cultural. Can you not think of a satisfying Spanish tradition of how to deal with pompous arseholes?

I don’t think he sees you as equal.

There are different rules of politeness among cultures. In some cultures, it's perfeclty polite to issue a direct order: 'Close the door.' That's seen as a bit rude and abrupt in English. We tend to say, 'Would/could you close the door, please?' Or 'Would you mind closing the door?' A friend of mine who married an Italian man was always being told off by his family for saying 'Thank you,' too much. We say 'thank you' a lot in English. Italian rules of politeness don't require it. It's a minefield.

So your DH could be picking up on something you do that you're not aware of. Ask a good, trusted friend - one who'll be honest with you.

He wants praise, then another request to do his part, then thanks when he finally gets off his arse? He sounds like a child!

You have had a child with an arsehole.
Sorry.
Protect yourself.

There are definitely certain cultural aspects of British life which are unusual to me but nobody has ever told me I have to give them a "bullshit sandwich" except in a work environment. Just to clarify the "bullshit sandwich" is when you put some negative feedback in the middle of two compliments. Everyone knows you are doing it which makes it pointless even in a professional environment but I digress...
People in Britain are indeed a lot less direct. I learned that one Christmas dinner when my MIL asked if the pheasant was a bit dry and I honestly said one of them was. I assumed she was genuinely interested in feedback. My mistake. Ever since then they were referring to me as "delightfully European" which I am pretty sure was a code for rude. But there was no big drama either way.
I also have it on good authority that "could you please" is polite British for "do it now!"
But no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your communication and your husband needs to grow up.

Whatever the cultural differences, you shouldn't have to alter your behaviour to fit 'his culture' in your own home.

Another example is when I ask him about something he hasn’t done—like his share of the weekly cleaning. Instead of answering, he tells me that in England, people aren’t so direct and that I should say something positive first (e.g., praising him for taking the bins out that morning), then politely ask him to do his part, and finally thank him again afterward.

If this is true thank God I’m not in the UK. 😂

Why didn’t he learn Spanish so that you can talk in Spanish and he in English? And your child be bilingual? Odd.

"...he tells me that in England, people aren’t so direct and that I should say something positive first (e.g., praising him for taking the bins out that morning), then politely ask him to do his part, and finally thank him again afterward."

This is hilarious, and total nonsense. He's behaving like a child. Even if it was simply a cultural difference (and it's not), why is he saying you "should" do it his way? Why can't he accept that you're simply more direct and perhaps grow a thicker skin instead of whining that he hasn't been praised enough for doing really basic things? I would lose patience with his attitude reeeaal quick.

I think he’s refereeing to the shit sandwich (something nice, criticism, something nice). But just asking him to do chores? That’s fine to just ask….

He sounds like he’s trying to ‘other’ you, please call him out. Your baby is half Spanish and your child should feel proud to be Spanish, rather than constantly being told ‘that’s not how we do it here’ like being English is the only way to live.

He's talking bollocks - totally normal to start talking at the same time and to ask someone to do chores without carefully preceding it with some sort of bullshit compliment and thanking him afterwards. Does he do that if he asks you to do something? I don't even need to do that with my 12 yo!

Sounds like this all suddenly came up after you had your DC together when it hadn't been an issue for many years. He knows you're now "stuck" and he can abuse and gaslight you like this to get you tiptoeing around him and probably doing more and more of your share of housework/childcare in case he kicks off and insults your culture again (which by the way, must feel really upsetting to you).

Literally what has that got to do with anything?

I think expecting to be praised for doing something completely usual, such as emptying bins is bonkers. However I do think that generally speaking British people aren't as direct. So I might say ' I'm really sorry to bother you' as a precursor to a request. I would not just jump straight in. And saying please and thank you constantly. Apparently that's not so common in some cultures. As is apologising when it's not actually your fault. So someone bumps into me and I say sorry! I mean that is crazy!

The wanting praise before you ask why he hasn’t done something he’s supposed to do is not a cultural norm. Though there is a type of man who frequently expects praise for the slightest bit of housework despite never praising the women they live with for doing the same. This is just sexism which isn’t a cultural norm as such, it’s just more normal than it should be.

The talking over/interrupting may be a cultural difference. Some cultures give more space and engage in turn taking in conversation than others and Brits tend towards more turn taking. But the example you gave that when he brought it up wasn’t of you talking over, it was just of you starting to talk at the same time, which could be you not engaging in turn taking to the “normal”-for-Britain extent but could just be you both starting to talk at the same time. Given the sexism with housework, though, I wonder if this is more about him thinking you should be deferring to him more because he’s the man.