Seeking Opinions on Possible Cultural Differences or Gaslighting in My Relationship

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out for advice and to hear your perspectives. I’m Spanish, and my partner is English. We’ve been together for 10 years, and I’ve lived in the UK for 11 years. Until recently, we never noticed any significant cultural differences between us—possibly some language-related issues at the beginning since my English wasn’t great back then, especially my pronunciation. However, I’ve improved a lot over the years and now feel confident speaking and understanding the language.

The issue started after we had our baby three years ago. Suddenly, my partner has been pointing out what he describes as “cultural differences,” and honestly, I feel like it’s pure gaslighting.

For example, yesterday we were discussing a political topic and sharing our opinions. At one point, we both started speaking at the same time. We quickly stopped to let the other continue, but he told me that I was being very rude and that I always interrupt him. He said this is a cultural issue because I’m Spanish and that I need to understand how unpleasant it is for people in the UK when someone interrupts. He even mentioned that he’d seen me do this with some of our English friends and that they had found it unpleasant too.

I explained that I didn’t interrupt him intentionally—we simply started speaking at the same time, and I immediately stopped to let him continue. His words left me feeling humiliated because no one has ever said anything like this to me before.

Another example is when I ask him about something he hasn’t done—like his share of the weekly cleaning. Instead of answering, he tells me that in England, people aren’t so direct and that I should say something positive first (e.g., praising him for taking the bins out that morning), then politely ask him to do his part, and finally thank him again afterward.

Honestly, I feel this is manipulative. I’m not his mother, and I shouldn’t have to remind him every week to do his share of the chores. On top of that, he doesn’t treat me this way. It feels like he’s shifting the focus of the conversation so that instead of addressing the fact that he hasn’t done his part, I’m the one in the wrong because my approach is supposedly “incorrect.”

I’d love to hear your opinions. Do you think these are genuine cultural differences, or is this gaslighting and manipulation?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

If he were helping out by explaining cultural differences between you and friends that would be one thing - I've done that myself with my hubby who is European. After all you have chosen to live here so it is on you to adapt to the locals. But honestly between the two of you I don't think it matters if it is 'cultural differences' or not. It's a misnomer. He didn't marry an English woman, he married a Spaniard. Why should his so-called cultural norms prevail between you? You didn't change from the person he married and this is what he chose. Re the cleaning I might be tempted to say in my culture we do what we say we are going to do and it is actually shameful if we need to be reminded and we apologize immediately and just do it - why don't you try adapting to my culture.

Im British and have lived abroad a lot.

Both of these examples do have a cultural context in my opinion.

In most of Europe a friendly discussion in a bar might well result in people talking over each other, interrupting, speaking passionately, casually touching each other etc. In the uk there is a class-based context that this is “common” or “lower class” and that if you’re well educated or polite that you are more reserved, more distant. It’s quite old fashioned but is definitely there as an undercurrent in modern manners.

In English direct speech has an undercurrent of rudeness, it can come across as critical or instructional. “You haven’t done your chores, hoover the floor” is really rude in English in a way it wouldn’t be Spanish. There is an expectation that you would mitigate the directness of the request. “Please would you mind hoovering the floor when you have a minute?”

Generally, when someone is noticeably a foreign language speaker, native English speakers understand that rudeness isn’t intended. The better your English, the more expectation there is that you’ll comply with these “quirks”. It’s like using informal language towards someone who you need to show respect to in Spanish - fine if you’re clearly a foreigner, very rude if your language is native level.

In terms of dealing with it with your partner, I think that you should insist on Spanish at home and encourage him to learn the language.

Hilarious to the poster who said, "unless his culture is twat" 😂Totally agree

I was talking of how people uses cultural differences" as a put down.

Shall we talk about the overuse of the word "literally"?

Gaslighting. Unfortunately it gets harder to hide your unpleasant side when have a baby. That or you don't bother because the other person is now trapped

If you've been together for 10 years then he knew you all along and didn't mind. Now he suddenly doesn't like it. Strange. My good French friend was abandoned by her English husband because he fell in love with a fellow workmate. Sometimes, when we fall in love, it is the differences that attract us. But as we get older, we start longing for something more familiar. However, you had a baby, so it's probable he just doesn't like the extra work at home and uses the cultural differences as an excuse to escape extra duties and put you down. I'd suggest to sit down and have an honest conversation about it. Child changes a lot in the relationship and when it starts growing up, your different approaches to upbringing will start to come up. It's quite difficult to navigate all this in a multicultural relationship. Unfortunately your partner does not sound very open-minded...

It's not cultural its Darvo and gaslighting. He's diverting attention from himself to you. He's also bringing in allys (people who have probably never had an issue with you inturipting) to support his case.

I do interrupt my OH (he gets cross, because it’s rude, and I apologise), but it’s not cultural! I’m British too. It’s me being bumptious. Starting to talk at the same time isn’t the same thing as this at all. The chores thing is just bollocks. If someone in the house isn’t pulling their weight absolutely you can just tell them, no need to mess about with ‘oh darling, I know you’re so busy and you put the bins out SO well, but would you mind very much please doing the washing up you said you would do yesterday, please, thank you, and sorry for asking, you’re amazing for doing these jobs around OUR HOUSE’. He is being very unreasonable to tell you such things- and that’s not cultural either!

Your post is worrying though. Your OH sounds as if he is deliberately undermining you in order to make you unconfident and possibly quieter, taking up less space, being deferential towards him. Now why would he want to do this? You say this started when your dc was born. Sadly, abuse often starts or ramps up when children come along, or after marriage. I would examine how his criticism makes you feel; if there’s any sense of walking on eggshells, or of losing confidence in yourself, or of him getting away with not pulling his weight or making you wait on him, or apologise for quite normal things- I would say this is a red flag.

I’m British, can’t find a single member who f my family in the last 300 years that was born outside the uk. I also don’t like Monty Python. It’s just not my humour

Deffo he is being manipulative, fight back now before it gets worse. Because it will if you let him get away with it.
Make a point of teaching him Spanish. Make him repeat the words to get the pronunciation right. Baby should become bilingual. That's an A level sorted already!🙂

Please do talk about that!

Only a child still learning what is polite and what is not, or someone under your employ requires the shit sandwich approach.

I have ADHD and am a big interrupter. I try not to but it’s just part of me. If my husband mentioned it in the way yours did I think my response would be “oh do fuck off”. I can GUARANTEE that no one has mentioned it too him. Can you imagine the conversation: “hey Jeremy (because Jeremy is a twats name) I find it mightily unpleasant when your wife interrupts”

If someone were to criticise my spouse I’d shut them down, where’s is fucking loyalty allowing others to criticise the mother of his child??

as the first poster said, his culture is twat and his aim is merely to make you feel shit about yourself.

Sorry but he is an idiot! Rest assured you are doing nothing wrong x

Interesting how your 'cultural differences' appear to be the same issues that countless British women experience all the time too.

I would say it is a culture of misogyny that you are dealing with.

“Another example is when I ask him about something he hasn’t done—like his share of the weekly cleaning. Instead of answering, he tells me that in England, people aren’t so direct and that I should say something positive first (e.g., praising him for taking the bins out that morning), then politely ask him to do his part, and finally thank him again afterward.”

And I’m sure he does this with you on a daily basis?

Honestly, I find it a bit worrying. I hope you have support around you, friends. Family?
x

He sounds like your average asshole 🤷🏾‍♀️. YANBU.

Am I the only person who is approaching 60 and never heard of a shit sandwich in my life?

Hes just being a twat. Nothing to do with cultural difference just plain old fashioned male entitlement

Tell him you have lived in UK for 11 years.
He is not the cultural police!
He is being very offensive and so silly!
Give him a book about how nice Spain is - or several.

Maybe it's just something my crass former boss used to say!

It sounds like the culture might have been in some houses a generation ago, when women didn't work and if men did anything tiny they'd get praise for 'helping' as women didn't have the option to leave like he did now.

Lots of people's true colours come out after they have a baby and they tend to revert back to roles that their parents took on in the house.

His dad clearly took on the role of 'petulant teen' or 'virtual stranger' in the household.

Sorry OP I think you've had a child with a lazy misogynistic twat who managed to hide his true self before you got pregnant.

And I think it is gaslighting, trying to convince the OP that reality is different to make her question her own perception of events

What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't praise you and remind you for doing your share of the chores?

Is that what he expects his boss to do at work, praise him all the time, remind him to do things he has already agreed to do as part of his daily role and then praise him and thank him again? Or is it just you?

I've heard of a shit sandwich, it's normally when you have to give someone bad feedback

The first one, about interrupting people mid flow. I do that all the time. It's not a good trait and I often get people quite rightly saying 'let me finish'. I try my best to adhere to that as people won't want to talk to you if they feel they're not being listened to when telling a story or expressing something. It's not cultural. But I would say he has a point.

Second one I don't think he can really say much tbh. That's more domestic disputes between you two which again aren't cultural. He sounds ridiculous saying 'in England we do xyz'. Does he realise half the population weren't born here or are second gen and a different race?
It almost sounds kind of racist.

Ignore it or tell him to piss off on the latter. On the former I'd say try not to interrupt as nobody likes that. I know it comes from enthusiasm as I do it myself. But others dont like it.

it's amazing how often the first response nails it!