Seeking Opinions on Possible Cultural Differences or Gaslighting in My Relationship

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out for advice and to hear your perspectives. I’m Spanish, and my partner is English. We’ve been together for 10 years, and I’ve lived in the UK for 11 years. Until recently, we never noticed any significant cultural differences between us—possibly some language-related issues at the beginning since my English wasn’t great back then, especially my pronunciation. However, I’ve improved a lot over the years and now feel confident speaking and understanding the language.

The issue started after we had our baby three years ago. Suddenly, my partner has been pointing out what he describes as “cultural differences,” and honestly, I feel like it’s pure gaslighting.

For example, yesterday we were discussing a political topic and sharing our opinions. At one point, we both started speaking at the same time. We quickly stopped to let the other continue, but he told me that I was being very rude and that I always interrupt him. He said this is a cultural issue because I’m Spanish and that I need to understand how unpleasant it is for people in the UK when someone interrupts. He even mentioned that he’d seen me do this with some of our English friends and that they had found it unpleasant too.

I explained that I didn’t interrupt him intentionally—we simply started speaking at the same time, and I immediately stopped to let him continue. His words left me feeling humiliated because no one has ever said anything like this to me before.

Another example is when I ask him about something he hasn’t done—like his share of the weekly cleaning. Instead of answering, he tells me that in England, people aren’t so direct and that I should say something positive first (e.g., praising him for taking the bins out that morning), then politely ask him to do his part, and finally thank him again afterward.

Honestly, I feel this is manipulative. I’m not his mother, and I shouldn’t have to remind him every week to do his share of the chores. On top of that, he doesn’t treat me this way. It feels like he’s shifting the focus of the conversation so that instead of addressing the fact that he hasn’t done his part, I’m the one in the wrong because my approach is supposedly “incorrect.”

I’d love to hear your opinions. Do you think these are genuine cultural differences, or is this gaslighting and manipulation?

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

He said this is a cultural issue because I’m Spanish and that I need to understand how unpleasant it is for people in the UK when someone interrupts. He even mentioned that he’d seen me do this with some of our English friends and that they had found it unpleasant too

This stood out to me. He's bringing in friends into this and claiming that they noticed and didn't like it. Really? So at some point you interrupted them when talking and they later had a discussion with him about it and said it was unpleasant? Nope, not buying that.
And the reason I'm not buying that is because my ex (Austrian) used to say things like about me and claim his friends thought I was odd or weird. Or "People don't like it when you....".

I didn't realize it at the time but he just didn't like me talking to any of his friends. I had the impression the conversations were fun and interesting, his friends laughed and joked with me and I thought it was ok. But no, he claimed his friends didn't like me or the way I am and that it was a "cultural difference".
As it turned out, after we'd split and I occasionally met some of friends out and about, they did really like me, they were so nice to me, said they missed me and that I was fun and they'd always had a laugh.

So I am very sceptical of this claim about his friends. I suspect it's probably the same as it was in my case, he doesn't like you getting on with his friends.

In the incident you describe, you both started talking at the same time, which occasionally happens when you are having a conversation. It shouldn't be an issue at all. You stop and one of you says "you go on" or whatever and that's the end of it.

It’s not cultural. Don’t let this man manipulate you and change the power dynamic here, the guy doesn’t respect you.

Above is right. He wasn’t just happy to humiliate you, he even used his friends to do it so now you can feel crappy and even more isolated in a foreign country.

I’d work on a plan to leave him because this won’t get better, these men don’t improve

He sounds like a manipulating gas lighting Dickhead.
Nothing cultural involved with that
Offering praise before asking him to do the bins? Is he 5 ?

I lived in Spain and people do talk over each other in conversation. I didn’t like it but this one is a cultural thing.

As for saying something positive first, no that’s weird however the Spanish way of asking for things eg in a bar or restaurant is different and much more direct if that’s his issue but not rude.

Presumably his cultural view is consistent hence he is constantly praising you for doing most of the housework. Surprised he has much time for anything else. Would he have more time if he did his full share of housework without putting you to the trouble of reminding you.

Presumably him not doing housework and telling you to praise him for emptying the bin is an example of this 'British sense of humour' we hear about.

Tell him you thought he would feel patronised if you used a shit sandwich to remind him to empty the bins. The cultural difference is that he's a tosser.

I wonder how his friends who are British with British partners manage his friends not doing enough housework? Do their wives offer praise ... or just tell them the truth that they are lazy and deeply unattractive.

No to cultural yes to gaslighting

he sounds an idiot.

Have you tried 'Well in Spain OUR culture is that grown adults contribute fairly to the household and don't need a star chart and praise every time they manage a basic chore? Pity it hasn't caught on here...."

Ask him if that’s the same cultural differences as when the Brits in Spain refuse to learn the language and think shouting louder makes them understood.

It's bollocks.

Yup.

I do know that when my Spanish SIL joined moved to the UK, there were a few occasions when her directness caused minor issues- and she did much less pleasing and thank youing and excuse meing than we did. It was a bit of an issue for their children going to an English school too. But it didn't take 11 years for us to sort it out-sounds as if he's being a bit of a dick.

😂

First reply nails it.

He is a fud. No thanks needed for taking bins out FFS. If he wants not to be complained at he should do his tasks, then he will be fine.

Interrupting - it happens. Not cultural at all. Unless it applies to many cultures!!

He's making excuses and he's not that into you.
Hear him!! Haven't read your full post!!

He's putting you in your place.

Just an observation - do people not show appreciation for what their partner does? Even for mundane things like putting the bins out? Cooking a meal? Little things? We certainly do. It's courtesy and that counts even after years of being together. Maybe that's one reason we're still happily together after over 50 years.

The issue started after we had our baby three years ago

This say it’s all really. Why did these so-called “cultural differences” only become an issue post baby?

The guy is showing his true and ugly colours now that you have a child and probably thinks you feel tied to him.

His comments are even bordering on offensive and he’s using triangulation by bringing in what his friends have allegedly
said.

After I have cooked DH and the DC will say thanks, that was nice but I have not and will not ever thank any member of my family for doing the basic things that daily life involves such as emptying bins etc.
Happily married for over 20 years

Abusive men often drop their mask when a woman becomes pregnant and has a baby.

He thinks you are stuck and cannot leave.

He's just another abusive prick.

Talk to you Women's aid and your family.