To think it’s rude for people to say ‘you look exhausted’

[Beeloux]

AIBU to find it really rude?

I’m one of those people who looks reasonable with makeup but without I look do look haggard and older than my age (27). I’m naturally very pale and have always had sunken eyes.

Today on the school run, one of the mothers commented how exhausted I look. I do tend to wear makeup but have recently been going makeup free. I sleep well and eat healthily.

I feel mortified after she said that and feel like I need to start wearing makeup again!

I actually also hate 'you look well.' That sometimes indicates (IMO and IME) that the person thinks you've put weight on. I have struggled with an eating disorder all my adult life - some months it's bad, some months I am OK, but as a young woman, it was bad.

I was a bit of a chubby teenager, and was bullied for it, and when I was about 18, I dropped to about 8 stone 3 (5 ft 3 -ish) from about 10 and a half stone, and I actually looked OK. (I dieted for about 4-5 months.) But a few people decided to tell me I looked 'gaunt' and 'ill.' 🙄 They were not used to seeing a slimmer me, and I think a few people didn't like it, and so they just HAD to make a negative comment!

Then I gained a stone after a couple of years of being 8 st 3, and a neighbour of my parents said 'oh you do look better now you've put some weight on and filled out a bit. Your face is nice and round now.'

Sent me right into the depths of an eating disorder. I stopped eating for a week, to try and lose weight quickly, as she had basically said 'you're getting fat.' (That's what I heard anyway.) Struggled for several years after that, and dropped to just over 7 stone and kept passing out, because of not eating properly.

My mum was actually furious with this neighbour for saying what she did, and told her so!

By my mid 20s, my health improved, and the eating disorder was a bit less severe and I went up to between 9 stone and 9 and a half stone, where I stayed for about 6-8 years. But I have struggled with an ongoing eating disorder since around the age of 20 now. In my mid 30s, my weight crept to around 10 and a half stone, and my weight has fluctuated between that weight and 14 and a half stone over the past 20-25 years. (I am currently about 12 stone.)

Every time I have gained weight, someone ALWAYS has to comment. Seriously, no wonder some people have eating disorders, when people make cunty comments about their fucking weight. If anyone who does this is reading this. KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. Like with 'you look tired!' commenting on someone's weight NEVER comes from a place of kindness and concern. It is always laced with spite and vitriol. Whether people admit this or realise it or not, it is NOT 'nice' and 'kind' or 'coming from a place of concern' to comment on someone's weight.

People need to keep their fucking opinions to themselves, and NOT comment on peoples appearance. And especially not their weight! I never do FFS!

I completely agree and actually, telling them they look bad (which is what it means) is hardly going to encourage them to feel any better, its likely to make them feel even worse so its disingenuous to pretend its just enquiring about their welfare out of some altruistic concern. Insulting someone on how they look is not the way to support them if they are going through a rough time!

Good for you. It's a subtle put down.

Maybe that's why she said it - 'you look how I feel' kind of thing. Very tactless of her. I bet you look pale and interesting, not exhausted. Embrace the look! A bit of pale pearly lipstick and a touch of mascara, no foundation or blusher, and you'll look gorgeous.

I don't think it's rude. To me it feels like someone is being kind and noticing how bad things feel.

I think it's really rude. I used to work with a horrible teacher who took great delight in telling me I looked awful, in front of a full staff room. I have naturally pale skin and dark circles under my eyes - I can't help it.

Context is all. If it’s your best friend who is concerned because she knows you have come through a painful breakup I think it’s reasonable.

If it’s a colleague you hardly know and unsolicited because you’re not wearing makeup then yes it’s dickish.

Surely it means that someone cares about you? If they say they think you look exhausted, surely they're just showing their concern?

If it bothers you, just tell them it's your natural look and they don't need to worry.

Yes, that's true, but since they never wear make up, there's never difference in their face.

I would say it to someone I genuinely care for

If one of my friends were to say I looked exhausted, I’d take it purely as showing concern. Similarly if they were to comment on my weight