To think it’s rude for people to say ‘you look exhausted’

[Beeloux]

AIBU to find it really rude?

I’m one of those people who looks reasonable with makeup but without I look do look haggard and older than my age (27). I’m naturally very pale and have always had sunken eyes.

Today on the school run, one of the mothers commented how exhausted I look. I do tend to wear makeup but have recently been going makeup free. I sleep well and eat healthily.

I feel mortified after she said that and feel like I need to start wearing makeup again!

I agree that's it's rude too. Why tell someone that they don't look good? If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing.

My sister in law used to often greet me with 'a you look SO tired' - it annoyed me for ages and I finally started responding with comments like ' so do you..you look wrecked!' She stopped.

If someone means well by it then it should be rephrased...maybe a simple 'how are you?' If someone is feeling tired then being told they don't look good is unhelpful.

Like others, I would take it as an expression of mild concern/care. It's not as if she said " you look haggard today". That would be rude. Maybe the person hadn't been close enough or noticed your recent no makeup look before now, that's why they remarked on the difference. Forget it.

It's rude.

I don’t know. I met a friend in the supermarket the other day and she told me I looked really well.

I’ve been really unwell for around a month and I know I look shite, so how must’ve I looked before…?

I think I’d rather she’d have said I look exhausted because I do!

I got asked if I'd lost weight today. I said "haha, no, but thanks". She replied "I just meant in your face. You look haggard."

Thanks 👍

Haha, I do know what you mean because I try not to say it! But I don't mind it, myself! I know when I want to say it, it's in empathy. It's not a case of "fuck me, she looks a sight!" - it's a oh, I hope she's okay, she looks as fucked as I feel.

I always look tired. Genetics. Very large dark rings under my eyes which are there no matter the sleep or water. I quite like them these days, I refused to cover them with makeup for my wedding because I didn't look like me. My DH funnily has the same look! I don't mind people commenting. But I know other people don't, so I don't say it. But it genuinely is never a mean thing when I think it. Just an observation if they don't normally look like that, and I usually want to ask if I can help!

Also, looking tired to me doesn't mean. You don't look good. Like I said, DH always looks tired! I think he looks gorgeous. Tired and good, in my brain, aren't the same thing.

so do you..you look wrecked!'

^

My personal fave

If you look markedly more tired than you do usually surely she’s expressing concern? If someone I knew suddenly looked pale and drawn I’d worry about them.

Tell she does too. If she's not being a bitch, she won't mind.

I guarantee she will be extremely offended though.

It's a dumb thing to say. How are you is far less loaded.

I've had it said to me at work, out of concern. TBH, I appreciated that someone cared enough to notice and me tion it.

It's not rude it's just conversation and (unless she's some sort of horrible bitch) was probably said to strike up conversation while showing a bit of empathy or concern. She was probably expecting you to go "oh yes I've had an awful night up with the baby" or whatever and she could answer "oh yes it's so hard" etc etc etc.

Maybe she wants you to say it so she has someone to talk to about how hard things are!

My husband always says it when I've no make up on- I hate my badly eyes.
I usually wear make up every day.

Not an age thing, I'm not older and couldn't care less of someone said it and I've said it before and what goes thru my mind is concern like oh I wonder if there ok...either way get a grip such a joke in itself that nobody can open there mouth these days without constantly being criticized and scrutinized 🙄😕

You sound a joy. 😂

I noticed that when I was very unwell, because my autoimmune disease was not being controlled, I was frequently being told how well I looked. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had become very thin, which people always seem to think is good (it wasn’t) or if it was a way of boosting me because I was looking unwell. If I feel crap then being told I look tired or exhausted is a comment I interpret as sympathy.

I think it's ok if it's someone you're quite close to, and who genuinely cares about your wellbeing.

If I see a friend I've not seen for a while and they look worn out, I will say 'Are you ok? You look tired'.

It's not an insult, it's a way of reaching out.

I hate this, they might as well say 'god you look like shit'.

I worked with a woman who used to say it to me quite often. Sometimes she'd even add 'bless you'. I'd arrive to work and be told 'ah bless you, you look really tired'.

Often I was having a good day and didn't feel tired at all, I was well-rested and thought I looked ok!

I think it can be used as a lazy way to 'just make conversation'. I mean, 'How are you doing' is vague and you can read the response accordingly, 'you look tired' can be so misplaced - just a little effort could completely avoid putting your foot in it.
I remember one customer came in and told me I looked 'really tired and stressed, really rough', I had just got there, not long looked in the mirror, and actually looked ok and felt fine, felt a bit pissed off that his attempt to make conversation was that direct and brutal. I did tell him that I thought I looked ok, wasnt stressed and felt fine but it was good to know that I actually looked a lot worse than I thought I did. I think he got the point, after that his 'just making conversation was a little less personal, more vague and generally a bit more pleasant!

Just making conversation is fine but you still need to engage the brain and read your audience, it isn't an excuse to spout out lazy, ill thought out nonsense.

I love different cultural insights like this. Thanks for sharing!

Really rude coming from a mum on the school run.

It's OK if it's a friend/ someone close who is saying it with care.

Wow. Everyone is way too sensitive. I would take it that someone cares about me and is worried that I might not be ok/might need some time to spend on myself.

having said that though I do get offended when someone asks if I’ve lost weight since given that I’m slim but not skinny I’d take that to mean they thought I looked overweight previously.

It’s said in concern sometimes, as in you’re exhausted (are you ok, do you want to talk about it?)

People shouldn’t say it to anyone they don’t know well. Imagine saying that to be told they had a serious illness. That would be awful.

But as annoying and perhaps upsetting as it can be I don’t think it’s rude unless the person is being vindictive. Most people say it because they’re surprised and concerned or sympathetic. You can only tell which is which in the moment.