To think it’s rude for people to say ‘you look exhausted’

[Beeloux]

AIBU to find it really rude?

I’m one of those people who looks reasonable with makeup but without I look do look haggard and older than my age (27). I’m naturally very pale and have always had sunken eyes.

Today on the school run, one of the mothers commented how exhausted I look. I do tend to wear makeup but have recently been going makeup free. I sleep well and eat healthily.

I feel mortified after she said that and feel like I need to start wearing makeup again!

It's the comparing with your colleagues that makes it rude and something else. I had a colleague who commented how pale I looked with genuine concern. Nobody else noticed or if they did they didn't say anything. It clicked later along with other signs when I found out I was very anaemic.

Unless the person only wants to say you look like shit to be nasty then some of the responses are nasty. The person may actually care when you respond 'yes that's because I'm having a really hard time with c'. While one person might feel it's a dig another person might feel seen and cared for.

No.

Empathy is not expressed rudely.

If someone looks exhausted or ill you ask how they are and take their lead when they reply.

I also think this is very rude. I’m another who gets this comment when not wearing make up.

men never wear make up yet are not constantly told they look tired. There is an underlying sexism to it

I had a colleague who used to say this to me every single day. Whether I'd had one hours sleep and no make up or if I was fully rested with my make up done nicely. I often wondered what her motive was, I was the only one she said it to and I genuinely didn't always look tired. Wish I could turn back time and say 'thanks, you look exhausted too' every single time like a PP suggested!

It's not empathy. Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings. Telling someone they look tired when they're not is the opposite of empathy - it's misreading someone else's feelings.

Apart from that I agree people who do this don't seem to like it when it's said back to them, and don't - as far as I can tell - say it to men, probably because men aren't supposed to be decorative at all times

It's just rude to comment on someone's appearance, unless it's to pay a compliment.

I only say this to people I know well and if I can see they are tired. Nothing to do with looks, you can have makeup on and look exhausted. When someone says this to me I think it's nice because it means they take the time to notice..

I definitely wouldn’t say this to someone unless I was very close to them and genuinely wanted to talk to them about being burnt out.

I had a colleague who would (without fail) pass some kind of comment on my appearance every day; sometimes it was positive and sometimes it was negative (you look tired etc.). I was 27 and he was a 50 yo man so I’m hindsight it was appalling. At the time I laughed along for a while, then asked him to stop then ultimately lost my shit with him one morning when I presumably was so tired I couldn’t stand it any more.

I think it is very rude to comment negatively on someone’s appearance at all unless you are directly asked and even then I would be sensitive about the delivery.

The ‘exhausted’ comment is often linked to women who aren’t wearing make up and it’s got sexist undertones; we are all so used to seeing women wearing make up that it’s a shock to see natural faces, god forbid a woman isn’t bright eyed and wrinkle free!

I asked my husband if he ever gets told he looks tired and he said no! I do wonder is it commentary reserved for women.

I would say urgh I know, so do you actually. Every time.

I've only ever viewed this as people being concerned - and yes, it's definitely been said to my then-husband and men I've worked with, when they have been ill/exhausted. Maybe because of working in healthcare?

When I wore make-up all the time, I would always get "are you feeling ok?" if I didn't wear make-up. Now I rarely wear make-up except for work, and only people who know me through work ever say it. It's the difference in appearance, not anything intrinsically about your general appearance compared to anyone else (and this may be why men get it less).

So it doesn't bother me, I just laugh and explain I'm not wearing make-up.

I'm also pretty sure I've seen the opposite of this several times on MN - "I'm utterly exhausted and no-one ever notices or cares."

The opposite would be "I look exhausted and no one cares."

Agree it's also the commenting on someone's appearance in a negative way that makes it rude.

I'm probably also basing it on the fact that people I've known who say it tend to be passive aggressive/annoying/lacking in empathy in general.

They may not think it’s rude but it IS rude. When you say someone looks exhausted it translates as not looking great. Who wants to hear that? Especially from someone you barely know.

Yes it's fucking rude! People used to do this to me all the time when I worked on the till at sainsburys! I got really pissed off with it!

My MiL frequently says this to me. It's horrible and makes me feel self conscious and ugly.

If you are concerned about someone's welfare, ask them how they are doing. Absolutely no need to tell them they look bad as an opener.

YANBU it is annoying @Beeloux I don't get it much to be honest, but DH gets something similar quite often - especially in summer. People (often who he doesn't know - or barely knows,) tilt their head with faux concern and say 'ooh aren't you SO PALE?' Sometimes they say 'you look so tired and ILL!' And some people even say 'you need to get a tan!' He is Irish, and quite pale, but it's his fucking skin colour. He does not need to 'get a tan!' How disgusting to poke at someone's skin colour. There's a word for that!

People need to keep their nebs out of peoples faces and stop commenting on their appearance. It does not come from a place of concern. It's rude and intrusive. Why the fuck do these nosey and opinionated articles think people give a shit about their opinions?!

Seriously, these people need to open their mind(s) a little bit, and think of something else to say, if this is the only way they can 'make conversation!'

Totally agree. It’s basically another way of saying ‘you look crap’ disguised as concern.

Unless it’s followed up by some offer of actual help e.g. ‘you look tired, let me help you with your work today/make you a cup of tea/clean your house/look after your DC’ then it’s not actually concern at all just rude & insulting.

I like the response ‘so do you’ and will be using that in the future.

I think it depends a lot on context. There's a big difference between my friend saying "you look exhausted" (which i know means "are you ok? Can I help?") and some random acquaintance/stranger (where it probably means "you look like shit").

Intentions are important...

Yes, it is rude, its basically saying you look like shit.

A good response is "coffee is on you then?"

Maybe because women tend to be more empathetic? Every time I told a friend she looks exhausted it has been an opening for her to tell me about her problems at the moment. The same goes for me. I never wear makeup so if I look tired it's because I am and I appreciate a friend's concern about my wellbeing. Even beautiful people can look tired so I wouldn't take it as a critisicm of looks. Ofcourse if it would be a remark from someone I hardly knew I wouldn't like it because I would feel that person was either prying in my personal life or just being mean.

Of course it's rude, if someone was all dressed up to go to an event you wouldnt say it then as a compliment would you? it implies you look tired, pale and as if you have sleep deprivation.

If you're worried someone is ok why cant you just actually say that? - eg "how are you doing, -all ok?" using "you look exhausted" as a welfare concern is completely unnecessary and its focusing on their appearance rather than their mental health

Yes I hate it. 'You look tired' more than exhausted but same thing. So often I'm not tired at all but think that I must look old.

This. ^