Is it really easier as a single parent?

[Shoutforhelp]

I just can't do this anymore. I have 3 children 9, 6 and 2. I do every morning routine and bedtime. Two of the children are being very testing at the moment during both of these times. DH won't help as a) he says he does enough b) he can not discipline them without loosing his shit and c) I have caused the problem as I am too soft so have caused it to be difficult for him to manage them. I'm so drained emotionally and physically. The thought of Christmas and getting EVERYTHING ready by myself just fills me with dread.

Yes I know he is emotionally abusive and am taking steps to help myself but just cant get over that last hurdle of leaving. Wish I didn't have to have him in my life at all anymore.

It's certainly a lot easier when you're not dealing with a shit partner. At least you know where you stand and there's no arguing about who does what.

Yes

I chose to be a single parent when I was heavily pregnant and had a one year old. I spent many times crying on the floor thinking I couldn't do it BUT I did. It's tough but it's tough anyway when you've got a loser dragging you down. Might aswell cut the dead weight and be happy while toughening it out. I had no support but if you do, I can guarantee you'll kick yourself for not getting rid sooner.

I found it much easier managing two small children once their dad was gone. He never used to "help" with them ( was away for work most of the time anyway) but had strong opinions on why I shoukdn't be doing this or that. He was also a financial drain and financial controlling.
The biggest benefit to ditching him, though, was that the stress disappeared and I started to enjoy life with my children.

I left my husband when my DC were still babies, so very different, but for me it felt A LOT easier as soon as I left, as I stopped dreading each new day.
I suppose, because I've been a single parent the majority of their lives, I don't know any different. It has been very tough going at times - both DC have SEN/are ND - BUT I think it would have been far worse, had I stayed.

I find it easier. Also the things that are not easier, I feel less resentful about.

Some things are more difficult - splitting Christmas is at the front of my mind at the moment, but overall it's much better this way if being happily together isn't a possibility.

There are positives and negatives but it’s always better being a single parent than being with an abusive partner and being a parent to them too. I left my abuser when pregnant, I would say to ensure you have a good support network and gain access to any support you can get, charities, help in the community etc. If he is a narcissist he will take you to court, not for the children but as a means to control you. Ensure you are prepared and keep EVERYTHING as evidence. Also, don’t let him dictate your life and set boundaries. I was very soft when we broke up because he made me feel sorry for him - but it was all an act to get what he wanted.. don’t fall for it.

in all honesty, my kick to leave was opening up to my family and friends. Because I had kept it in all the abuse and never told anyone - I had no one to convince me to leave and what he was doing was wrong. As soon as I told people, it was like a pride thing that I couldn’t go back to the man that abused me- peopke wouldn’t accept him as my partner anymore so there was no point.

definitely open up to people, wether that being loved ones or therapy. Go to your gp and speak about how it’s affected you - they will keep it logged and direct you for support. Go to the police, either 101 or log online about helping you with leaving or getting him to leave etc.

you’ve got this - you’re stronger than you know.

The main thing for me is the lack of resentment.

Yes. It’s tough being responsible for EVERYTHING, but at least I know I am, and I can plan my own time and resources so I’m not constantly pissed off about someone else not doing it.

Definitely a positive for me. I actually get more free time than ever before, because their dad has the dc overnight at least once per week. As opposed to when we were still married, he'd do sweet FA to help out with either the house or kids, he'd either be at work or ignoring us to online game, go to watch football twice a week plus weekends, plus whatever his hobby/phase was at any given time. I had no hobbies or social life because he never, ever considered the fact he had a family and would just dip out whenever he wanted because I was default parent.

However I imagine if you are a single as in solo parent (where the NRP doesn't see their dc) it's a hell of a lot harder. I can't speak on that.

A huge benefit for me is the lack of chaos and mess now. I did everything for the kids, house and garden before, so it wasn't like I suddenly had to pick up extra chores. Me and the dc also aren't treading on eggshells around his moods so we are happier as a unit, and I'm far happier as I'm not constantly cleaning up after an overgrown petulant selfish manchild and feeling put upon. I just do stuff because I know I'm the adult, whereas before I was doing stuff and resenting it because there was another adult who refused to be a parent or equal participant.

It’s not easier being a single parent than a two parent family where each partner does their fair share (sorry for stating the obvious). It is much easier than being 2 parents where one is awful though. I massively prefer living as a single parent as I only have 3 children to organise and clean up after. My ex literally did nothing in terms of cleaning, admin, his mental load was zero. Now I also get a day off when the kids are with their dad which is great, before I didn’t get a minute.

Tbh I really really thought it would be easier but I left my husband for 9 weeks with two small children and fuck me it was hard (had no childcare for that period). I thought I did every bedtime and morning before I left but actually I was probably only doing 80-90% of them. I realised I missed the 10% of them I had off. Something was better than nothing!! And actually since I’ve been back he’s been so reflective of how few bedtimes he’s got left with the kids that’s he’s been doing more than ever!

so yeah I found being single really really hard and I wasn’t expecting it

Hell yeah!

Combining the comments of @Nc546888 and @PickledPony , I do miss my DH from time to time. He did more than 10%, picking up the slack for dentist appts and just being around a few afternoons per week when he was WFH. DD2 especially misses him. He'd be taking DD1 out for extra driving practice.

Best of all, he was GREAT around the house: it there was a leak or other mechanical fault he was totally on it. I miss being able to pass that all to him. He handled the bills and was obsessed with deals - I miss that too. His managing all that and more freed me to do lots of day-to-day things like food shopping and looking after the DDs.

When it's his turn to have the kids then he'd have to do 100% on those days, which would be more than whatever paltry amount he's doing now.

Lose the extra child, you don't need him

I've been a single parent since my second was born and I found it far easier no longer having to deal with a manipulative ExH

I raised my child on my own and never had anyone to share the emotional, financial or practical sides of parenting. It was lonely and exhausting but I never knew anything else.
Looking after small children/teenagers is very hard work, whether single or with someone.
OP, your husband says he does enough already? What does he do? Are you a SAHM? Very unfair that he says he will lose it/ you are too soft. That is emotional manipulation.
Are you able to talk to each other?
Can you talk about how you feel?
I know several friends who went through very rocky times in their relationships when the kids were younger but they have come out the other side with a better relationship in many ways.
I'm not suggesting that you put up with abuse but please try and talk to your husband.
So much to lose.
Plenty of people say how much easier it was when they became single parents and I understand that but that isn't the case for every relationship that is going through challenging times.
You sound exhausted OP, understandably so.
Please take care of yourself

No. Being a single parent is very hard! Try to get some structure and routine in place for the children and stick to it. meal times, reading times, outings, bath times and bedtime and timeouts. 4 kids on your own is no mean feat ! I did it ; so I should know!!

Thank u 4 sharing

It's depends how shit your partner is to be honest.

I've been lone parenting since DD15 was 1. And yes a lot more peaceful than having an abusive/manchild/useless/etc man around.

No one to have to deal with or negotiate with or argue with etc

BUT absolutely everything is on you.

Now if you have a decent co-parenting situation then you get time off etc so another benefit which lone parents like me don't have.

I'd take being a lone parent any day than having a crap partner.

Speaking from experience - being a single parent is much easier than parenting with a shit one, because not only are you doing everything on your own but you’ve also got all this resentment for the other person for them not playing their part and sharing duties etc.

Being a single parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, especially when my DD was really young, but now she’s a bit older and more independent - it’s much easier and actually enjoyable! X

It was easier for me too.
The transition was tough for the first weeks. Looking for a place, paying the deposit, moving (including furniture). That was tough.
Then we were in our own place, we settled and after two weeks, well I just noticed that we could do anything we wanted in peace. It was a breeze. No mental load and hollow sadness. Just think which fun thing we could do and do it!
Money was tight, but we managed.

Personally I have found it easier to do everything because I have to as no one else is there, than have to do everything because the other person who was there couldn't be bothered. Agree with PPs completely about the resentment. Mine were 5 and 4 months, now 9 and 4.

Personally I have found it easier to do everything because I have to as no one else is there, than have to do everything because the other person who was there couldn't be bothered. Agree with PPs completely about the resentment. Mine were 5 and 4 months, now 9 and 4.

Absolutely 100000% easier. If your ex does housework you may find there is more for you but then how much housework does he create? Same with cooking.

But the difference in atmosphere is energising! You have more energy to clear up and do mornings/evenings routine. I found it depressing having that male pressure to keep the house to his standards, thought I would be a bit more lax as I was able to when single but no I now love my home, feel comfortable here and so keeping on top of everything isn't the chore it used to be. I can also enforce the kids clear up after themselves without the backlash that ex undermines that with his lazy selfish example.

The only thing I would say think through as a real negative is the finances. But factor in child maintenance when you consider this. My ex was financially abusive so I feel rich even though I'm poor. But if you rely on his money that may create a lot of stress adapting to life without.

Yes, it honestly is. You don't have the deadweight of a 'DH' to drag around. You will have your little team of 3, and you will make it work.