Is it really easier as a single parent?

[Shoutforhelp]

I just can't do this anymore. I have 3 children 9, 6 and 2. I do every morning routine and bedtime. Two of the children are being very testing at the moment during both of these times. DH won't help as a) he says he does enough b) he can not discipline them without loosing his shit and c) I have caused the problem as I am too soft so have caused it to be difficult for him to manage them. I'm so drained emotionally and physically. The thought of Christmas and getting EVERYTHING ready by myself just fills me with dread.

Yes I know he is emotionally abusive and am taking steps to help myself but just cant get over that last hurdle of leaving. Wish I didn't have to have him in my life at all anymore.

What is easier and best for the DCs are 2 parents who pull their weight.
However you are not in that type of relationship, so yes, it would be easier for you to separate and then you have one less man baby to care for.

This.

In answer to your question OP: yes (especially when your partner does nothing or very little). Mine found that they saw more of their dad once we were separated.

It's simpler emotionally but logistically it's more difficult. And financially it's a ballache.

It depends on the circumstances and factors such as whether you work, how many children you have etc. But in the majority of cases I think it is easier, yes.

If you have a genuine partnership with a person who respects you, supports you and is committed to playing his part in the family and the marriage, being married is easier.

I strongly suspect that that accounts for a very small proportion of marriages. In the vast majority of marriages I know of, even the supposedly "progressive" ones where the woman has her own career and the man prides himself on "doing his bit", the women are still doing the lion's share of the childcare, domestic work and admin (unless they are rich enough to be able to outsource everything). I don't see men bringing a great deal to the table other than money.

As others have said, the transition out of a marriage can be traumatic and difficult and will involve some financial hit. But I think in most cases the autonomy and control you get back, the ability to plan your life and freedom from the constant biting resentment of not having to do everything will be worth it.

I personally found being a single parent a million times easier than being married to someone who did sweet FA other than cooking, who went to the pub after work every night and refused to get out of bed at weekends and who gave me minimal financial support. I was working with a reasonably good salary and I had one kid so it was almost a no brainer. If I'd had four kids and lived on benefits it would have been harder.

I still think though, nine times out of ten if you've got to the point of feeling really resentful you're better off on your own.

I found the workload more but overall I was happier once things settled. My ex wasn’t abusive, and did “help” with house and kids but nowhere near half. He has them every other weekend now.

Reading what you’ve written in your position I would book a third day of childcare and try and move your self employed work into that and stop working in the evening. I know that it will be more expensive but it’ll help bedtime be less stressful if you aren’t rushed, and it’ll set you up in a position that you can take on some more work in the future once you leave ex.

Easier and happier, IME.

If you do want to give your relationship one last try you could try start with giving your partner one or two specific jobs ( he sounds like he still has some growing up to do and is getting overwhelmed and is giving up, is it because he doesn't want to put in the effort or is getting overwhelmed and keeps giving up, I don't know). Then you could praise and show appreciation for the jobs he does. It might make him feel like doing more, gradually give him more jobs then over time. I know it's his responsibility too but some men seem to.need a bit of encouragement and guidance. Being a single parent is tough, I did it with 1 so I'd imagine 3 is harder. That said it depends on the guy you are dealing with. It was the right decision for me to leave.

@LimeQuoter

Then you could praise and show appreciation for the jobs he does. It might make him feel like doing more, gradually give him more jobs then over time. I know it's his responsibility too but some men seem to.need a bit of encouragement and guidance.

I'm sorry but why should they have "appreciation", "encouragement" and "guidance" for doing the absolute bare minimum in the management of their own homes and the care of their own children. They aren't children.

I know you're trying to help but this sort of attitude is exactly why so many of them feel like they can get away with doing nothing. Its learned incompetence and we shouldn't be doubling down on this by saying: "Well done! You emptied the dishwasher/changed a nappy/arranged childcare. What a big brave soldier you are!!

We've had over 40 years of it being clearly understood that this behaviour is not acceptable. Why the fuck are we still indulging it?

I don't find it easier, but I am 100% happier. It's absolutely a lot when you only have yourself to rely on, but you also don't have to please anyone else and you aren't tiptoeing around. My stress levels are lower even though I have to do more.
It is absolutely worth it.

This! I’m so much less stressed now, which is better for me and the children.

I'd agree with this actually. It's not easier in that you have more to do and less rest time: there's no one to give you a lie in on a Sunday morning or to take the bins out and you have cook all the meals and arrange all the bills and fix the childminder all the time etc. So technically its "harder" but you feel so much freer without the constant nagging feeling of "ugh, I know he won't have done x so I will have to do it."

In most marriages women are doing all of this anyway. Money aside (and maybe sex if you haven't gone on it) what is the point of them?

My heart goes out to you OP
You have some very difficult decisions to make.

Yes then I think you’ll be happier and your life will be better, take action x

Apart from taking the bins out and cooking once a week I do it all that anyway! I dream of having a lie in every once in a while but apparently he needs his me time late at night or is hungover so has to lie in every day!

I think we have been through this stage. The problem is when I have asked him to do something for me. E.g. pick the kids up from school once in a blue moon (max once month) - the guilt he makes me feel for asking for his help is ridiculous. Even when he can see I am struggling he huffs and puffs and throws a hissy fit. Even though he doesn't even have anything to do in the afternoons. It's so much easier just to get stuff done myself and then I don't have a headache from listening to him.

@Shoutforhelp

The problem is when I have asked him to do something for me. E.g. pick the kids up from school once in a blue moon (max once month) - the guilt he makes me feel for asking for his help is ridiculous. Even when he can see I am struggling he huffs and puffs and throws a hissy fit.

This is really outrageous. As is your post about refusing to let you have a lie-in because he wants to stay up and drink. Read that back to yourself and let it sink in. He makes you feel guilty and throws a "hissy fit" because you occasionally ask him, perfectly reasonably, to collect HIS OWN CHILDREN from school?

I left a man who behaved like this. What on earth is he bringing to your life? He provides so little support that you don't notice whether he's there or not. He's sulky and resentful if you ask him to step up. You might be alive for many decades. Don't burden yourself with someone who creates work and resentment.

That's ridiculous. It's like he sees it as your job, not his. Could you try talk to him again when things are calm and make him realise exactly how it.makes you feel and that things have to change or else you will walk (if hes anyway abusive, do this with caution). If you're doing most stuff with the kids yourself anyway, then it mightnt be much difference being a single parent. Some men are pure asses. I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex was an ass too, it was hard for a few years, I won't lie but my mental health was so much better

More peaceful and easier in the sense that the house was not filled with tension, and I knew it was all on me so I just got on with it. I imagine if you have a partner that shares the load then single parenting is a lot harder, but I never had that so it was easier in some ways.

it is hard - if they don’t help when you are together don’t expect them to help when you are split. My ex barely has her, and barely contributes. So in that sense it can be a hard slog, but honestly, it’s been worth doing it solo rather than putting up having to live in the environment I did.

I completely agree with you. Women are putting up with it too much. I hear it from married friends. I've been a single mum for years and I don't want to get into another relationship because of it. Way happier single. Progress has been made on women's rights but a lot more needs to be done

Not easier on your own if you have to work to support yourself and your children pretty much by yourself and do most of the parenting, house maintenance, domestic tasks, gardening and entertaining the children co-ordinating and getting them to their activities which will increase in the next few years or have to deal with preteen/teen sassiness or angst on your own and deal with the emotional fallout of the breakup from the children's perspective.
At least if you live together you get his financial contribution and an inbuilt babysitter even if he does nothing else.
Also consider if you divorce you will get times where you don't have your children and when they are young this can be very hard although some people don't seem to mind it, but for me it was horrendous. Mine also take awhile to settle between the houses, so are more boisterous when they initially come back and when they anticipate going.
Just because you divorce doesn't mean that you won't end up doing everything for your children anyway, but there will be one less man baby around to look after and take up your breathing space.
No one can tell you when enough is enough, but equally no one can tell you if it is going to be easier on your own.
I think I would pretty much refuse to do anything for him and see how he reacts.

Sounds like you’re already doing everything so how much harder could it get?

Being a single parent is easier than being with a useless or abusive partner, UNLESS the other parent is involved and making your life hell/not sticking to arrangements/being abusive or difficult when it comes to CMS, custody, etc. Obviously being with a good partner would be the best.