Is it really easier as a single parent?

[Shoutforhelp]

I just can't do this anymore. I have 3 children 9, 6 and 2. I do every morning routine and bedtime. Two of the children are being very testing at the moment during both of these times. DH won't help as a) he says he does enough b) he can not discipline them without loosing his shit and c) I have caused the problem as I am too soft so have caused it to be difficult for him to manage them. I'm so drained emotionally and physically. The thought of Christmas and getting EVERYTHING ready by myself just fills me with dread.

Yes I know he is emotionally abusive and am taking steps to help myself but just cant get over that last hurdle of leaving. Wish I didn't have to have him in my life at all anymore.

I’ve a 17 year old now and I’ve been a single parent since she was 6. We don’t see her Dad at all.
Tons easier as all the stress related to him disappeared. It’s knackering physically and mentally and financially hard (I get no maintenance) but it’s not miserable in the way that it is being in an abusive marriage.

And when they are 17 and doing well and are completely wonderful - you know it’s all you.

DD told me last night I’d been a role model for why you don’t NEED a partner. She’s been with her partner for 2 years but she gets that it’s also ok to be alone. I’m really proud of that.

Oh god yes. I waited too long, until kids were teens, and it's been so much easier ever since I left. They don't see their dad att all so they have been with me full time but now they are about to fly the nest (one has already) and I'll miss them and the life we had together, especially these last few years.

@Countrylife2002 that last paragraph is particularly wonderful to read. Being able to demonstrate how a life can be fulfilling without a man is super important for young women to see.

It's calmer in my experience. I'm calmer.

I have 4 DCs, they are all young adults now - split up about 10 years ago.

It's been pretty hard at times but would have been worse carrying around the resentment for XH who hid behind his job most of the time. Splitting up was the best thing for me as an individual, and for us as family.

I did all the heavy-lifting then, and continue to. Nothing really changed for me. It just got easier, but then I haven't had to co-parent or navigate any arrangements.

A driver for me leaving was I didn't want to subject my DCs to our relationship. I didn't want them to grow up thinking it was normal.

They have one parent who meets their needs, supports them and who they can rely on. And one who flits around on the periphery of their lives. And I'm fine with that.

Lovely post, and I agree 💯

Yes if your partner is shit. No if they’re not.

Yours sounds shit.

i regret leaving my loyal, stable and financially secure ex husband. However we had grown apart in a big way. We hadn’t been intimate in years, we had no common ground other than the children. He focused on work and the bills, I looked after the kids, house, building projects, social lives etc. i did volunteer work and paid casual work so I could accommodate his work pattern. I was very, very lonely. I ended up leaving, met someone and despite him promising me the world, he bailed after several years when reality dawned and now I’m a single mum of two living in an expensive area on a low income. I may be better off emotionally, but I am far, far worse off financially. Which has a negative emotional impact on me and subsequently the kids. The children are worse off emotionally as they don’t live with their dad who they love very much despite seeing him every week and I am gutted to find myself in this position worrying about the future and how to make this work.

Yes. I found it easier, though only with one kid.

It's freeing knowing that, although you have to do everything, you won't have someone moaning at you for not doing things properly who could have done the thing themselves. There's so much stress and worry that isn't there when you no longer have to worry about an argument kicking off.

Doesn't sound like you'd be losing any help just losing the stress and resentment...

He vacuums the living room once a day, empties the dishwasher once/twice a week, tidied the kitchen once/twice a week and cooks once a week. All whilst moaning about having to do so.

I can not talk to him as he turns everything back on being my fault. I have tried to talk about my feelings but he says it's all my fault how I am feeling.

I work part time around the kids so often work evenings (at home) after I have got them into bed (he despises me working in the evenings). He is supposed to work full time but finishes early everyday as he has no work. Then does as he wishes, netflix, gaming, utube.

I make up the shortfall in our bank account too as he will not pay more when extras e.g. holidays and gifts are required.

Thank you for this. I have definitely opened up to people. I just feel like I am in a rut and repeating myself but cant seem to leave. I am in therapy and have a support group so hoping this helps. I just have no motivation or energy ATM. Yet still he keeps asking me to do more.

He is definitely a narcissist from what I've read about them. I worry so much about how he will be if I leave and also the children. I don't like going out now as he says if they misbehave and I am not there he will sort it out his way and they won't have me there to protect them.

Can I ask what evidence you kept? I have a log of everything but think they'll just say it's my word against his. I have been in contact with a solicitor as he has said he will not let me have the children so I was very worried. He's only managed to look after all 3 together for a few hours twice in their whole lives so I'm not sure what court he thinks would give him full custody!

I left when they were 6, 4 and 0 and it is very hard, but easier than being with him. One of the things I enjoy most is Christmas and birthdays where it's just a calm celebration with none of his shit.

I find it significantly easier.

Don't get me wrong, having an actual loving and equal parter to share the load would be easier, but I didn't have that, I had all of the work and constant criticism, walking on egg shells, living in fear etc.

Now I just have all the work, but a loving and peaceful home in which to do it.

So it's still hard at times (and financially much harder but doable) but so so much less stressful.

And when I've had a really crappy day, if I want to, I can order a takeaway for myself without anyone being horrible about it.

We do have a routine. It's been the same since they were born. But the two youngest are really acting out ATM. And it's only me here to try and get them ready for school/bed etc. I'm just so drained and don't know what to do. Middle used to fall asleep in her bed by herself, now will only sleep in my bed with me next to her. Youngest just calls my name for an hour before finally falling asleep. If DH on the odd occasion steps in they just scream at him and get hysterical.

Gosh yes they ruin special occasions don't they 😭

I wish I had found someone like that. Find myself being jealous of friends I know in a loving relationships and watching how they tag team parenting.

And yes it's the constant criticism that sought me to ask for help. The no support and also putting you down at every opportunity is such a shitty thing to do.

It’s often better but no definitely not easier being single rather than having another supportive parent.

Thank you. My question wasn't worded the best! I just mean is it easier without a really unhelpful, unsupportive and frankly abusive partner? I've heard it is but wanted to hear people's experiences (basically to spur me onto take some action!).

DD and I often feel a sense of relief when we have a mini-disaster and resolve it. Eg something stupid like the other night we went to the theatre and couldn’t find the car afterwards as it was a new area with multiple car parks. It was absolutely awful but when we did eventually get in the car we both said how awful that would have been with her Dad - all the blaming hysteria and saying it had ruined the entire evening. We just took it as well that was shit but the show was still great - and moved on. We work together to solve issues. Another one is the car broke down the other day and I panicked - DD stayed completely calm and started problem solving , which meant I calmed down and sorted it. With my ex that would have been such a DRAMA.

these are the ways life is infinitely easier

Firstly @Shoutforhelp my partner is brilliant and always has been. However, he was never available for the dc or anything domestic whatsoever. He was a workaholic rather than an arse though and not abusive in any way. We had a year when the DC were about 11 and 14 when he was in the US pretty constantly, coming home for a long weekend once a fortnight. It was much easier with him away. There was one less to look after.

Secondly, my parents separated when I was 12. It was the worst possible time, as hormones hit and I had just changed schools. Please leave him ASAP as your eldest is 9. My parents shoukd have separated much earlier. There was no abuse, they just disliked each other and I lived with the constant snark. I'm 64 now. I still look back and think good grief. Please don't delay this. It won't help your children.

Good luck.

Well it depends.

I find MN puts a lot of emphasis on men pulling their weight around the home and making a very big deal if things like the admin load and sorting out school stuff.

But you don't say if you work or not or what your DH does for a living. And without that information we can't make a judgment. Apologies if you've added the info somewhere and I've missed it.

If you are married to a high earner who works long hours or someone who works FT/shifts in a stressful job and you yourself don't work then it's a different then if you both work FT and your DH doesn't pull his weight at all at home.

But in answer to your question being a single parent is generally not easier as everything is on you including all the finances.

It's tough but I'm lucky in that I have a decent professional salary so when ex didn't pay CMS it wasn’t a problem. As others here have said there's also the advantage that, unlike my friends, I didn’t feel bitter because there was no one else who was supposed to do anything. If you're in an abusive situation then absolutely get out because it's so much better for you and your kids.

I have been thinking about the age of my oldest alot so thank you for saying this...i think it will effect them the most and worry as they are older

Thank you for this.

He is a below average wage earner in a admin type role wfh who is supposed to work FT but finishes at 12 at the latest every day (as he has no work) then netflix, gaming, utube. Anything he wishes.

I am PT self-employed and extremely busy. I have childcare 2.5 days a week (school hours) and then make up my hours by working in the evenings once the kids are in bed, which is so tiring.

It's the constant moaning and sense of injustice he voices the one time a week he empties the dishwasher etc that really grates and the constant criticism that I am not doing enough and listing what needs doing. When I am trying to fit my work in around doing everything for the kids and he has a lie in every day and spends half the day chillin.

@Shoutforhelp whatever you decide, I suggest getting those ducks in a row anyway.

We stayed in the family home, which made life a lot easier as it kept disruption to a minimum. Truth is, nothing really changed (apart from the atmosphere) one he moved out.

But I really, really would recommend starting on the logistics. Before you make the decision.