To want to ditch a few long term friends?

[YourAmplePlumPoster]

I have 4 long term friends whom I find completely draining. Their common trait is that they are all "singletons" who are totally focused on themselves and their problems which aren't that serious compared to mine. The other common trait is that they regard themselves as victims and demand sympathy. They seem to want me to feel guilty. I have two sons one of whom is mentally ill and the other in rehab due to alcoholism and my husband has health problems. Just can't take it anymore. Why do these single people who don't have to look after anyone think they're victims? Does anyone know?

Single people are allowed to have problems too, you know.

Bloody hell you have a lot going on. Definitely put them on a break and see how you feel in 6 months. Do you have other friends for actual support?

Tbf, you don't exactly sound a barrel of laughs yourself. You should probably just let them go so you can focus on your own problems that are so much worse than theirs. You'd be doing them a favour.

Are your sons single? If they are, does that mean they don’t experience mental illness or addiction as problems?

It sounds like your life is really hard right now - definitely step back from other things that are draining for a while.

Erm they might actually feel the same way about you op, friendship is about give and take, caring about each other's difficulties rather than competing over who has the most "serious" problems.

I'm sorry your life is hard, that all sounds genuinely very difficult but it doesn't mean your friends can't also have issues that absorb them.

Yes maybe break all around would be best, create a bit of distance and time for reflection and see if you end up thinking that a friendship is worth saving.

they are all "singletons" who are totally focused on themselves and their problems which aren't that serious compared to mine.

It sounds more like you're annoyed that you are not their focus.

Best to call time on the friendship.

What @crazyunicornlady73 said.

I never really get the expression I read on MN of 'ditching friends'.
I can understand making less effort / seeing people less often, but what does it have to be so final / drastic? Presumably there is a reason you have been friends with them so long ?

Wow. So much here to unpick. If you and your friends dont have anything in common, of course you can take a step back from your relationship - things change over time and not everything lasts. And you dont have to be around people who are draining. Especially when there are lots of demands on your resources. BUT it sounds like you are comparing your problems to theirs and dismissing theirs as less than yours (and makes you seem like you want to victim role). And your sniffy assumption that being single is somehow less deserving than being married is really distasteful. Yes there are a lot more demands on your time being in a couple or family and it can mean you are supporting others as well as yourself. But being single means you have no back up - no one to help you with anything. Except your friends. For everyones sake, take a step back.

So yes, why do single people think they are 'victims' ? Because life can be much harder and more expensive for them.

We can't tell you why your friends think they're victims as we aren't in their heads and we don't know them personally. They aren't typical of single people as a demographic, you know.

YANBU for having too much horrible shit to deal with that some people’s problems seem ridiculous. I totally get that.

YABU to tar all single people with the same brush based on a few friends.

I would take some indefinite time out of being social with them. You might feel differently one day if things turn around but your lives are too different at the moment.

It sounds as though you have outgrown them. Your life has changed so radically and it sounds as though you're having a really really tough time and could do with some support, which they are not offering.

There is no need to cut them dead but just don't rely on them.

Ok you have a lot to deal with, but single people have problems as well, and often no one to share with. Your husband may be ill but at least you can talk to him

However if you are fed up of them then stop seeing them

Always best not to get into a competition with friends over who has it worst.

You should set them free... of your ridiculous standards. you obviously have some tough stuff going on which you need to focus on but it's not the 'my problems are worse than yours' Olympics and you certainly shouldn't be making sweeping statements about single people.

I am not saying it’s you. I know you have a lot on your plate. But you could potentially without realising be jealous of their “easier” looking lives, or maybe annoyed deep down that their inconveniences are minor to yours hence why you think they are acting “victim”.

Maybe you have so much going on, that you wish you could swap places for a moment - and it’s putting you off being around them!

I would say if you want to cut them off then do so, if they’re toxic for you, do so. But maybe having friends around is what you need right now.

I'm surprised you have friends to ditch.

I think you’re just in different life phases and don’t have much in common.

Go for it. Ditch them and don't look back.
You don't want obnoxious people in your life.

Not sure if your sons are in relationships but if they weren't would you call them victims because they are focussed on their own problems?

Their problems aren't as serious as mine..

Take a minute to think about what you just said.

You are clearly dealing with a lot. But your attitude to your friends is remarkably unpleasant. Single people are allowed to have problems too. It’s not their fault your immediate family takes so much out of you.

FGS, It's not the suffering olympics.

There’s nothing worse than spinsters who don’t know their place