To want to ditch a few long term friends?

[YourAmplePlumPoster]

I have 4 long term friends whom I find completely draining. Their common trait is that they are all "singletons" who are totally focused on themselves and their problems which aren't that serious compared to mine. The other common trait is that they regard themselves as victims and demand sympathy. They seem to want me to feel guilty. I have two sons one of whom is mentally ill and the other in rehab due to alcoholism and my husband has health problems. Just can't take it anymore. Why do these single people who don't have to look after anyone think they're victims? Does anyone know?

Don't be so silly! Of course they do!!

That was in response to a previous poster stating that all problems are as important as the next. They are not. A flat tyre is not the same as a brain tumour!!

That was a separate point. Nothing go to do with single/married etc

Well thanks for that sockmate! In fact my window cleaner who's been cleaning my windows for 15 years and is a blokey kind of cockney everyone would hate on here has been very sympathetic and offering real support- "anything for you, darling. Just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it." Down to earth which i greatly appreciate.

I was evicted twice a while ago so I know what that feels like.

I'm sorry for your troubles OP. I hope things improve.

With your broadbrush comments about "singletons" and "blokey kind of cockney everyone would hate on here" I think you have a perception issue, and are perhaps making misjudgements based on your current stress.

Perhaps it's time to take a step back until you can be more objective and then consider whether to drop the friendships.

Wow. Aren't you a delight. Their problems are important to them, but you definitely need to drop them as you've probably made it very clear to them that you don't view them as actual equal friends.

Hopefully they have each other and nicer people in their lives.

Quite honestly I wouldn't blame OP if she didn't come back to this thread, but based on the information she has given I'm not surprised she's had enough of these people. OK, it would have been better not to stress the fact that they are single, but speaking as someone who's been through similar with selfish friends I have to say I get where she's coming from. It sounds like she's done a lot for them and received nothing back except added stress. It's very hurtful when people who are supposed to be friends do this.

OP, if you are still reading this, I'm sorry you've had so much to deal with. I'd be cutting these so-called friends loose and not letting the nasty responses on here get to you. I don't think some people have bothered to read all your posts in their haste to pour on the vitriol.

How long is your expectation that they should not tell you about their problems or what is happening in their lives when you have a problem? Because of your problems are ongoing issues, it is not really realistic to expect they will stop talking about themselves for good

@Hotflushesandchilblains has made a good point IMO.

personally to me It sounds more like OP is annoyed her problems aren’t the sole focus of their friendships.

Op, I’m wondering if your friends say the same thing about you? that you are too wrapped up in your family problems too be a good friend, and you’re a drain on their energy and they never get to talk about themselves properly to you because your issues always trump theirs?

Of course someone’s family should be their priority, but if you’re good friends with people they should be able to talk about their issues too at some point too . It has to be give and take. Although it sounds as from the examples you gave they haven’t timed things very well or sensitively so that is something you might want to raise with them.

However, I stopped talking about my issues with a friend for years thinking it was never the right time due to what she was going through. I did not realise how long the trauma phase was going to go on for, and eventually I became weary of it.

It felt too one sided, even though I perceived my problems as less important than her so was happy to take a back seat , every conversation being about her and her family for a period of years took its toll. She would ask about me then cut me off when I shared something!

And the funny thing is single people- both men and women - are most likely to end up on the street than say someone who has a partner and/or children.

The council will find some kind of housing for people with children. And as for someone who has a spouse - well they’ve got that in-built back up of another adult not just helping them - but being in partnership with them fighting for the same thing which a single person doesn’t have.

When I was single I had a few married/partnered friends both male and female trauma dump on me and I feel they must secretly have had the attitude that my life was carefree So I could just be their unpaid therapist.

I eventually pushed back and emphasised that being single also meant “I’m on my own”! They had a partner to sort things out with and go home and hug every day, but ultimately as a single woman living in a flatshare with strangers for most of my 20s ,I had to figure things out on my own and didn’t have that in built emotional and even financial support.

Some people went straight from uni to being married /living with a man or woman and they have no idea how it is to navigate adult life as a single person. And quite frankly some of them would really struggle to!

So no someone’s life isn’t more or less stressful necessarily because they’re single.

What I have done is say I can't respond to your emails or texts as I am very worried about my husband's health and tests about to take place in the hospital. Unsurprisingly, I've not heard from any of them. Just goes to show.

That’s a reasonable and honest reply to them.
If you don’t have the capacity to reply they should understand that.

My final word on this there’s obviously two sides to every story. Too many never want to take into account their friends/siblings problems and will use their own family issues as the reason which is fine - if they’re not also simultaneously demanding their friends to hold space for their problems.

Bottom line is while one friend may understandably lean on another friend more at certain points in the short term, overall friendships must be give and take to be sustainable.

One person can’t unilaterally declare that their problems will always take precedence. Key word being always.

My bottom line is family, friends above all else. I will take the shirt off my back for those folks. I will still do the same for these people if they start to be caring and decent again.

Just do exactly what you are doing. Focus on your family. Keep up casual contact and revisit it all when hopefully your home situation improves x