Page 2 | To want to ditch a few long term friends?

FoxCrumble · 28/11/2024 22:49

Maybe call time on this, you really don’t like them and, rightly or wrongly, are getting nothing from the friendship. I’d do them and yourself a favour and end it.

DazedAndConfused321 · 28/11/2024 23:11

It's not a race to the bottom. You're making yourself a victim by making your issues your personality.

BrianFromHullAndMyYoniSaysNoni · 29/11/2024 04:17

Reading the OP makes me feel I've stepped into a Bridget Jones time warp- Singletons vs Smug Marrieds.

TheBluntTurtle · 29/11/2024 04:29

Everyone has problems OP and they are just as important to them as your problems are to you. You shouldn’t dismiss or belittle their problems, and likewise they shouldn’t do the same to you. It sounds like there is a lack of empathy on both sides here, coupled with the fact that they are all bonded over their shared problem whereas you are the odd one out and feel excluded.
I think before you cut them out maybe consider if they have always been like this, or is it just recently as they are all single at the moment? Do you like these friend otherwise? Do the conversations always come back to being single just because all three of them currently are and it’s the main thing in their life at the mo, and they are being thoughtless rather than deliberately excluding you?
your life sounds really hard at the moment OP- I’m sorry you don’t have the support of friends or at least friends to have a good time with as a bit of respite 💐

daisychain01 · 29/11/2024 04:34

YourAmplePlumPoster · 28/11/2024 18:38

I have 4 long term friends whom I find completely draining. Their common trait is that they are all "singletons" who are totally focused on themselves and their problems which aren't that serious compared to mine. The other common trait is that they regard themselves as victims and demand sympathy. They seem to want me to feel guilty. I have two sons one of whom is mentally ill and the other in rehab due to alcoholism and my husband has health problems. Just can't take it anymore. Why do these single people who don't have to look after anyone think they're victims? Does anyone know?

There are plenty of selfish delusional people who are married/in relationship, so I dont agree it's only single people who are self-obsessed. Impossible to know what's going on in their minds but they don't get to demand sympathy if you don't have any to give.

you can drop anyone you don't want in your life for whatever reason, you don't need permission. Sounds like these so called friends are adding nothing, so distancing yourself sounds like the right thing to do - focus on your own family and don't look back.

daisychain01 · 29/11/2024 04:36

BrianFromHullAndMyYoniSaysNoni · 29/11/2024 04:17

Reading the OP makes me feel I've stepped into a Bridget Jones time warp- Singletons vs Smug Marrieds.

I don't suppose the OP feels like a "smug married" in their situation but yes the focus on single people being self-obsessed is a pretty lazy generalisation.

BrianFromHullAndMyYoniSaysNoni · 29/11/2024 04:39

That said, if you don't enjoy spending time with them, you're not BU to see less of them! Life's too short to spend with people you don't "gel" with.

hattie43 · 29/11/2024 05:58

Time to move on . They might be grateful .

Crushed23 · 29/11/2024 20:03

This thread reminds me of a great quote.

"Egotist: somebody insufficiently interested in me."

Original poster

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 19:34

Oh well. I wasn't going to add much to this but a few examples. When son was in hospital with everything broken after he jumped off the third floor to try and commit suicide, Friend A sends me an email saying she has had a very bad cold. Friend B keeps phoning up about a lovelorn relationship with a bloke who's basically not interested in her after I've told her I have severe PTSD after what happened to my son and am in treatment. Friend C phones up about how terrible his job is after I've told him my husband is getting treatment for serious health issues. Won't go into friend D who went on about his bad back. Would just like to add, I have been very generous to all of them over the years. They had full use of my holiday home free when I owned it and I've taken them for dinner and to exhibitions with my membership cards. Can't be bothered with any of them anymore.

OP posts:

Hotflushesandchilblains · 01/12/2024 21:36

OP some of this does seem awful, like someone complaining about a cold when you are at the hospital with your son. If she knew that was where you were and what had happened. But the rest of it? How long is your expectation that they should not tell you about their problems or what is happening in their lives when you have a problem? Because of your problems are ongoing issues, it is not really realistic to expect they will stop talking about themselves for good. I had a friend who had a minor problem at work while i was nursing a dying parent. Not in the same league of difficulty, but did not mean she shouldnt have told me about it. That said, sounds like you have made your decision, and I hope that works out well for you.

BonfireToffee · 01/12/2024 21:58

YourAmplePlumPoster · 28/11/2024 18:38

I have 4 long term friends whom I find completely draining. Their common trait is that they are all "singletons" who are totally focused on themselves and their problems which aren't that serious compared to mine. The other common trait is that they regard themselves as victims and demand sympathy. They seem to want me to feel guilty. I have two sons one of whom is mentally ill and the other in rehab due to alcoholism and my husband has health problems. Just can't take it anymore. Why do these single people who don't have to look after anyone think they're victims? Does anyone know?

The contempt you have for these single friends is dripping from your post — absolutely horrible.

JingleB · 01/12/2024 22:07

Bloody hell, OP - after that update I'm surprised you didn't wring Friend A's neck, never mind her damned cold.

(Unless they are totally unaware of all the terrible stuff you've been going through, in which case it's not their fault they didn't know)

I'm so very sorry for what you've been through and I hope youe son's mental health improves. It's heartbreaking, isn't it.

Original poster

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 22:09

Actually the same friend who wrote she had a bad cold was equally indifferent to another mutual friend who was dying of heart disease and went on about a bad toothache. I don't understand these people.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 22:10

Thanks JingleB.

OP posts:

Sockmate123 · 01/12/2024 22:15

Quietly quit them...step back very gradually...I've done this in a couple of scenarios. Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time x

greenbuckets · 01/12/2024 22:16

Hope you're OK OP, things sound tough. However, not sure you need to ditch four long-term friends. Could you talk to any of them, tell them how you feel? Or adjust your expectations/the amount you give, so things don't feel quite so unequal between you?
Like others, I'm not sure of the relevance of your friends being single, but can see your frustrations. From your examples, friend A does sound pretty cloth-eared, but could B, C and D (perhaps mistakenly) think you're sharing crappy experiences in the way that friends do? As opposed to realising that you have it a lot worse so they shouldn't be going on about their bad backs or whatever?

Original poster

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 22:29

Thanks very much for your good wishes. I will probably just take a step back. After many years of friendship you don't want to give up on people but it hurts to think they may not care as much about you as you do about them. I love my friends and family and I will do anything for them. I am loyal to my friends and family. They are very important to me. But I can't take this selfish behaviour. I have always tried to be generous and not selfish.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 22:32

I will bow out of this thread now. Don't want to read hurtful comments. Thanks for the positive contributions xx

OP posts:

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 06:24

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 22:29

Thanks very much for your good wishes. I will probably just take a step back. After many years of friendship you don't want to give up on people but it hurts to think they may not care as much about you as you do about them. I love my friends and family and I will do anything for them. I am loyal to my friends and family. They are very important to me. But I can't take this selfish behaviour. I have always tried to be generous and not selfish.

.

Dimpliy · 02/12/2024 06:24

YourAmplePlumPoster · 01/12/2024 19:34

Oh well. I wasn't going to add much to this but a few examples. When son was in hospital with everything broken after he jumped off the third floor to try and commit suicide, Friend A sends me an email saying she has had a very bad cold. Friend B keeps phoning up about a lovelorn relationship with a bloke who's basically not interested in her after I've told her I have severe PTSD after what happened to my son and am in treatment. Friend C phones up about how terrible his job is after I've told him my husband is getting treatment for serious health issues. Won't go into friend D who went on about his bad back. Would just like to add, I have been very generous to all of them over the years. They had full use of my holiday home free when I owned it and I've taken them for dinner and to exhibitions with my membership cards. Can't be bothered with any of them anymore.

Why not put this in your OP instead of talking about how singletons' common trait is that think they're victims? You'd have had more helpful responses.

malificent7 · 02/12/2024 06:26

You lost me at "singletons' tbh.

Sockmate123 · 02/12/2024 11:19

I think OP has been unfairly treated on this thread. I agree that plenty of married people/people in relationships can also be very selfish absorbed...my husband and sister being two such examples!!!
However as a general rule, single people are more that way, simply because they have to be as no one other than friends looking out for them...
I have lots of lovely single people in my life, one being my cousin who is very nice and kind but honestly she comes across as much younger...I would say that's because she hasn't had the responsibility of a partner, children, mortgage etc
On the point of all problems being valid...yes they are but come on....of course there all levels of problems!! a broken nail right before a big party is annoying, a headcold can make you miserable etc but facing eviction next week or a family member having a terminal illness.....they are on the other end of the scale.
It sounds like OP has been a good friend to them in the past...they don't seem to be offering her support. Of course they can moan about their own problems but AFTER listening to her and offering sympathy & support.

I hope things work out for you and your family OP. You are having a tough time. I hope you get to read this x

Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 11:23

Everyone has problems. Just because you don't deem theirs important enough for you to offer your friendship doesn't mean they aren't big problems to them

You have a lot going on but you are just offering 'whataboutary'

Should they not share their worries with their friends because you also have problems? Thats not how friendships work. Its a two way street

2024onwardsandup · 02/12/2024 12:12

Sockmate123 · 02/12/2024 11:19

I think OP has been unfairly treated on this thread. I agree that plenty of married people/people in relationships can also be very selfish absorbed...my husband and sister being two such examples!!!
However as a general rule, single people are more that way, simply because they have to be as no one other than friends looking out for them...
I have lots of lovely single people in my life, one being my cousin who is very nice and kind but honestly she comes across as much younger...I would say that's because she hasn't had the responsibility of a partner, children, mortgage etc
On the point of all problems being valid...yes they are but come on....of course there all levels of problems!! a broken nail right before a big party is annoying, a headcold can make you miserable etc but facing eviction next week or a family member having a terminal illness.....they are on the other end of the scale.
It sounds like OP has been a good friend to them in the past...they don't seem to be offering her support. Of course they can moan about their own problems but AFTER listening to her and offering sympathy & support.

I hope things work out for you and your family OP. You are having a tough time. I hope you get to read this x

Do you think that single people don’t have mortgages? Or face eviction?

The irony of your post is that itself a lack of emotional maturity, insight and an understanding of the complexities of people’s lives…