AIBU my partner goes on holiday with his mum

[HannahXlouise]

Hello,
am I being unreasonable thinking it’s strange my partner goes on holiday with his mum.
so for a little background my partner and myself have a 3M baby, whom was unplanned and neither my partner or his family took well to at the beginning. Now things has done a 360 and they have became extremely overbearing and intrusive. There have been many many discussions on boundaries as I would only see them once every few months before I got pregnant to (especially his mother) wanting to see me and baby a few times a week. There have also been many hurtful and nasty comments made to me and I feel my newborn bubble was absolutely ruined with stress caused by his mother and my partner not wanting to fall out with his mum so told me constantly I had to deal with things and not to disappoint his family. My boundaries were no visits late in the evening, and no kissing baby during flu season, also no hurtful comments (shouldn’t be a boundary anyway but it is)🤷🏼‍♀️
I feel like I’m not in a relationship with my partner but in a relationship with his mum too, anytime she calls up angry or crying that things haven’t gone her way or that she feels out of control, my partner runs after her and will leave me for half the day and the whole evening, when I could do with help getting baby down to instead see her and comfort her. I understand it’s his mother but I feel like I’m constantly not a priority and he doesn’t see me and our baby as his family. I am made to be the villain and bad guy if I try to get him to see things from my point of view.
Anyway he casually tells me when I asked him what we should get his mum for a birthday gift that he’s getting her something big this year, he’s taking her for a holiday, just themselves. At first I thought it was sweet and he’d be taking both his parents but when I found out it was just his mum I just thought it was odd. When I was pregnant he had a few separate weekends away with his pals and he would also go for many nights out as I thought he deserved a break. He doesn’t take me on holidays that I don’t contribute half too and is very tight with money so I was stunned he would do that. I also feel that he feels super guilty that his mum isn’t happy about boundaries and I am made to feel that it’s my fault that a few fall outs have happened when they have been about nasty comments being made 🤷🏼‍♀️ he also goes for dinner himself with her ect ect I just find it a bit strange.

Or I'm secure, competent and able to see that my partner has several aspects to his world. I prefer being that way than like you.

Yes, you're worried that your partner will see his mother of more of a sexual and romantic companion than you are. That's why you feel like he shouldn't need to spend "couple time" with his mum now you're around.

Oh come on, read round the post it’s not the holiday it’s what the holiday represents in terms of their relationship. Yes a lovely supportive relationship may not bat an eyelid at a week with a parent but this is not it. He pays for his mums holiday but not hers.

He hasn’t cut the apron strings. The holiday on its own though wouldn’t bother me. I think it’s just the final straw though in the bigger picture.

I have a feeling you weren't in a long term established relationship when you became pregnant. Is he young too?
It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it sounds like the apron strings were never cut. You should be his primary relationship, his equal, Your OP makes it sound like you and your DC are secondary to his DM.
Unless this changes (I doubt it will), I'd be making plans to go it alone but be aware that your DC could end up with her up to 50% of the time. Neither scenario is ideal.

The holiday is a red herring. Use the time they're both away to plan your exit from this unhappy relationship.

How old will the baby be when he goes away. It might not feel so daunting when baby is older?

I think the holiday is almost irrelevant. I do go on holiday with my three adult DC each year. I have a life limiting condition so I book a cottage away from busy lives to spend quality time together. The difference is the DW and partner of my two DSs come as well. I wouldn't dream of not inviting their partners.

Why are you with this man? You surely know you’re going to get comments along the lines of ‘leave him, he’s useless’ right? Nothing worse than a spineless mummy’s boy and his family sound weird!

Been there…and walked away…

The holiday on its own I wouldn’t see as a problem. The overall pattern of behaviour is poor. Your boundaries are more than reasonable. I think you’re right. He doesn’t see you as a family unit, probably because the pregnancy was unplanned and he wasn’t ready for it. That’s tough luck for him because baby is here so he has responsibilities whether he likes it or not. But that doesn’t mean he will go ‘all in’ with family life together.

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Nothing wrong with an adult son/daughter taking their parent on holiday now and then. 3 days after the baby was born would be unacceptable but 3 months is fine.

But in this case he obviously isnt balancing relationships in general. It's all about balance and prioritising at different times.

This is beautiful 🥹

Nothing wrong with going away when a baby is that age.

Are people really so incapable that they can't look after a 3 month old on their own?

The post asked if it’s weird for a man to go on holiday with his mum. That’s not weird and is normal. The rest of the relationship is odd and I’d say doomed.

It might not be weird for a man to go on holiday with his mother and exclude his father, partner and child. But it is weird to do that and not have a holiday at all with his immediate family - his partner and child.

You are pretty much a single parent which is probably deeply disappointing and daunting for you. Try to think of the positives of doing that properly. Your home will be your own and you won’t have to allow anyone in if you don’t want them there. He can step up and be the father he or more likely, his mother wants him to be. She will only see your child while she is in his care so you’ll never have to see her again. CMS will decide how much he must spend on raising his child even if that means less lads holidays and trips away with his mummy.

Ending the relationship with them will probably soon prove to be the beginning of a much happier life for you.

Him going away with his mum isn't the issue here, I don't see that as weird no.

Everything else is the issue though if he doesn't pull is weight, doesn't support your boundaries or ensure that he is contributing enough to the house etc.

I have been a lone parent since DD15 was 1 and I'll tell you life is a lot more peaceful and easy without this kind of shite in it.

You said the baby was unplanned. Sounds like you wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the baby and he's pulling away because he doesn't want to be with you.

Yes, he should have considered this before you got pregnant. But he didn't.

Going away with your family / friends / maintaining relationships outside your baby bubble / relationship is healthy and normal. I'd have no problems with my DH going away with friends / siblings.

I do think it's strange you were ok with him going away with his friends but not his Mum.

Throw this one back. But build a relationship with his Mum as she might actually be a help when you are a single parent.

As if you're actually obsessed with this 😂

Not particularly weird for him to go on hols with his mum- I’d love it if my DSs wanted to go on holiday with me when an adult! I holidayed with my dad for years

but yes in this case your DP is being unreasonable and frankly a pretty shit partner/dad

Mummies boys give me the absolute ick. She sounds like she's going to be a complete nightmare for the rest of her life tbh.

I find it really sad OP that this drama with your partner and his family must be affecting your pleasure in your new baby.
In fact they have caused problems for you ever since you knew you were pregnant.
I think it's quite obvious your partner doesn't see you as his primary relationship. He sees you as mother and carer for his child. I don't think that will change and you will continue to be hurt by his prioritising his relationship with his mother and his family. This planned holiday with her is just an example of that.
I think you should end the relationship and co parent with him.

Oh dear, this man is a total mummy's boy! He's an adult, so it's his fault, but really this is a result of his mother's selfish parenting and dependence on her son. My parents always told me that the most important job of a parent is teaching your children how to live without you. Some people don't do a very good job at that.

FWIW there's not a chance in hell my DH would be taking his mother away for a week holiday when our DC was 3 months, or otherwise. If we're using family money for a holiday, it's us that are going on that holiday. We might invite his mother (as we have done before as she is close to us) but I wouldn't be left at home managing without help so they can go off on their jollies, I'd think they were a right pair of jokers if they even suggested it! 😂

I hate this thing about mummy's boys and how women are so repulsed by them. I always hear people say they don't want sons because adult sons move away their families (emotionally) whereas a daughter will maintain strong bonds with her family. Yet if ever a man is close to his family (God forbid he's close to his mum) people sneer and deride him.
It's fine (good) that he's close to his mum. It's lovely that they're having a holiday. However, I agree that this particular man doesn't sound like a good partner to OP or a good father. This is a separate issue. A man can be a good and loyal husband and close to his mum. The two aren't mutually exclusive. My DH is a good example of someone who's a great husband and a great son to his mum.