AIBU my partner goes on holiday with his mum

[HannahXlouise]

Hello,
am I being unreasonable thinking it’s strange my partner goes on holiday with his mum.
so for a little background my partner and myself have a 3M baby, whom was unplanned and neither my partner or his family took well to at the beginning. Now things has done a 360 and they have became extremely overbearing and intrusive. There have been many many discussions on boundaries as I would only see them once every few months before I got pregnant to (especially his mother) wanting to see me and baby a few times a week. There have also been many hurtful and nasty comments made to me and I feel my newborn bubble was absolutely ruined with stress caused by his mother and my partner not wanting to fall out with his mum so told me constantly I had to deal with things and not to disappoint his family. My boundaries were no visits late in the evening, and no kissing baby during flu season, also no hurtful comments (shouldn’t be a boundary anyway but it is)🤷🏼‍♀️
I feel like I’m not in a relationship with my partner but in a relationship with his mum too, anytime she calls up angry or crying that things haven’t gone her way or that she feels out of control, my partner runs after her and will leave me for half the day and the whole evening, when I could do with help getting baby down to instead see her and comfort her. I understand it’s his mother but I feel like I’m constantly not a priority and he doesn’t see me and our baby as his family. I am made to be the villain and bad guy if I try to get him to see things from my point of view.
Anyway he casually tells me when I asked him what we should get his mum for a birthday gift that he’s getting her something big this year, he’s taking her for a holiday, just themselves. At first I thought it was sweet and he’d be taking both his parents but when I found out it was just his mum I just thought it was odd. When I was pregnant he had a few separate weekends away with his pals and he would also go for many nights out as I thought he deserved a break. He doesn’t take me on holidays that I don’t contribute half too and is very tight with money so I was stunned he would do that. I also feel that he feels super guilty that his mum isn’t happy about boundaries and I am made to feel that it’s my fault that a few fall outs have happened when they have been about nasty comments being made 🤷🏼‍♀️ he also goes for dinner himself with her ect ect I just find it a bit strange.

You don't know you feel that incapable until after the baby is here

Okay. What's that got to do with the OP. The baby is here. Is OP mentally unwell?

His mother is his family. In fact, she will always be family. A partner may not be. Maybe he should take the baby too.

We don't know.

I go on holiday with my adult son, so its weird, but I wouldn’t expect him to do that if he had a partner and new baby. If I wanted to go away with my younger son, i’d probably invite his long term girlfriend too. But I wouldn’t if they had a baby, definitely not. But its your partner doing the inviting, so its on him rather than the mother in law. I’d ask him when he’s taking you on holiday

@ByGentleFatball

It isn’t about coping (though you should stop shaming mothers who wouldn’t cope being left at 3 months because I guarantee the majority wouldn’t feel comfortable with it). It’s the fact that this man is still very much acting like he’s footloose and fancy free and can simply choose to negate his responsibilities of being a parent for a week, as the assumption is simply ‘oh the mother has the baby, I can do whatever’. It’s obvious this holiday was booked without consultation with the mother of HIS child. It’s yet another example you see over and over again on mumsnet when the baby arrives and the father acts like it’s an opt in/ opt out service. He should be an equal partner in this and it is blazingly obvious that he isn’t. On top of that, I would be so hurt if after 12 weeks my partner wanted a week away from me and my child. What man worth his salt WANTS to leave his partner and child for a week with all the worries and anxieties that come with a newborn, especially when it’s your first? I’m very happy at your having achieved such confidence in yourself so that this wouldn’t bother you, but it sure as hell would bother me, and I don’t think the OP is wrong at all to be upset by this. The hurt compounded even more by how difficult her partner’s family sound.

OP - I’m really sorry, this is a very difficult situation for you, and you are not wrong here.

I'd think she would say that she's mentally unstable and PND is a factor if it was one. It sounds like she believes that an adult man going away with his mum is weird in some sort of female rivalry for his affection.

I think this view is bizarre. Going away for a week doesn't mean you've abandoned your parental duties forever. And if you need support, call a friend or relative. It's a week or so. Not forever. God how would you cope if the other parent just left tomorrow, or died? I just haven't been raised to feel so dependent and helpless without a man around.

He will never change

I just don’t understand why women put themselves through that. You got pregnant, he didn’t want the baby, you are now complaining that you don’t have the relationship you want. Bet his mother wasn’t great before either, but you still went head first. This is your life now.

Nothing odd! Really! I think that's very odd. He's got a new baby a dp and mum's got a dh.
Nowt strange as folks though, 😁

Run run run, as fast as you can

It's creepy that you think a mother and son shouldn't need each other because they each have a romantic and sexual partner. For most of us, our parent and partners take up different slots in our lives. It sounds like for you, your partner replaced your parent(s) in that slot. No pun intended.

Him going on holiday with his mum isn’t that weird but there is a whole host of other shit here making this a terrible situation. It’s a massive red flag that he doesn’t stand up for you when his mother makes horrible comments, and that he abandons you to comfort her whenever she’s upset about a reasonable boundary you have set.

but don't you think @ByGentleFatball that you "develop standards by having guidelines and expectations" when you're in an intimate relationship, outwith your parental one?

No because your partner isn't your child... isn't that something I said about parenting children?

The idea that a partner somehow makes your relationship with your parent obsolete suggests that your parent-child relationship is akin to your romantic relationships. Your parent and partner are rivals for your sexual affection. That makes me feel sick

My boundaries were no visits late in the evening, and no kissing baby during flu season, also no hurtful comments (shouldn’t be a boundary anyway but it is)🤷🏼‍♀️

Are these boundaries followed or broken?
It’s not unusual for an adult to go away with their parent. He doesn’t sound much of a partner to you what is he like as a dad? His behaviour with his mum is unlikely to change so you have to either accept it ir make changes for yourself

Actually the situation here is that the partner is treating his mother as if she's his wife. That makes me feel sick.

Of course it's weird for OP's partner to pay to take his mother on holiday (just the two of them) when he wouldn't do the same for his partner and mother of his child. It's also disrespectful to not discuss it before hand.

People are just being contrary for the sake of it.

I agree @ByGentleFatball it is sick that a mummy would expect her adult son to leave her newborn grandchild to go on holiday with her.

The holiday sounds nice. My DH takes his mum away (just them) and u don't think it's odd. It's lovely.
Everything else you describe sounds bad though.

Sounds like he just did it fir her birthday. Is it just the mother you feel is a sexual rival, or sisters and grandmother's too?

Because he went on holiday with her? That makes someone your wife, does it?

This boy wasn’t ready to have a baby OP. Nor even to have a proper relationship. He sounds very young and immature, unable to cope as a partner or parent without his mum directing him. In this situation, where you are trying to make a go of your relationship with a new baby, YANBU to think it’s odd that he prefers to holiday with his mum rather than with you two. I would take it as an indication that your relationship isn’t his priority and he doesn’t really want it to be.

I think you might be happier and better able to bring up your child if there was a distance between the two of you, and you were concentrating on co-parenting rather than being together, otherwise you might have to be waiting a very long time for him to grow up. Living with a lot of disappointment and interference from his mum along the way will be a struggle.

Sad that you are tied to him and his overbearing mum but you have to do what’s best for you and your baby. You can’t force him to step up or grow up.
Maybe his mum will be a helpful grandmother in time.

It sounds like he doesn't like her enough to want to be away with her. He does like his mother enough to want to be away with her. That's all I'd take from it. Not a relationship I stay in, but his close relationship with his mother isn't the problem. It's the fact he doesn't seem to be very into the OP