Feeling too guilty about my ex husband

[Maria02]

Hi all.i will briefly explain my situation here.my ex husband has remanded at the custody for harassing and stalking me. He is remanded from 2 months ago and will stay until march which is a trial date.i have a little child. He had a close relationship with his father and he keeps asking his dad and wants to see him.i requested and asked social worker to arrange a video call for my son and ex partner. So still waiting for the response!but the thing is I feel so guilty!I want to give up on my case against him!I heard from some friends,he is not well and he is crying every day in the prison.i feel really sorry for him and want to do something.but i am also not sure am I doing a right thing to give up?!

Tell your friends to stop shitstirring.

Do you think someone who stalks and harasses people is a safe or healthy person for a child to have contact with? Do you really?

He’s clearly an awful dangerous man. Protect your child from him.

Oh, and he’s crying is it? Diddums. He shouldn’t have behaved so appallingly if he didn’t want to get banged up.

Well, you could theoretically drop your case against him. What will this achieve? He will be free and will continue stalking and harassing you. Were you jumping up and down with joy while he was doing it? I bet not. I bet "the friends" didn't go and report to him that you are crying every day due to his unlawful behaviour either.
And, often, it is only the matter of time before stalking turns into a femicide.

Your ex husband is responsible for his actions, and the consequences of those actions. You are not. Absolutely no need to feel guilty, or give up the case. Definitely safer for you and your child to let the case proceed.

👆 this

If you had a grown up daughter, and it was her partner, what would you tell her to do? There’s your answer.

I think it's quite sad your 'friends' have told you his is not well/crying. That's not on you, it's him

I think you have to stay strong and trust that this is the right thing at the moment for you and your son.
The courts don’t remand people lightly. Depriving someone of their liberty before trial means he has demonstrated he cannot be trusted in the community.
He may sound remorseful now but once he is released, chances are it won’t be long until he is harassing you both again.
I’m fairly sure the way you are feeling is pretty normal especially when it is an ex partner and there were once obviously feelings involved.
Do you have a phone number for the Victim Liason officer at the police station who could provide you some support?
If it’s a DV issue, even if you were to retract your statement the CPS could continue with the prosecution.
Hold steady, keep yourself and your son safe would be my advice.

Crying crocodile tears. Not your issue.
Your child is young he will survive just breezily say oh daddy cannot talk today let s go play with your toys or go to the park

If the police and courts have decided he was dangerous enough to need to be on remand while awaiting trial, I would not be encouraging or facilitating any contact between him and my child unless a court ordered me to (which they almost certainly wouldn't).

I work in the Criminal Justice System, there is very little room in prisons at the moment, they are only remanding people who they think are a serious risk to others. Please realise you owe this man nothing! He behaved as he did and is now facing the consequencea of that. You have nothing to feel guilty about! And stop talking to your "friends" who are making you feel bad. They are no friend to you or your child.

Please keep yourself and your child safe from this man. Have you applied for a non molestation order?

Don't feel guilty Op, he broke the law and you can't trust him. not near you or your DS. Of course he's unhappy in prison, hopefully he'll change for the better but for now you need to stay safe. Your DS misses him but that's your EXs fault, not yours

Your XH is facing the consequences of his own actions.
Stay firm. You are doing the right thing.
The fact that you care so much has been twisted against you and creating a cycle of push/ pull

It is unlikely to get better. You are doing your child a favour

So you are happy he starts stalking you again if you drop the charges( and not sure you can as the police have enough evidence to move matters forward anyway) Because he will.

You are happy he is a bad example to the child, because he is

You are happy to feel unsafe and worried 24/7 about what he will do next, because he will do something

As an adult he knows there are consequences to every action he takes. This is the consequence of an action he has chosen to take, and if he’s crying everyday in prison, then that’s his problem, not your

And I wouldn’t be letting him anywhere near my child ever again

Oh, I've been here! 'Mutual' friends telling me shit like this. Be clear - these are NOT your friends. Anyone who has contact with him is NOT a friend, they are a person who condones and endorses your abuse.

I, too, didn't understand how much danger I was in, because you become numb to it - it took me a good 6-8 months of No Contact for my brain and body to be regulated enough to understand what I had dealt with - and at that point I became TERRIFIED. So please know you are not understanding things clearly right now, and as someone above has mentioned, try to consider how you would feel if a sister or daughter was in this situation. What would you want for her?

This is a dangerous man. Keep your child away from him as much as you can. As soon as this child is able to understand speech, his father will start pouring poison in his ear about you. Not to mention how men like this know that the best revenge they can have on their exes is to hurt their child.

He isn't crying. He's having a great time in prison with other men just like him.

Leave the guilt where it belongs - with him. He is FINALLY getting some consequences for his actions. And your 'friends' are trying to interfere with a court-case witness. They don't care about you. Bin them.

I would be focussed on preventing my child having contact with this man. Not the other way around.

Given all the events in the news about what violent men do their ex or current partners who challenge them, I would be tempted to move far far away and change my identity. Easier said than done though of course.

He might be crying or not, but telling them he is is a way to manipulate you. Some people can also do the fake tears routine.

Get some new “friends” ..

seriously what kind of friends tell you things like this ?
The fact he’s being held at His Majesty’s Pleasure demonstrates the police don’t think he’s safe in society right now .
His tears aren’t real, he is only upset because he’s lost his freedom for now .
Please put you and your child’s safety first rather than some misguided guilt . If you drop the charges you can look forward to more harrassment and stalking .. or worse

He's crying tears of self-pity. Please don't be misled. Concentrate on making your child happy in other ways than contact with this awful man.

If he's being kept on remand until March, that suggests that he is a high risk to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about, he is reaping the consequences of his actions and feeling sorry for himself. He's not sorry for what he's done to you. Tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. Distance yourself from people who are looking to interfere and influence you. Get support from friends and family who will help you see this through. Can you speak to the police about victim support? Please be very careful about contact with your child - your ex will use this as a means to control and manipulate you.

He isn't crying because he's upset about what he's done to you though, is he!

He's crying because he's been caught, because he's now having a shit time, because he's now feeling hard done by, because he's now the 'victim'.

It's got fuck all to do with what he did to you, or what he did to the mother of his own child, so don't be a fool and be taken in by it!

They’re not your friends their his friends

So what if he’s in crying he’s in prison for committing a crime not on an all inclusive holiday

You put your big grown up pants on and protect your child!

You tell him daddy was not kind to mummy and is not around any more, then change the subject.

How old is this little child? Kids under 5 won't care that much! They move on very quickly.

For your son I think that a really nice, safe activity would be to make/draw something for daddy when he is feeling sad about missing him.

It gives him a healthy action to do to counteract his sadness, and doesn’t bring him into contact with his dad who is clearly dangerous.

Put anything which he draws or makes into a box somewhere which he won’t find and keep it safe for if he can one day resume some supervised contact with your ex.

It’s good that he’s crying. It shows he’s remorseful (hopefully) and has more chance to learn his lesson.