Feeling too guilty about my ex husband

[Maria02]

Hi all.i will briefly explain my situation here.my ex husband has remanded at the custody for harassing and stalking me. He is remanded from 2 months ago and will stay until march which is a trial date.i have a little child. He had a close relationship with his father and he keeps asking his dad and wants to see him.i requested and asked social worker to arrange a video call for my son and ex partner. So still waiting for the response!but the thing is I feel so guilty!I want to give up on my case against him!I heard from some friends,he is not well and he is crying every day in the prison.i feel really sorry for him and want to do something.but i am also not sure am I doing a right thing to give up?!

Of course he's crying. He's been called out for his behaviour. Don't lose any sleep over that.

If you go back to him now he'll make your life hell and will know all he has to do is cry and you'll drop it.

And drop those friends. They really aren't your friends

Perfect response

The tears are for himself not for the pain he has caused you.

Remember too there is absolutely no space in prison- filled to the rafters so if he's in prison it's for a damned good reason!

If you drop your case, he will do it all again, this is just what people like him are like.

@Maria02 I recommend you watch 24 hours in police custody on C4, the episode that screened of Monday this week. It was about a stalker who displayed some terrifying behaviour. After he was charged he was bailed and it was explained that only the most dangerous people in stalking and harassment cases are remanded in custody.

He went on to receive 3 years and 9 months in custody at trial.

Your ex must have been considered very dangerous indeed. Please don’t engage on any level.

You aren't to blame for this. HE stalked and harassed you. His choice. He wasn't worrying about your feelings whilst he was stalking you was he? Woman up!! He is getting exactly what he deserves and hopefully will learn a valuable lesson.

This.

Also to have been remanded for 2 months and 3 to go then his alleged actions have been serious.
The Police/social workers/prosecution in opposing bail must feel that you are likely to be at significant risk if he were out. Especially as prisons are so full.

Keep strong. All the best.

Oh and he still is harassing you via his friends not respecting the law or your safety

Witnessing domestic abuse between your parents is very damaging.

Could you use the next few months to work on your self esteem and raising your standards? The fact you're feeling guilty suggests that you don't understand the enormity of what's happened and how the relationship has impacted your son.

Time to invest in you and your sons future - ask your GP or social worker for counselling.

In the meantime, stop thinking about your waste of space ex, a loving, kind person doesn't harass or stalk their ex. That's not normal

May I also add, that if you back out of the case, your social worker may find you're being negligent to the needs of your child. They may find you aren't able to keep your child safe (as part of his safety is you being safe). And that if you aren't able to do that, then perhaps he's better elsewhere.

Don't go down that rabbit hole. Don't jeopardise your life with your son.

My niece is in care as my sister can't/won't let go of her abusive partner. Don't make the same mistake.

Your child needs protecting from this man. Stop the video idea - it will just give your ex more ammunition to use against you. You need to grow a spine and put you and your child first. The people who are telling you he is crying in prison - they are his messengers - he is manipulating them to manipulate you. Use this opportunity to make a new, safe life for you and your son before you become another statistic.

Your ex is crying for himself, he feels
Sorry for himself.

I doubt he has remorse for his behaviour and how intimidating and dangerous he was. I doubt he cares about the impact on his son.

He has to have the consequences of his actions.

Your friends aren't genuine. Ditch them. As in many of these cases, you're going to have to be your own cheerleader and advocate for yourself and your child, no matter what anyone else says. You've got to be strong op, otherwise it will never end.

Talk to your social worker about age appropriate ways to explain the situation to your dc.

Best of luck xx

I hope he’s crying as a result of reflecting on his behaviour and what he did to land him in prison but I suspect not.

Agree. They are not good friends. How do they know he’s crying every day? My bet is that’s what he’s said so it gets back to you! Manipulation!! Gaslighting! He’s on remand for a good reason presumably. Let the law do its thing.

He’s crying because he’s been thwarted probably, not out of guilt or concern for the two of you. it will be all ‘poor poor me’.

I’m making assumptions but I’d bet good money on it.

Move on. Don’t look back. He’s made his bed he needs to lie on it. You owe your child protection from toxic behaviour.

Absolutely this. The programme presents some very sobering and terrifying statistics.

"I heard from some friends,he is not well and he is crying every day in the prison" Tough shit for him - he may learn that there are consequences for his shitty actions.
Those 'friends' are not friends.

They don't put people in prison easily these days. I suspect there is more to this, perhaps he has history of other offences?

He broke the law and deserves punishment..

Op, you don't bare any guilt for the consequences of his behavior, he does. It's his fault that his relationship with his child is impacted. I'm sorry your in this situation.

I know someone who used to abuse his wife and kids. Then he'd get all whiney and threaten to kill himself. Of course it's just part of a woe is me routine. Even if it's not, that's just too bad for him.

I'm trying to understand a situation where a man is considered so dangerous that the courts/police insist on keeping him in custody and yet your "friends" think you should forgive him? What the actual F+++? I am sorry OP, but you actually need better friends.

If a friend told me that her ex had been stalking and harassing her to the point he was arrested and was in custody until March, I would be telling her how sorry I am she had to go through that and asking her if she finally feel safe.

Please don't drop the case against him. Because then he'll just learn that if he cries and whines enough, you'll forgive them.

Thank you for all your messages.i got a call from my friend today and she said my ex husband calling her husband from prison and he says such a bad things about me to my friends husband!!!I just can’t believe it!!he is calling my friends husband every day and the conversation take about 45 minutes every single day!

Tell your friend very clearly that you do not want to hear about your ex. Tell her that this is a matter for the professionals ie the police and the courts. They have decided he should be locked up for your safety. You are leaving it to them to manage and you do not want to hear any more about it. If she persists then cut her off.

This man could have killed you. Men kill their exes every week. WTF is she thinking.

Your job is to protect your son and to give him the best life that you can. That includes you being alive and keeping dangerous people away from him.

To be very direct before you make a really stupid mistake.

Get a grip. And get rid of your fake friends.