Feeling too guilty about my ex husband

[Maria02]

Hi all.i will briefly explain my situation here.my ex husband has remanded at the custody for harassing and stalking me. He is remanded from 2 months ago and will stay until march which is a trial date.i have a little child. He had a close relationship with his father and he keeps asking his dad and wants to see him.i requested and asked social worker to arrange a video call for my son and ex partner. So still waiting for the response!but the thing is I feel so guilty!I want to give up on my case against him!I heard from some friends,he is not well and he is crying every day in the prison.i feel really sorry for him and want to do something.but i am also not sure am I doing a right thing to give up?!

yes. He could kill me.he threatened me to have a sexual relationship with him otherwise he will pour acid on my face and my body.

So why would him having the weeps in prison make you consider for a second dropping the charges?

Holy heck! You would be mad to drop the charges. The social worker must be reeling in shock that you want your child to have any contact with his frankly dangerous father. Why on earth has this been requested? Ignore your friends, they should not be telling you anything about this ugly, horrible person.

These psychotic, dangerous men will lie regularly, etc in order to get people on their side or to hurt you. It's horrible, but be ready for it. Does he know your address op? I'm so sorry you're in this situation, he's so horrible.

Did he care about how stalking and harassing you made you feel? No thought not, because if he had he would of stopped in which case he wouldn't be in a cell.

45 minute phone call everyday to your friends husband? Unless it's his lawyer that's unlikely as call time is limited and I highly doubt he has that much to use as other in mates would be using the phone.

Yes. He knows where I do live!he arrested for trying to put the tracker under my car on my driveway middle of the night!that was his second attempt to put the tracker in my car to stalking me.

You need to tell all mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. I have no idea why you would feel any sort of guilt about someone who has threatened you in this way. He is a very dangerous man.

@Maria02 you have to stay strong. .
This man feels sorry for himself not for any of the hurt he has caused. He must have some sort of previous ? Or he’s just so dangerous that he can’t be allowed out untill sentencing or both .
Maybe it’s time to cut ties with your “friends”

What age is your child ?
Is it possible you move away and start a fresh ?

Make sure you have some support, even if it's here or any type of agency you can call if you need a perspective different from anyone in real life who might be enabling him. I would tell your friend in no uncertain terms that what he's telling her husband is a pack of lies.

@Maria02
A BIG HUG TO YOU - this is a terrifying and confusing situation and I am sure you have already been through a lot to be at this stage.

1. Feeling guilty can be common when you have been in a very toxic and abusive relationship where the other person has made you feel responsible for their behaviour time and time again. It can be very confusing as you get worn down. You have done the right thing to try and keep yourself and your son safe. HE chose to do illegal things, so he has made the choice and he has to feel the consequences - this is best for him, for you and for your son.
2. Logically, your ex is showing that he does not have your son;s best interests at heart. Stalking his mum and threatening to throw acid on you does not benefit your son and is not loving for your son. Therefore again, it is best for your son to not have contact with someone who does not have his or your best interests at heart.
3. Have you contacted Women's Aid? You are in a very vulnerable place because you have left him and he is having to face consequences for his behaviour and is blaming them on you (of course - this is what abusive people do). You may need to think about relocating, even if this feels unfair or inconvenient.

You are a survivor. You have done the right thing. Keep strong - trust your gut, not your guilt. xxxx 🌺 https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Setting the friends up to guilt trip you is just another harassment and control tactic.

Believe me, OP, our criminal justice system is over loaded. They do not lock people up on remand unless the threat and danger is serious and real. There are countless women out there begging for the safety you have while he is locked up.

In your shoes I would be looking at how practical it would be to move away and not share your new address. Because it is possible that when he is found guilty in March he will be freed very quickly because he has served a long time on remand, which is taken off the sentence. Hopefully there will be conditions about staying away from you.

Good luck, hold tight, stay strong. You are the best parent for your child.

OP watch the drama "Until I kill you"
It's based on a true crime story. Stalking always escalates and there are many examples of women being murdered by these men because the police didn't take it seriously or they were bailed.

Then tell your "friends" that you don't want hear anything about him.

He is dangerous, they would not be remanding him otherwise.

He put himself in jail not you. His actions caused this situation. Did he show remorse when stalking you? I understand you have a child together but this situation is of your exs making not yours.

I hope you’re ok OP?

I am thinking to relocate but it is a big decision as I am living in this city for years. I know relocating can be a good idea but I don’t have a family in this country and I don’t know how or where should I start!where should I move?I am living in Birmingham and was thinking of London but it’s not easy!

With respect, wise up.

He threatened to acid attack you. He is terrifying. You need to look into Dr Charlotte Proudman, get his parental rights over your child revoked (because he will use your child to get at you and stalk you and control you) and you need to move.

He is dangerous. He is a real threat to you. And there’s a very good reason he’s been remanded (which is so hard to get).

Don’t waste your time pitying him, focus on protecting yourself and your child.

Hi Maria,
I'm in a similar situation.
Is it ok to DM you?