To be worried about stains on my boyfriend’s sofa

[DemiSec9]

I spotted a v bright pink sticky stain (bubble gum colour and thick) on my bf’s sofa. I asked him about it and he said he had no idea what it was. He’s renting and the sofa doesn’t belong to him but I feel sure I would have noticed it if it’d been there from when he moved in?

He cleaned it off a few weeks ago but when I went back today, there’s a similar texture and shape black stain in exactly the same place! I’ll photograph this one, wish I had done the last one.

I’ve been seeing him for 6 months. We both have kids in their early 20s and are separated. We live in separate flats to each other. He has a history of cheating which he speaks openly about. I have never cheated but I have been cheated on many times and I’m beginning to worry.

This is the wisest woman on MN - nay, the whole of Beyoncé’s internet - today.

Cheating... stains... it doesn't sound great.

I'd knock him on the head. I wouldn't be with someone who told me he was a serial cheater. He's just telling you to be prepared for the inevitable.

There are good blokes out there and while you wait for one to pop out of the woodwork, be single for a while and work on yourself and raising your bar.

They've been using a non water-based lube by the sounds of it. Mr. Blobby looks oil-based

You think your partners cheating because there are stains on the sofa?!!!

You can't be with man who has you so paranoid that you're interrogating random stains on his sofa and posting on the internet about it. Stop.

Take what's left of your self respect and leave. You clearly have a very toxic and paranoid future ahead if you stay with him, regardless of if he's cheating or not. Don't do that to yourself.

Oh OP you could drive yourself mad with all this. It’s such early days, he has a history of prolific cheating and you are already taking photos of his furniture. Walk away now with sanity in tact!

That stain could be anything. Anything at all, and there is nothing about it that specifically suggests cheating.

When you are not there he probably sits in the same position, eating stuff, doing stuff with pens, fiddling with mending something that drips oil or WD40, tucking his foot up on the sofa and getting stains from his shoes on it. Maybe you put your own bag down on the sofa and something was stuck to the bottom. Maybe he comes in and puts his shopping or work bag there. Maybe a bat got in and shat on the sofa.

And because he openly, repeatedly cheats on women?

You don't need evidence OP.

The fact that you don't trust him and that you are looking for evidence is enough.

This man isn't for you.

He even boasts about cheating.

Perhaps you are not ready for a relationship at the moment.

It could be that you need to have more experience of trustworthy people before thinking seriously about one person again.

Throw this one back, straighten your shoulders and rebuild your self-respect. Whether he's cheating or not, this relationship is going nowhere, not with this level of mistrust.

I think it's wild to connect marks on your bfs sofa and him cheating!

I probably wouldn't even notice the stains and would never consider it to be a sign of someone cheating.

I agree with pps if you don't trust him, then he's not the man for you.

Have you actually read the OP? She says:

"He has a history of cheating which he speaks openly about."

It's not that big a leap, given the context.

What does he do for work ? Clean job or dirty job ?

He works as a writer and producer with a small but very successful company.

I had some huge conversations with him today. He knows he’s been an asshole in the past (there is reason relating to his ex - she also cheated, probably more prolifically). He seems to really want to change.

I can hear how it sounds, really I can. I might be the biggest idiot yet and I’ve been an idiot many times. I really like him though.

has anybody known a man who cheats to change?

In a nutshell!

In a word?

Deary me!

What's he doing to help himself or is it just what he is telling you?

It doesn’t matter what this stain is. You say he has a history of cheating, so he can’t be trusted anyway.

Choosing to date some man on the basis of 'I can fix him!' is just degrading yourself and signing up to be treated badly.

You should work on yourself and your standards so specimens like this aren't even on your radar. He's a liar and a cheat who openly says whatever women want to hear, so he can have sex. Don't fall for such a clear scam.

Of course I read the OPs post and am on their side! I just think that the stains are such a random thing to see and assume it means he is cheating.

If the OP is that worried about him cheating and automatically sees something so innocuous as a stain on the sofa and assume that's a cheating sign, then clearly there is a lot more going on. He doesn't sound like DP material to me!

It’s bizarre - I’m an intelligent mature woman, I’ve been a working single mum for most of my daughter’s life. But I keep getting caught up with cheating men. I know there’s no ‘saving’ them and if I was advising a friend I’d say everything you’re all saying here. But I get this blind spot where I keep wanting to believe the best?

I’m really cross with myself, embarrassed and also sad. Outside of the history of cheating, this guy is so nice - generous, loving, funny, it’s definitely not all about sex - we’re both a bit older now and spend most of our time together going for walks, cooking and watching movies.

but you can’t escape the past.

If you keep noticing this pattern it could be worth investing in some therapy to break the cycle and understand why this keeps happening. Without insight and knowledge, life repeats!

Sorry but this relationship isn't going to work. His history of cheating obviously unnerves you. If it's not a stain on the sofa, it will be something else soon.

That could literally be anything. I think the bigger issue is you don’t trust him and it looks like you’re looking for an issue

Next thing you know, you'll be analysing pubes on the toilet seat to see if they are the same shade as his... 🤣