To try & ask for some/more grandparent input

[TheOnlyHonestOne]

I think what I am looking for here is just some sisterly words of encouragement. I’m trying to work up the courage to ask for some more grandparent support. Our child is 3 1/2. He starts school in September next year. Grandparents live two hours away.

Before we had him MIL made a big song and dance about how wonderful it was to have a grandchild and she can’t wait to spend loads of time with him. Sadly, it’s panned out that they just have/see him 3 to 4 times a year on the weekend. It’s not for want of asking. They’re always ‘busy’, but when we ask father-in-law, he says they have nothing on.
I’m not resentful of this, but in my mind it was going to be more like once every six weeks.

my husband and I have full-time jobs & are really tired and could do with some more support. But also, whilst he is in private nursery and we just take him in and out as I like. So they want to see him on a Friday one of us pick him up and drives two hours round-trip to meet them halfway and our son stays overnight. Mother-in-law said more than once to me on a FaceTime call that Family is more than anything to her, and she loves to spend more time with him.

How do say to my mother-in-law you should make hay while the sunshines because when he’s at school in September I can’t just be getting him in and out of nursery to see you guys.

They’re both fit & have plenty of money.

Has anyone ever achieved this request? Mother-in-law is quite nice but also been known to have a couple of drinks and get a bit prickly. If you try to say something in conversation it often gets twisted, but I’m not sue I’d be able to word a text without offending.
They are coming to us for Christmas , and I just kindly want to say if you’d like to spend more time with your grandson between now and September is a perfect opportunity, why don’t we get a plan in place?

Any ideas? I am cringing at the thought of even asking her. Why do I always feel like a failure when I need to ask for my help?

‘Hey, would you like to have little Freddie for a few days in the week before he goes to school?’

So what days is he not in nursery that would be suitable?

They don't want to spend more time with kid.
Most grandparents are thrilled before arrival of grandchild but busy after. Times are very different than my childhood with close connection with grandparents.

If they wanted him more, they would ask.
Small children are exhausting.
Be glad for what you have.

Two hours is quite a long way. How do you see this working in practice? Could they come down on a Monday night and go home on the Wednesday morning say once a month, so they get a whole day with DC? Better to make a specific suggestion than a vague request.

Maybe the reality of a grandchild doesn't quite fit with how they imagined it to be.
My in laws find my children loud and boisterous. They actually aren't that bad, but as they are not used to being around them they find it hard. Yes they also make a fuss about not seeing them often and how much they love them, but practically you can see them getting irritated by them when we do visit.

I think he's still quite little and you are quite far away but sure how realistic it is

Your expectations are unrealistic they live 2 hours away not down the road.

Do you get 3/4 full weekends every year?
So two nights?

You want more support, so why would you frame it as they should "make hay while the sunshines".
You're not describing here you wanting your child to develop a closer bond with paternal grandparents; it's about you feeling you need more support and a low level sense of entitlement around it, not helped by MIL's airy fairy proclamations of familial love etc.
Why can't their son ask them? Why does it fall to you?
Do you have a family that helps?
It all sounds rather transactional.

You just have to accept they would offer if they wanted and appreciate the support you have. My son is 5, and we have only had 3 child free nights in those 5 years, with 2 sets of fit healthy and able grandparents....just not as willing as we'd have hoped for!

A weekly 4 hour round trip for a 3.5 year old is not fun. Even if it gives you a break.
Unless you are expecting them to make this trip? Even the most well behaved 3.5 year old is a lot of work.

Are you saying that they have him overnight 3-4 times a year? That's a good amount of help from grandparents that live 2 hours away! How much help are you expecting from them?

They live two hours away, what do you actually want them to do?!

3-4 times a year is not bad given how far they live. Every six weeks you want a weekend off and this kid has to go up and down 2 hours each way? Is that really what is best for him? Why don’t you go with him and spend time at the in laws? Then you can maybe go out for dinner or get a break but they are not running after a pre schooler all the time.

There's such a huge range of how grandparents help. My PILs have never had our children to stay and probably never will unless we specifically asked e.g. for a wedding. My parents have them for a sleepover about 3 times a year.

I agree with a PP, they don't want to have your DC to stay any more. If you need help then I would frame it that way, rather than encouraging something they aren't too fussed by. I wouldn't worry about school too much, in reality they are at school far less than nursery! You may be much keener for childcare then!

Will you bring and collect the child to/from their place?
Two hours each way is four hours travelling to visit you. It's not easy.

why don’t you ask for a specific weekend, say you’d like to go away, see if they will have him. Then you can raise it around that, eg thanks so much it was so amazing you could help us out and let us spend a bit of couple time, and especially so because DS goes to school in september. I guess then they’ve still got school hols and given they aren’t helping out that often I don’t think it will matter.

Maybe your DH needs to ask them - say me and DW could really do with some couple time this year, would you guys minding committing to a weekend every couple of months? Realistically 2hrs away (assuming 4hrs round trip) is not close by and by the sounds of it they aren’t falling over themselves to babysit so i think 3-4wkends a year isn’t bad, that’s 3-4 mini breaks, which is excellent

Can your husband not ask them, seeing as they’re his parents? I don’t think it should be fully falling on you to pluck up the courage to ask.

But also, with the two hour distance I don’t think you can really expect them to do much. If they wanted to, they would be coming to visit more already.

Im sure it’s tough with you and your husband working full time with no support, but I imagine you knew this when planning to have a child, and as lovey as it would be for more support, I don’t think it’s fair to expect more from grandparents, especially when they live two hours away.

If you are both working full time and exhausted with one child then you need to look at the hours you work and discuss whether that needs to change. I would definitely not consider another child at this point. It isn't up to grandparents to have your child overnight and unless they offered I wouldn't be inclined to ask. What do you do for your inlaws that they should be inclined to help you out on a regular basis? Family being important goes both ways, do you spend time with them, you expect rather a lot considering they live 2 hours away? Even if they lived around the corner, unless they want to help out it's entitled to expect them to do so. Presumably they raised their kids, it's now your turn. Toddlers are tiring. I do facilitate my mil spending time with my kids but rather than just leaving them with her, I offer for her to join us when we do fun stuff with the kids. I invite her to ours and she gets involved with bathing the kids before bed and reading to them but it's on her terms.

Sorry, I’m confused. Are ho requesting lire gone, or you wanting them to have dc more? Your blurb is different from your title and your final paragraph.

I think asking like this just sounds like you are pressuring them. I wouldn't bother.

Hardly likely when they live two hours a way.😂

You can ask but you can't expect more than they are willing to do. 3-4 times a year is a lot more than most grandparents have their grandchildren over night. My children's grandparents have never had them overnight, luckily I have friends who have helped out when needed. Have you any friends or other family members you could ask for support?

Thank you all. Some very thoughtful, and some slightly less thoughtful comments than I had hoped for. However, I did ask (!) & all views have helped me put it into perspective. I didn’t realise seeing your grandchild 3 weekends a year was a lot. But obviously there is a wide range, which has helped me understand and accept that it is not unusual.

I am not going to bother.