To try & ask for some/more grandparent input

[TheOnlyHonestOne]

I think what I am looking for here is just some sisterly words of encouragement. I’m trying to work up the courage to ask for some more grandparent support. Our child is 3 1/2. He starts school in September next year. Grandparents live two hours away.

Before we had him MIL made a big song and dance about how wonderful it was to have a grandchild and she can’t wait to spend loads of time with him. Sadly, it’s panned out that they just have/see him 3 to 4 times a year on the weekend. It’s not for want of asking. They’re always ‘busy’, but when we ask father-in-law, he says they have nothing on.
I’m not resentful of this, but in my mind it was going to be more like once every six weeks.

my husband and I have full-time jobs & are really tired and could do with some more support. But also, whilst he is in private nursery and we just take him in and out as I like. So they want to see him on a Friday one of us pick him up and drives two hours round-trip to meet them halfway and our son stays overnight. Mother-in-law said more than once to me on a FaceTime call that Family is more than anything to her, and she loves to spend more time with him.

How do say to my mother-in-law you should make hay while the sunshines because when he’s at school in September I can’t just be getting him in and out of nursery to see you guys.

They’re both fit & have plenty of money.

Has anyone ever achieved this request? Mother-in-law is quite nice but also been known to have a couple of drinks and get a bit prickly. If you try to say something in conversation it often gets twisted, but I’m not sue I’d be able to word a text without offending.
They are coming to us for Christmas , and I just kindly want to say if you’d like to spend more time with your grandson between now and September is a perfect opportunity, why don’t we get a plan in place?

Any ideas? I am cringing at the thought of even asking her. Why do I always feel like a failure when I need to ask for my help?

It’s not that 3 weekends in a year is a lot, it’s that you live 2 hours away.

Are they seeing them 3 weekends a year or doing childcare 4 weekends a year? Do you go as a family and visit other times?

So they have a young child overlooked, 3 or 4 times a year, that's a lot.

They live two hours away so can't do regular weekly catch up or pop in for half an hour.

What more do you want them to do?

Don’t you visit and spend the weekend there without them doing childcare? Or have them over to visit? Or is the only time they see their grandson when they are doing childcare. That sounds a tad transactional.

I think it's where is your heart in this?
Talking about them having money , being fit etc just sounds very expectant and entitled. And the phrasing ' let's put a plan in place' sounds quite irritating - well no he's your son that's the plan, just enjoy being a family together showing care for each other?

You did ask! Enjoy the free time that you have and be pleased for it :) don't think I got a whole night off until my youngest was 4.

As PP say, it's not clear whether you only see them as a family 3/4 times a year, which doesn't sound much to me, or they babysit for the weekend 3/4 times. There's quite a difference.

Yes this is key. I'm guessing OP must do otherwise the child surely wouldn't stay with gp as he'd not know them well enough

Two hours isn't far. I'd say we're just looking at weekends away / family plans / trip to X and wondering if there was any time you wanted to come and stay here - obviously we won't be able to bring DC to you once he starts school - just want to make sure we are facilitating as much contact as you want.

I always viewed my job as facilitating that relationship. MIL was pretty useless with the kids until they hit upper juniors / secondary when she found them much more interesting / engaging / less tiring.

They live too far away to be of any practical help at all. But I wouldn't be doing four hour round trips on request - you go and see them when it suits you (weekends) and if they want to see him otherwise they travel to you.

My parents are awesome but they see my son when I bring him to see them - because of distance and pets that is just how it is. I do feel envious of those who have local grandparents, but then I moved away so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

OP why can’t your DH have this conversation? It probably feels awkward because they’re your in-laws. If it was your own parents you probably wouldn’t feel this level of cringe. If DH wants this too then he should be the one to open up this conversation.

I think just leave it and get on with your own lives - if they request to see him then try and make plans but otherwise stop forcing it. Their loss - 2 hours is quite far..

My MIL sees her grand kid 2-3 times a year and we always have to come to her. She moans about not seeing her but won't make the journey. If they wanted it, they would. It's lovely that you're trying with them but honestly I'd let them be.

Our children's gps live 2 and 4 hours away. Too far for any practical help. My mum watched my oldest recently when I had a c section and my fil watched him for a few days last year while I was in hospital. Apart from that they only see them a few times a year. We love miles away and don't expect it but I do prefer it that way too. Both my dh and I usually work full time. We get tired I guess but having young children is tiring and it's what we signed up for.

If they wanted to, they would.

I think that many overnights a year is loads.

When you don't live near family they can't provide childcare in the same way that local grandparents can, no matter what everyone wants.

Ours are a similar distance. They usually visit us for an afternoon (which I think is crazy, they're invited to stay but prefer not to). One side does one or two overnights a year, the other hasn't done an hour of childcare in six years but is still a wonderful grandparent who we all love dearly.

I think you need to adjust your expectations.

Good decision. I wouldn’t ask them. They are very well aware of how much they see him if they wanted more they’d ask. I don’t think every six weeks is too much but they obviously do. It’s a shame but their loss. Maybe just visit with him more but don’t drop off and leave him and not look for ‘support’. They might like to see him with no caring responsibilities.

My parents live a 10 minute drive away and really weren’t interested in my two. Whereas they saw first born niece practically every day and helped sis out with childcare.

Sorry but your IL’s like they idea but in practice it isn’t something they necessarily want. They clearly don’t want to do this or they would have made more effort before now. Time passes quickly I wouldn’t waste my breath. In my experience they either want to
and make the effort and do it freely and without pressure or they don’t.

Where are your parents in this?

My two are at Uni now and have little to no contact/relationship now and don’t feel any closeness. Whereas niece rings DM daily often more than once and visits several times a week. But it isn’t the healthiest dynamic.

I’m not resentful of this, but in my mind it was going to be more like once every six weeks.

but it’s not up to you how often someone looks after your child, you’re not entitled to it. You have been asking and they say no they are busy so that’s completely their choice if they have him or not.
You said he goes 3/4 weekends a year that is far more than a lot of parents get and you should be very grateful for that and not act so entitled that you should be getting more. I genuinely can’t remember the last time my children stayed with grandparents overnight but it’s definitely not been in the last 5 years and that ok because they’re my kids to look after. If you wanted them to see him more you could always go to them for the day as a family and all spend time together

I think the fact they live 2 hours away is a factor in all this as presumably, they can't really just 'pop' in for a quick visit for a four hour round trip. I would for a grandchild but everyone is different.
Also, why is your husband not communicating this to them? And do your parents visit more frequently?

Toddlers really aren't much fun; they're exhausting and many people don't want to deal with nappies. I can't blame the GPs.

Maybe cultivate friendships with parents near you and trade off minding one another's kids on weekends.

Also OP given these are in-laws rather than your own family, their family may just have a different culture around grandparenting than yours. If you grew up with grandparents that were practically extra parents then they may seem cold and detached to you, but if your DH never stayed with grandparents when he was little he may think they're doing loads.

I get how tired you are OP but your expectations are too high. They are as involved as they want to be.

Just seems the OP wants cheap baby sitting as she is tired. I don’t think you can expect grandparents to help out like this - small children can be exhausting and they have done their child rearing.

4 times a year and he stays overnight so you get time as a couple? Sounds like heaven to me!