To try & ask for some/more grandparent input

[TheOnlyHonestOne]

I think what I am looking for here is just some sisterly words of encouragement. I’m trying to work up the courage to ask for some more grandparent support. Our child is 3 1/2. He starts school in September next year. Grandparents live two hours away.

Before we had him MIL made a big song and dance about how wonderful it was to have a grandchild and she can’t wait to spend loads of time with him. Sadly, it’s panned out that they just have/see him 3 to 4 times a year on the weekend. It’s not for want of asking. They’re always ‘busy’, but when we ask father-in-law, he says they have nothing on.
I’m not resentful of this, but in my mind it was going to be more like once every six weeks.

my husband and I have full-time jobs & are really tired and could do with some more support. But also, whilst he is in private nursery and we just take him in and out as I like. So they want to see him on a Friday one of us pick him up and drives two hours round-trip to meet them halfway and our son stays overnight. Mother-in-law said more than once to me on a FaceTime call that Family is more than anything to her, and she loves to spend more time with him.

How do say to my mother-in-law you should make hay while the sunshines because when he’s at school in September I can’t just be getting him in and out of nursery to see you guys.

They’re both fit & have plenty of money.

Has anyone ever achieved this request? Mother-in-law is quite nice but also been known to have a couple of drinks and get a bit prickly. If you try to say something in conversation it often gets twisted, but I’m not sue I’d be able to word a text without offending.
They are coming to us for Christmas , and I just kindly want to say if you’d like to spend more time with your grandson between now and September is a perfect opportunity, why don’t we get a plan in place?

Any ideas? I am cringing at the thought of even asking her. Why do I always feel like a failure when I need to ask for my help?

“As GS is starting school in September we’ll have to sort some days out or sleepovers in the calendar so you don’t miss him too much”

Why sort out sleepovers? I don't think this is right. It's more "let's get some weekends in the diary we can come up and visit/ you can come down"

Just using them for childcare 3 weekends a year and spending no other time together is a recipe for resentment.

I’m sorry you feel you need some more support, but unfortunately they live 2hrs away it’s not really a simple case of them being able to help/support more than they already do. I’m not sure what your expectations from them are?

If it’s solely that you are concerned about your sons relationship with his grandparents and concerned that what happened currently will not be able to continue some sept, then just mention it in conversation and explain things will have to be adapted come sept due to school. See what they suggest? Unfortunately it’s not your job to ensure they have a relationship with their grandchild, that’s on them xx

I honesty think it’s best not to bother approaching the subject to ensure the relationship. Maybe look at some date weekends/nights for you and partner and see if they can babysit have a sleepover? I don’t expect any of my kids grandparents to have any of mine regularly nor frequently to enable a relationship. My parents do bother more even if it’s just phone calls. The in laws bother less, usually odd visits or birthdays as Christmases, the in-laws live 1hr 40 mins away. Putting it in perspective in my situation my dad was in the army till my twins were born (no4&5) they moved there before my eldest was born and I had no2&3 when they were there too and my parents lived in Germany and I in the uk. My in laws then lived in the same town, my children were closer to my parents than my husbands not because of physical contact or sleepovers it was because my mum rang every single day. Now my parents live 20 mins away and now the kids are older they incredibly close but they’ve never had sleepovers, they have never been ones to want to sleep out unless at friends. But I do ask them to come and sit and babysit if we are going out on a date night etc. if they can they will if they can’t they don’t. I didn’t have them for child care or physical support which was fine for me, my sister has two and my mum has been her childcare since they were 6months old now 8 and 5. They have seen my mum and dad much more really but they’ve never are no closer to my parents than mine. So hope that helps your worry. What will be will be and your son won’t actually miss out, growing up my grandma (dads mum) didn’t bother, only bothered couple times a year, my mum tried everything, and you know what I don’t care and never did it affect me - I’m I contact with her but I don’t miss what I never had xx

There are different views on grandparenting. Here's mine.

Me and partner (both late seventies) currently spend two nights a (school) week at the house of one of our children. We used to collect the grandkids from school when they needed that, now we wait for them to get in, take them to after-school activities, cook for them and their parents those two nights, sleep overnight (on a comfortable sofa-bed bought for the purpose).

They live almost two hours away; we cycle to the train station, get a taxi or bus the other end, cycle back early morning from the station. We've got quite handy at cooking stuff at home, packaging for the trip and re-warming.

The grandchildren's parents work late the nights we're there; the days we're not there, they each work different part-time hours so one of them is home when their children arrive (and take them to other after-school activities).

This works well so far. (Though Covid was a bit of a nightmare of course.) And ... we (me and partner) love doing it! We have really good close relationships over three generations of family, our child and partner get to do relatively high-powered jobs whilst still keeping close to their kids, and we grandparents continue with a shape to our lives now we have retired from paid work.

We oldies still volunteer elsewhere and have (mostly separate but some joint) hobbies and other activities when we're not grandparenting. And we use school holidays, half-terms etc., to visit and stay with other children and grandchildren (in other countries; we're quite a spread-out family, for various reasons).

Some grandparents, like us, love to spend time with grandkids even when it takes a bit of work. Others, I know, feel that they've done enough with their own children and don't really want to do more. I don't judge - it takes all sorts - but I do think it's worth pointing out that some of us grandparents do really enjoy looking after the next-generation-but-one. (And I do feel the 'hands-off' grandparents miss out, even if they don't see it!)

So, OP, in the light of this, I recommend you ask; explain parameters carefully, don't be too disappointed if the answer's 'No', but do give them this chance of joy.

Some people don't enjoy the company of young DC. GC or not. I don't think my DM did either. Never a sleepover in 13 years.
They don't want to. Don't ask.

If they only see your child when they take him overnight, then when do they see you or their own child?

Don't you ever visit as a family?

"To try & ask for some/more grandparent input"

Do you really mean free babysitting?