Seeing my family at Christmas

[bluenotebook]

not sure if this is an AIBU but more WWYD

this is the second Christmas I’ll be having living with my partner, last year we had all our children Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, my parents visited in the morning and his parents came for dinner, we stayed in in the evening.

this year we don’t have all our children, they are back with us Boxing Day when we will have ‘Christmas’ with them. That’s all agreed.

my issue is that prior to living with my partner I used to go to my parents every other year for dinner and every Christmas night, all extended family go and would have a drink and a bit of a party, my kids have always enjoyed this. Last year as it was our first Christmas living together we decided to spend it together and not go to my parents.

this year I have rightly or wrongly assumed that as we don’t have the kids we can have dinner with his parents in the day and go to my parents in the evening for a little drink with them. My partner is not happy with this idea, he doesn’t want to spoil the next day when we have all the kids back.

Now I fully get what he is saying and I have said I don’t want to go till all hours, I’d just like to go for a bit and have a drink or two with them and aim to be home around 10/11pm. He is very against this, I suggested he can drive if he doesn’t want to drink but it just turned into a bit of a disagreement which ended up getting left.

i would really like to go round to my parents and have a drink with them on Christmas night. I’m happy to sacrifice going every other year when we have all the kids and I’m sacrificing ever having dinner with them as his parents can’t really go out so they would be on their own if we didn’t have dinner with them and I wouldn’t like to leave them on their own.

he is making out I’m being selfish for not putting the kids first and ruining our Boxing Day with them if I have a drink in the evening. FWIW I do have self control and I do know when to stop, I equally don’t want to ruin our family day on Boxing Day either.

AIBU? Should I just accept my Christmases no longer should involve doing something with my parents whether we have all the kids or not? Before I broach this with him I just wondered if anyone had any advice?

just to add, my parents have dinner with my siblings and some of my extended family so there is usually quite a lot of them so having everyone at ours isn’t really an option.

Def not being unreasonable. So he gets to have Christmas dinner with his parents two years running and you cannot go for a drink in the evening with yours?
That is really not fair.

he is making out I’m being selfish for not putting the kids first and ruining our Boxing Day with them if I have a drink in the evening

The issue seems to be his belief that you can't "go and have a drink with your family" and function the next day.

What we don't know is if there is any truth in that.

Personally, I am perfectly able to go out one night and function completely as normal the next night, as I'm not 16 and I know how much I can drink and be absolutely fine. So if he were talking about me, he would be being ridiculous and I would obviously be going to spend the time with my family.

What we don't know is if you are like me, and there is just no issue, and he is being ridiculous
or
if he has a point, and you will drink to excess and then will struggle the next day.

🚩

Why does he have this belief you'll be unable to function on Boxing Day if you go out to see your parents for a drink? How does he think families who have guests throughout the Christmas period manage with back to back eating and drinking? Is he overly sensitive to any drinking you do and why? He's either a ridiculous arse (which is the way it looks given you always gave to go to his parents for Christmas lunch) or there's something you're not saying.

I kind of get where he's coming from, even if I don't agree with it. To him Christmas Day isn't special this year, Boxing Day is because you'll have all the kids.

But...if it's the 26th that's special, shouldn't you (plural) be spending the 25th prepping veg, stuffing the turkey, cleaning and tidying and making the beds so that everything is spick and span for the DCs? Not cooking a full Christmas dinner for his parents with all the prep that entails, serving it, clearing and washing up?

I agree with PP’s that it sounds as if he thinks that you’ll get paralytic and be unable to function on Boxing Day. Has this happened before at family parties?

Even if it has, if you decide that it’s not going to happen this time, I can’t see what the problem is. If he’d rather stay at home, he can, that’s not a problem. Perhaps he can do some food prep for Boxing Day?!

How about going to your parents and not having alcohol, of it's you drinking alcohol hes worried about?

And wonder why he's worried about it if it's that

its actually him who can’t function the next day when we have been to my parents in the past for other occasions. I am happy to go and have a few shandy’s and be home handy so we are fresh for the next day. He is more of an all or nothing person.

my parents enjoy a drink and all my siblings and family will be there so maybe he is worried about getting carried away so would rather remove himself from such an environment.

not sure if I am fighting a losing battle or whether there is some way to talk him round but in my eyes there is no reason we can’t go, we just need to be sensible, I really don’t want to be hungover the next day either but I do want to see my family.

Why don't you just go and just not drink? Leave him at home. And if he won't compromise on this, I'd just go to my parents for the whole day and leave him with his.
And I also think it's sad that your kids will forever now miss out on that extended Christmas with their grandparents as you'll be at home with his kids.

I would say it’s up to you what you do, but I’m going to my parents for that drink.

Leave him at home and go to your parents. Not your fault he is all or nothing. You also don’t have to self-flagellate and have a pious, quiet day because you don’t have your DC. It’s not the end of the world.

Still don't understand why you can't continue the previous setup of alternating dinner with his folks and yours? You hosted his family last year - stands to reason it's your turn for your own family's dinner this year.

My response to this would be, "You're very welcome to join me at my parents, but equally if you would rather go home, that's fine too."

Then go to your parents' party.

If he cant trust himself not to be hungover and your household family Christmas is boxing day then why dont you each go to your own families in the evening? Or he can come home for early night after dinner at his parents while you go to your parents.

Leave him behind. Go see your own family.

Just go, and tell him it’s up to him if he joins you or not.

i

I’d see your family without him - it’s his choice whether to come and stay sober or not - you’re not joined at the hip and have your own mind and family.

Why can’t he drop you at your parents when you have finished dinner with his parents ?
He can do as he chooses and so can you .

You are kid free this Xmas make the most of it .
All
sounds like it’s working to suit him . Stand up for yourself OP before your life isn’t your own.

@AffIt has the perfect response.

How old are all the kids?

Me too. It sounds like he has the problem with stopping after a few drinks so just go on your own and enjoy time with your family.

Does he get on with your family? It sounds like he doesn’t want to see them. Christmas is about family, not just kids. How would he feel in the future if his kids don’t want to see him at Christmas? Plus why don’t your wishes your count here? It’s selfish that he doesn’t want you to see your family. I agree with the others, go on your own.

Go on your own then. And if he sulks take it as a sign that this relationship isn't right..

No one gets to boss me around when I am being perfectly reasonable, which you are. If he can't moderate his drinking that's his problem, not yours.

@Agix
"How about going to your parents and not having alcohol, of it's you drinking alcohol hes worried about?"

Because he is not the boss of her!

This would be a massive issue for me, nobody would tell me I can’t see my family and parents in Xmas day. Tell him you are going and he’s welcome to come if he wants to. Of course you’ll be able to
function for your kids and so what if you were a bit hungover anyway? I’m sure they won’t care!