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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing my family at Christmas

71 replies

bluenotebook · 26/11/2024 13:32

not sure if this is an AIBU but more WWYD

this is the second Christmas I’ll be having living with my partner, last year we had all our children Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, my parents visited in the morning and his parents came for dinner, we stayed in in the evening.

this year we don’t have all our children, they are back with us Boxing Day when we will have ‘Christmas’ with them. That’s all agreed.

my issue is that prior to living with my partner I used to go to my parents every other year for dinner and every Christmas night, all extended family go and would have a drink and a bit of a party, my kids have always enjoyed this. Last year as it was our first Christmas living together we decided to spend it together and not go to my parents.

this year I have rightly or wrongly assumed that as we don’t have the kids we can have dinner with his parents in the day and go to my parents in the evening for a little drink with them. My partner is not happy with this idea, he doesn’t want to spoil the next day when we have all the kids back.

Now I fully get what he is saying and I have said I don’t want to go till all hours, I’d just like to go for a bit and have a drink or two with them and aim to be home around 10/11pm. He is very against this, I suggested he can drive if he doesn’t want to drink but it just turned into a bit of a disagreement which ended up getting left.

i would really like to go round to my parents and have a drink with them on Christmas night. I’m happy to sacrifice going every other year when we have all the kids and I’m sacrificing ever having dinner with them as his parents can’t really go out so they would be on their own if we didn’t have dinner with them and I wouldn’t like to leave them on their own.

he is making out I’m being selfish for not putting the kids first and ruining our Boxing Day with them if I have a drink in the evening. FWIW I do have self control and I do know when to stop, I equally don’t want to ruin our family day on Boxing Day either.

AIBU? Should I just accept my Christmases no longer should involve doing something with my parents whether we have all the kids or not? Before I broach this with him I just wondered if anyone had any advice?

just to add, my parents have dinner with my siblings and some of my extended family so there is usually quite a lot of them so having everyone at ours isn’t really an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluenotebook · 28/11/2024 13:21

SallyWD · 28/11/2024 13:13

I agree with this. It's not that you wrongly assumed - you don't need permission from him! If you want to see your parents, see them. It seems most unfair that you'll spend Christmas day with his parents and then are not allowed to visit your own! You shouldn't feel guilty because you're not excluding him. He's choosing to exclude himself.

Show quote history

thanks, I needed to hear that. I see Christmas as a time you all spend together but you are totally right.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 28/11/2024 13:27

bluenotebook · 27/11/2024 13:43

its actually him who can’t function the next day when we have been to my parents in the past for other occasions. I am happy to go and have a few shandy’s and be home handy so we are fresh for the next day. He is more of an all or nothing person.

my parents enjoy a drink and all my siblings and family will be there so maybe he is worried about getting carried away so would rather remove himself from such an environment.

not sure if I am fighting a losing battle or whether there is some way to talk him round but in my eyes there is no reason we can’t go, we just need to be sensible, I really don’t want to be hungover the next day either but I do want to see my family.

in your shoes? I would go to my parents, with or without him for this year.

And have an agreement that when you don't have the children, you alternate Christmas Dinner with one set of parents, evening drinks with the others.

Or i would say: fine, on non-kid Christmases i'm going to my parents, you go to yours.

some kind of compromise, but the hell i would not be seeing my parents at christmas if i had the chance.

pikkumyy77 · 28/11/2024 13:32

bluenotebook · 28/11/2024 12:37

So to answer a few questions, both mine and his DC are back with us on Boxing Day, we wont be having a Christmas dinner but we will have a day with them doing stuff etc, fine with that. Their ages range from 8 to 16.

In his previous life he has always hosted his parents and his ex PIL all together so never really had the issue of never seeing his parents.

I am happy to spend the day with his parents, they are on their own otherwise, I just wrongly assumed every other year we could go to my parents in the evening when we didn't have any DC. My DC are actually at the age that they probably wouldn't want to go anymore.

There is an element of me feeling guilty going to my parents and leaving him on his own on Christmas night but I suppose that would be his own choice.

Stop feeling guilty. He is choosing to be on his own because he is rudely refusing to let you have a normal relationship with your family.

NewName24 · 28/11/2024 16:11

You have no reason to feel guilty.
He is invited to your parents, but he is excluding himself because he has a drink problem.
That is not on you.

Moellen54 · 01/12/2024 08:28

Do you have a habit of getting too p**d to do anything the following day? As thats the only sensible explanation for his decision. Maybe agree to take a bottle of low alcohol wine and stick to that

Emmz1510 · 01/12/2024 08:33

He’s speaking from his own experience of getting blazing drunk and hungover the next day and projecting that onto you.
You go. Tell him you would prefer if he came too and just had a couple of beers but you’ll be there either way. He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. All the people saying go and not drink! Why? To please him? The OP says she is perfectly capable of having a few drinks and being fine the next day.

Harry12345 · 01/12/2024 08:57

No one would be telling me I won’t be seeing my parents on Xmas day especially after spending the day with theirs, that’s quite controlling, go on your own

CautiousLurker1 · 01/12/2024 09:22

Just go and see your family on your own then? Get a taxi home, or don’t drink while your there (I assume the priority is seeing your family, not the drinking).

PinkiOcelot · 01/12/2024 09:42

I’d go without him.

He’s being a selfish prick. Fine for you to see his family second year in a row, but not yours. Reg flag right there.

InSpainTheRain · 01/12/2024 09:43

I think what he wants sounds very unfair on you and your parents. However, if he doesn't want to go why not go by yourself? If my partner didn't want to do something and I think I'd go by myself. You don't need to drink, take a couple of chilled mocktails and join in, but still drive home.

Onlyvisiting · 01/12/2024 09:52

His way of managing it seems flawed and dickish but I'd probably try once more to reacha consensus, if it is a boozy type of party its a very different vibe to popping round for tea, cake and board games isn't it? And I'd be concerned that he can't moderate his intake but glad he is self aware enough to try to avoid the situation.
Can you suggest a clearer plan, ie, he definitely drives so can opt out of drinking without drama, you are only planning max x drinks so not to worry about you and you pre agree a time to leave? (I dont drink much so would happily agree to both sticking to non alcoholic drinks to keep him company if it was me ) And if he won't compromise at all then feck him, go anyway. But that would leave a sour taste in my mouth if he's going to be upset about it.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/12/2024 09:59

So he wants to do what he wants to do and isn’t prepared to be flexible and include your wishes?!

That’s what I’d be talking about with him! If that’s the case, he can spend the day with his parents and I’d be going to mind for the day. I’d be really pissed off with his attitude to be honest.

Swiftie1878 · 01/12/2024 11:22

Agree with PP, just go but don’t drink alcohol.
Merry Christmas! x

PensionedCruiser · 01/12/2024 11:54

bluenotebook · 27/11/2024 13:43

its actually him who can’t function the next day when we have been to my parents in the past for other occasions. I am happy to go and have a few shandy’s and be home handy so we are fresh for the next day. He is more of an all or nothing person.

my parents enjoy a drink and all my siblings and family will be there so maybe he is worried about getting carried away so would rather remove himself from such an environment.

not sure if I am fighting a losing battle or whether there is some way to talk him round but in my eyes there is no reason we can’t go, we just need to be sensible, I really don’t want to be hungover the next day either but I do want to see my family.

Ah, now it makes sense. He can't drink sensibly so wants to stop you both going to your parents. You have a choice here, OP. Think very carefully how much control you're willing to give him over you and your interactions with your family.

BTW, I think that the idea of letting him be the designated driver at your parents' do is excellent - unless he's going to be a wet blanket all evening.

abs12 · 01/12/2024 23:13

I can't believe you even think it's acceptable for him to dictate to you whether you get to see ypur parenor not. The whole alcohol thing sounds ridiculous. You're adults.

Tell him, this is important and will happen every year where possible and he can stay behind if he can't handle the next day. He sounds like a dick.

Ellie1015 · 02/12/2024 08:33

When does he "assume" you will see your family on Christmas day ever?

CosyLemur · 03/12/2024 05:54

In my experience the person in a relationship who doesn't know when to stop drinking at parties is usually the one who says "actually I can function fine the day after it's him who can't" when asked not to drink for an evening because of previous plans. Also the fact the offered up the information "I do have self control" in your post without anything even thinking you wouldn't have is a huge red flag to me!
I'm sorry OP but I don't believe that you will be able to function the next day; either that or you've forgotten to tell us that his ex was an alcoholic and has previously ruined Christmas for his kids!

CosyLemur · 03/12/2024 05:57

bluenotebook · 28/11/2024 12:37

So to answer a few questions, both mine and his DC are back with us on Boxing Day, we wont be having a Christmas dinner but we will have a day with them doing stuff etc, fine with that. Their ages range from 8 to 16.

In his previous life he has always hosted his parents and his ex PIL all together so never really had the issue of never seeing his parents.

I am happy to spend the day with his parents, they are on their own otherwise, I just wrongly assumed every other year we could go to my parents in the evening when we didn't have any DC. My DC are actually at the age that they probably wouldn't want to go anymore.

There is an element of me feeling guilty going to my parents and leaving him on his own on Christmas night but I suppose that would be his own choice.

Have you asked your kids if they want to go or are you just assuming they won't want to go next year?

crockofshite · 03/12/2024 06:11

What does 'having a drink ' mean? Are you sipping on a glass of sherry? or getting down and dirty all night with the wine beer and spirits?

malificent7 · 03/12/2024 06:22

Is he a keeper op? Or a controlling arse?

pikkumyy77 · 03/12/2024 11:57

CosyLemur · 03/12/2024 05:54

In my experience the person in a relationship who doesn't know when to stop drinking at parties is usually the one who says "actually I can function fine the day after it's him who can't" when asked not to drink for an evening because of previous plans. Also the fact the offered up the information "I do have self control" in your post without anything even thinking you wouldn't have is a huge red flag to me!
I'm sorry OP but I don't believe that you will be able to function the next day; either that or you've forgotten to tell us that his ex was an alcoholic and has previously ruined Christmas for his kids!

Edited

Ridiculously hostile overreaching here.

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