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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing my family at Christmas

71 replies

bluenotebook · 26/11/2024 13:32

not sure if this is an AIBU but more WWYD

this is the second Christmas I’ll be having living with my partner, last year we had all our children Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, my parents visited in the morning and his parents came for dinner, we stayed in in the evening.

this year we don’t have all our children, they are back with us Boxing Day when we will have ‘Christmas’ with them. That’s all agreed.

my issue is that prior to living with my partner I used to go to my parents every other year for dinner and every Christmas night, all extended family go and would have a drink and a bit of a party, my kids have always enjoyed this. Last year as it was our first Christmas living together we decided to spend it together and not go to my parents.

this year I have rightly or wrongly assumed that as we don’t have the kids we can have dinner with his parents in the day and go to my parents in the evening for a little drink with them. My partner is not happy with this idea, he doesn’t want to spoil the next day when we have all the kids back.

Now I fully get what he is saying and I have said I don’t want to go till all hours, I’d just like to go for a bit and have a drink or two with them and aim to be home around 10/11pm. He is very against this, I suggested he can drive if he doesn’t want to drink but it just turned into a bit of a disagreement which ended up getting left.

i would really like to go round to my parents and have a drink with them on Christmas night. I’m happy to sacrifice going every other year when we have all the kids and I’m sacrificing ever having dinner with them as his parents can’t really go out so they would be on their own if we didn’t have dinner with them and I wouldn’t like to leave them on their own.

he is making out I’m being selfish for not putting the kids first and ruining our Boxing Day with them if I have a drink in the evening. FWIW I do have self control and I do know when to stop, I equally don’t want to ruin our family day on Boxing Day either.

AIBU? Should I just accept my Christmases no longer should involve doing something with my parents whether we have all the kids or not? Before I broach this with him I just wondered if anyone had any advice?

just to add, my parents have dinner with my siblings and some of my extended family so there is usually quite a lot of them so having everyone at ours isn’t really an option.

OP posts:
OchAyeTheN00 · 27/11/2024 15:00

Why do you have to drink alcohol? Just compromise and go and have a nice time without drinking. I don’t drink though so for me I don’t see the point in it.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 27/11/2024 15:01

Is he often resentful of you spending time with your family? My ex used to get The Rage when I had my dc if he was having issues with his ex /dc...

bluebeck · 27/11/2024 15:04

I’m a bit confused. Is there a reason why you can’t go without him?

Lollypop701 · 27/11/2024 15:06

So the conversation with him from me would be

you get to see his parents every year
i never get to see mine
your kids get to see grandparents every year
my kids don’t see theirs (until they are old enough and go without you if course)

tell me again how this is reasonable

if he doesn’t back down quite frankly I’d be telling him he can stay at his parents full stop. Because he thought last year was the start of his dictatorship

7yo7yo · 27/11/2024 15:06

Several choices but I would say if you don’t see your parents he doesn’t see his. See how he likes it.
why are you making all the compromises in this? What’s your relationship generally like? Is he selfish and controlling?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/11/2024 15:07

bluenotebook · 27/11/2024 13:43

its actually him who can’t function the next day when we have been to my parents in the past for other occasions. I am happy to go and have a few shandy’s and be home handy so we are fresh for the next day. He is more of an all or nothing person.

my parents enjoy a drink and all my siblings and family will be there so maybe he is worried about getting carried away so would rather remove himself from such an environment.

not sure if I am fighting a losing battle or whether there is some way to talk him round but in my eyes there is no reason we can’t go, we just need to be sensible, I really don’t want to be hungover the next day either but I do want to see my family.

Can I just check? His parents will still be coming round to yours for Christmas dinner but you are not allowed to go to your parents in the afternoon/evening?

If that's the case, he is being totally unreasonable.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/11/2024 15:08

OchAyeTheN00 · 27/11/2024 15:00

Why do you have to drink alcohol? Just compromise and go and have a nice time without drinking. I don’t drink though so for me I don’t see the point in it.

OP is fine drinking alcohol. He is the one who can't function the next day.

GottaLoveTheGuineas · 27/11/2024 15:17

Why don't you just leave him at his parents and you go to yours? Surely that would be the most straightforward. You'll have spent most of the day together anyway and you have Boxing Day with the kids the next day...

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2024 15:20

bluenotebook · 27/11/2024 13:43

its actually him who can’t function the next day when we have been to my parents in the past for other occasions. I am happy to go and have a few shandy’s and be home handy so we are fresh for the next day. He is more of an all or nothing person.

my parents enjoy a drink and all my siblings and family will be there so maybe he is worried about getting carried away so would rather remove himself from such an environment.

not sure if I am fighting a losing battle or whether there is some way to talk him round but in my eyes there is no reason we can’t go, we just need to be sensible, I really don’t want to be hungover the next day either but I do want to see my family.

You go with or without him

His choice

Skyrainlight · 27/11/2024 15:24

I would go without him. Enjoy spending time with your parents and leave him at home.

ChristmasCrimble · 27/11/2024 15:27

I’d be going to my parents, if he comes along fine if he doesn’t then that’s up to him. I wouldn’t have anyone dictate to me when I see can my family.

Lavenderandbrown · 27/11/2024 15:35

Be very firm here OP…im going to celebrate the holiday with my family. Thats all you say. You self regulate what you drink and you self regulate what time you get up on boxing day to “make the day happen” OF COURSE you see your family!! Your parents and siblings want to see you and honestly as a divorced parent myself some of the childfree
years allowed me to connect talk visit extended family the most. Unless you have an undisclosed drink problem he's unreasonable. do not set the precedent you will forgo family time according to his mood family work etc. this is an amber flag at best

TomatoSandwiches · 27/11/2024 15:41

I'd be doing what suited me, he can stay at home if he pleases but I'm not stuck to anyone's hip.

Zen8 · 27/11/2024 15:41

GrumpyPanda · 27/11/2024 14:01

Still don't understand why you can't continue the previous setup of alternating dinner with his folks and yours? You hosted his family last year - stands to reason it's your turn for your own family's dinner this year.

I agree with this. Why does being with him mean that you have to do Christmas his way? And he's not even happy when you're compromising a lot. Do you think he'd compromise as much as you are if he was in your position?

Dontbeme · 27/11/2024 16:07

I would go my parents for dinner and Christmas night, he can go to his parents.
You then have your own Christmas dinner together with the kids on the 26th.
I would not be binning off my parents for him.

SallyWD · 27/11/2024 16:13

I find it weird that he thinks you'll get so wasted you can't function on boxing day! But then again, I don't know what your family gatherings are like...
Why can't you go alone if he doesn't want to? Maybe I'm weird but I've always wanted to maintain my own identity in a relationship. If I want to see my parents on Christmas day I will. My DH would be welcome but if he doesn't want to go, he certainly wouldn't stop me going. You need to put your foot down. It's a slippery slope if he feels entitled to stop you celebrating Christmas with your own parents, when you have no other plans. It's important to you and you really want to go, so you should. I'm sure your parents would love to see you too.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 27/11/2024 16:15

Go to Christmas dinner with his parents, then you can leave to go to the evening do at your parents while he spends the evening with his parents, or goes back home and washes his hair or whatever else he does when he isn't being 'all or nothing'.

Unless you all live miles apart that is.

SallyWD · 27/11/2024 16:15

Dontbeme · 27/11/2024 16:07

I would go my parents for dinner and Christmas night, he can go to his parents.
You then have your own Christmas dinner together with the kids on the 26th.
I would not be binning off my parents for him.

This is exactly what DH and I did before we had children. We both really loved our respective family Christmases so would spend them with our families. It worked very well.

NewName24 · 27/11/2024 16:16

its actually him who can’t function the next day when we have been to my parents in the past for other occasions. I am happy to go and have a few shandy’s and be home handy so we are fresh for the next day. He is more of an all or nothing person.
my parents enjoy a drink and all my siblings and family will be there so maybe he is worried about getting carried away so would rather remove himself from such an environment.

Right, so it is to do with his relationship with drink, and total lack of ability to control himself and moderate what he drinks.
That is what I would be talking to him about. It seems this isn't about Christmas but about his problem with drink.

This year, I'd be going to your parents and telling him it is up to him if he joins you. He can either come with you and behave like an adult and either not drink any alcohol or drink a small amount, or he can stay at home and miss out on the evening because he has no self control, but either way, there is no reason you shouldn't go.

SpringleDingle · 27/11/2024 16:21

He can stay home.....

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/11/2024 16:32

@bluenotebook so what did his parents do before you came on the scene to feed them??

Juicey1992 · 27/11/2024 16:37

If I were you, I would go and leave him at home. There is no reason why you shouldn't.

Original poster
bluenotebook · 28/11/2024 12:37

So to answer a few questions, both mine and his DC are back with us on Boxing Day, we wont be having a Christmas dinner but we will have a day with them doing stuff etc, fine with that. Their ages range from 8 to 16.

In his previous life he has always hosted his parents and his ex PIL all together so never really had the issue of never seeing his parents.

I am happy to spend the day with his parents, they are on their own otherwise, I just wrongly assumed every other year we could go to my parents in the evening when we didn't have any DC. My DC are actually at the age that they probably wouldn't want to go anymore.

There is an element of me feeling guilty going to my parents and leaving him on his own on Christmas night but I suppose that would be his own choice.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 28/11/2024 12:41

bluenotebook · 28/11/2024 12:37

So to answer a few questions, both mine and his DC are back with us on Boxing Day, we wont be having a Christmas dinner but we will have a day with them doing stuff etc, fine with that. Their ages range from 8 to 16.

In his previous life he has always hosted his parents and his ex PIL all together so never really had the issue of never seeing his parents.

I am happy to spend the day with his parents, they are on their own otherwise, I just wrongly assumed every other year we could go to my parents in the evening when we didn't have any DC. My DC are actually at the age that they probably wouldn't want to go anymore.

There is an element of me feeling guilty going to my parents and leaving him on his own on Christmas night but I suppose that would be his own choice.

Again why did you wrongly assume ?
its not wrong to think that in a relationship you would both compromise .
He is wanting to do all that makes him happy and, so that’s why you should go to your parents.
So he has the young dependents seems like this is all going in his favour OP

Talk and work it out or it may mean and unhappy relationship or that you aren’t ment to be together.

SallyWD · 28/11/2024 13:13

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/11/2024 12:41

Again why did you wrongly assume ?
its not wrong to think that in a relationship you would both compromise .
He is wanting to do all that makes him happy and, so that’s why you should go to your parents.
So he has the young dependents seems like this is all going in his favour OP

Talk and work it out or it may mean and unhappy relationship or that you aren’t ment to be together.

Show quote history

I agree with this. It's not that you wrongly assumed - you don't need permission from him! If you want to see your parents, see them. It seems most unfair that you'll spend Christmas day with his parents and then are not allowed to visit your own! You shouldn't feel guilty because you're not excluding him. He's choosing to exclude himself.