AIBU to enjoy this?

[Workcrush]

I know AIBU but anyway

Recently stated a hybrid job about 6 weeks ago, all the rest of my team are remote and live 4+ hours from me. In the office I sit with similar teams so it's all good, really enjoying the role, my team and other colleagues are lovely.

BUT I'm happily married, been with my husband for 19 years (I'm 40) have 2 kids age 4 and 8. ..... and now I've got a work crush. He is a colleague on my team(same level) a few years younger than me but we have SO much in common and really get on well, similar humour and he is my type in looks (never realised I had a 'type' after being with my husband for so long and not looking at other blokes much)

We chat a fair bit and have taken to messaging each other or calling on teams a bit to chat outside of the active team group chat.

He has helped train me and so we've spent a fair bit of time together. I feel a real connection to him and an attraction but rather than shut it down and not talk to him I've let it carry on because I'll very likely never meet him in person and he has a fiancée and baby and seems really committed too. Its just a crush but AIBU to not shut it down?! I caught myself thinking about him on the way home from work yesterday which has prompted this thread as I feel guilty.

Shut it down now......you are playing with fire!

It just sounds like a road of potential problems to me. I’m in an open marriage, so no judgement of the “fancying people other than spouse” element: but getting emotionally attached to unobtainable work colleagues is a professional nightmare, especially since there’s every chance you will at some point meet in person in a work context.

You can’t switch off how you feel, but I’d curb the flirty chats and messaging. As much as anything, for all you know he plays this game with every new starter and you’re just his latest naive toy.

I think you need to shut it down. You may be sure you wouldn't do anything - so may he - but all it takes is for both of you to have a 'fuck it' moment and your lives and relationships will never recover.

The rest of the team are all middle aged men and always have been so I don't think this is regular for him. It might just be the novelty of me being the first woman maybe. But we have so much in common it's scary, that wouldn't be a thing with just anyone which is maybe why it's built this odd feeling inside me!

I know but we're 4+ hours apart and always will be.

So you've never even met him but you share a 'real connection and attraction'?

Do let your husband know that he is allowed to carry out the same behaviour.

Would you be ok with your husband having a crush on a younger woman he works with, daydreaming about her and talking about a special attraction and connection with her?

I think there’s a reason you feel guilty about this.

Yep, tell your husband he's free to chat to and catch feelings for a younger version of you, and hide it from you OP!

Teams chats so basically like talking to someone in person.

I know! I agree but can't control how I feel and I never would or could act on it. Maybe thats why I'm not instantly shutting it down I don't know.

OP cut out the flirty text messages. How would you feel if your DH was sending a woman similar messages?

There are no text messages. I will definitely not be exchanging phone numbers with him- this is all during work hours on Teams (teams is like Zoom etc if you're not familiar)

It's not really flirty just work based banter I'd say - nothing crossing any lines but there's definitely a mutual attraction there.

I don’t think it’s rocket science, OP. You’re married with two young children, most of your life and conversation with your husband probably revolves around childcare, school, family stuff, chores and household maintenance, keeping on top of drudgery etc. Whereas with this man you don’t share any of that and don’t have to talk about it: you can talk about yourselves and things which interest and animate you.

Sometimes relationships do just draw to a natural close, and whilst it might be sad, it’s not the end of the world. You need to work out whether that’s where you’ve reached with your husband and whether that’s why this new man interests you so much, and move towards separating; or whether it’s just that new man seems interested in you and gives you the opportunity to talk about you as a person rather than “mum” that you aren’t getting enough of at home and need to actively make an effort to work at with your husband. It’s really important to never stop dating your spouse and keeping up with all the reasons you wanted to be together in the first place - because once you do, that’s why you end up where you are.

How would you feel if your husband behaved as if he was still in high school with the girls. You sound very immature. Shut it down before you do any damage. Your kids and husband don’t deserve this.

Don't risk your marriage. If you end up divorced your kids will suffer too.

Clearly not happily married then.

Happily married people don't turn to the Internet to tell everyone they fancy someone.

MN is littered with women finding out ther partner is flirting with a colleague. The overwhelming response is that he's a bit of a c##t.

Works Teams is also not the place for your flirty bantz seeing as anything you type is not private

There's no flirting, just general chit chat so no issue with using teams.

I am happily married, this feeling has come from the blue and I'm not going to act on it at all, so there's a difference there.

Also I can't talk about it in real life and this is an anonymous forum, it's not like I'm here bragging.

You’ve admitted having several teams conversations with this male outside of work. Have you told your husband you’re doing this. If not then you’re already on the slippery slope to adultery. Get your silly head out of the sand.

😄😄 what are you on about?! I've only spoken to him on Teams during work time?

Were other team members present during your chats.

No but they're in work time, just outside of the group chat. Nothing but innocent conversation but we have a lot of stuff in common and we just click. He would make a great mate if I didn't also feel an attraction which is the bad bit. But I'll never meet him in person or swap phone numbers/talk to him outside of work.

The key isn’t the fact that it’s in work time but that there is no one else present. You’re already being secretive. Show your husband this thread and see whether he minds your behaviour. You’re already on a slippery slope or you wouldn’t be having one on one conversations with him. The fact that it’s on work time is irrelevant.

I talk to lots of people in work time one on one chats in person and via Teams. We're not doing that to be secretive, it's just normal chat about our kids/dogs/cats/hobbies etc that the whole team probably don't want to read too or hear about. Anyway none of that is the point I know, I've decided I won't instigate any extra chats for a while.