AIBU to enjoy this?

[Workcrush]

I know AIBU but anyway

Recently stated a hybrid job about 6 weeks ago, all the rest of my team are remote and live 4+ hours from me. In the office I sit with similar teams so it's all good, really enjoying the role, my team and other colleagues are lovely.

BUT I'm happily married, been with my husband for 19 years (I'm 40) have 2 kids age 4 and 8. ..... and now I've got a work crush. He is a colleague on my team(same level) a few years younger than me but we have SO much in common and really get on well, similar humour and he is my type in looks (never realised I had a 'type' after being with my husband for so long and not looking at other blokes much)

We chat a fair bit and have taken to messaging each other or calling on teams a bit to chat outside of the active team group chat.

He has helped train me and so we've spent a fair bit of time together. I feel a real connection to him and an attraction but rather than shut it down and not talk to him I've let it carry on because I'll very likely never meet him in person and he has a fiancée and baby and seems really committed too. Its just a crush but AIBU to not shut it down?! I caught myself thinking about him on the way home from work yesterday which has prompted this thread as I feel guilty.

You know emotional affairs exist right? Even if you never meet this man it can still be a complete betrayal of your marriage. You seem to think it's harmless, it's not.
Even if you don't care about your own marriage, show some respect for his fiance and child.

Look just turn it round in your head and imagine if your DH was doing this exact thing. How would you feel about it? If it's "angry, upset and betrayed" then stop.

How would you feel if your dh was enjoying this type of relationship with someone at work? You're playing with fire and need to stop

It's not unusual to end up with a crush on someone, especially at work where you spend a lot of time together - virtually or in person. Being married/in an LTR doesn't make you immune to this.

However, when you notice that you like someone and feel a bit of a spark with them, your marriage/LTR should automatically make you stop and think that this is not something to indulge. You stop it from developing into a crush. If you don't and you allow yourself to indulge that spark of interest, that's when it goes further and develops into spending time 121, which then develops into an emotional or physical affair...

Stop messaging. Step back. What is currently a silly crush right now needs to be nipped in the bud. How would you feel if the boot were on the other foot?

You don't really know him at all, he could be making things up to try and look good.

You are right. Trouble is for work reasons we will talk everyday anyway so it's hard to step back entirely. I've decided I won't instigate any chat from now unless it's for necessary work reasons, if he messages me (it is harmless stuff, nothing flirty or anything - just how was your evening/what's for lunch etc) I'll keep it brief. I am not a teenager and I am happily married, haven't had this feeling for 20 years not sure why it's suddenly happened with this guy but I'll keep it professional.

Everything in your original post set the alarm bells that everyone here is responding to. Your replies to them are defending yourself and your position. We all can see that you are on a slippery slope, and you aren't at the top of it. Take the rose coloured glasses off or don't, but don't lie to yourself.

You are already acting on it though, entertaining flirty conversations and talking about him online.

Edit: even if not flirty now they're private conversations. Such a slippery slope.

How do you know there is a mutual attraction if no flirting ?

But you are acting on it - the messages, flirtation, looking for permission on here.

Aside from it being a warning to you to work on your marriage and find less risky ways to feel excited/stimulated/appreciated, it's a really silly move professionally. You've only been there 6 weeks and you're spending a chunk of time creating a trail of extra-curricular messaging with one male colleague.

Everyone keeps saying about flirting, I'm not even really sure what that would mean. We talk about mundane stuff and only in work time but the mutual attraction thing - I can't explain really just a feeling.

This is what I was going to ask.

So it's either all in your head OP (that there is a mutual attraction) or you're underplaying how flirtatious the exchanges really are!

You're in a brand new job in what sounds like a male dominated environment and you're "flirting" with a male colleague, on Teams of all places.

Surely you can see this isn't going to work out well for your job or your marriage?

What do you actually want out of this thread OP? Nobody is going to say to go ahead it's all a bit of harmless fun.

What do you have in common that is "scary" OP?
Gym bunnies?
A sport?
Vegetarians?
Train spotters?
Hiking?
Favorite food is curry?
Religion?
Parents to young children (tick)
Married or in a long term relationship (tick) Work at the same place (tick)

I can't see what you could have in common that is "scary". I think that is just you trying to justify that it is OK for you to fancy this chap.

If you had the same things in common with 70 year old Gerald or Gladys would it still be scary and reason to day dream about them? Of course not. It's physical attraction - that's it.

I think just to air it out, see if anyone had similar experiences. You're all right though 100% just need to rein it in without upsetting anyone since I have to work with this guy long term.

It's difficult when it's someone you work with every day but it's not impossible.

Don't immediately respond to messages unless it's urgent and work related. Keep responses to general stuff short and vague and closed. If you are in meetings then mundane chat in the team is fine but try and avoid having 121 calls with him
If you do have to have them, keep them very short and set the agenda early - lovely to see you but I'm mega busy so it's going to need to be quick today.

You need to withdraw and stop being available. Be polite and friendly but from a distance - in the same way you'd respond to a colleague at work that you don't know.

Things grow where you water them. In this case, emotion and thought.
Stop watering someone else.

You're playing with fire and I think you know it.

Its natural to find others attractive but not to develop full blown crushes. It's a sign of something currently lacking in your life so you're using this for a bit of excitement and escape. It will fade out if you don't give it any head space and concentrate more on your marriage.

Its got worse, there was definitely flirting today and not from my side. And now we've been told we've got a team meeting and a night out coming up next year too.

OP you came to ask AIBU to enjoy this? You have been told by multiple people that you are on a slippery slope and you should shut it down for your relationship and your work sake but you seem to justify continuing in every reply. What was the point in asking if you’re not ready to hear responses.

Read up on limerence, very common experience for women 35+ knowing what you are experiencing may help you.

Don’t expect for a second that your flirt partner feels anything more for you than mild amusement and a sense of power.

Would you be happy for your husband to enjoy such a friendship with a female colleague

How would you feel if your husband had this kind of relationship with a female colleague and was thinking about her the way you think about this man?

I think you should just allow yourself to feel flattered and feel good about yourself. They are real feelings and emotions and when we've been in monogamous relationships for a long time I don't see anything wrong with that. Enjoy the warm and fuzzy glow of it.

And now you need to put those feelings in a box and move on.

Shut it down for your own sake, because all you will do is make yourself unhappy by chipping away at the bond with your husband and diminishing the value of your own family life.

Crushes are normal and a bit of daydreaming every now and then isn’t causing great harm. But when this is a real life person who you have regular interactions with, when you lean into it you automatically lean away from what you do have, which is your lovely family who you’re happy with.

@Workcrush
I’m embarrassed for you since you seem incapable of being embarrassed for yourself.
Your whole conversation here is absolutely cringe.
Christ almighty.
The work dude you’ve set your sights on would no doubt be humiliated.