AIBU to enjoy this?

[Workcrush]

I know AIBU but anyway

Recently stated a hybrid job about 6 weeks ago, all the rest of my team are remote and live 4+ hours from me. In the office I sit with similar teams so it's all good, really enjoying the role, my team and other colleagues are lovely.

BUT I'm happily married, been with my husband for 19 years (I'm 40) have 2 kids age 4 and 8. ..... and now I've got a work crush. He is a colleague on my team(same level) a few years younger than me but we have SO much in common and really get on well, similar humour and he is my type in looks (never realised I had a 'type' after being with my husband for so long and not looking at other blokes much)

We chat a fair bit and have taken to messaging each other or calling on teams a bit to chat outside of the active team group chat.

He has helped train me and so we've spent a fair bit of time together. I feel a real connection to him and an attraction but rather than shut it down and not talk to him I've let it carry on because I'll very likely never meet him in person and he has a fiancée and baby and seems really committed too. Its just a crush but AIBU to not shut it down?! I caught myself thinking about him on the way home from work yesterday which has prompted this thread as I feel guilty.

It's easy to get along online and think there's a connection. It's not real life, shut it down and forget it. X

I was once in a similar situation OP with a male colleague. I didnt actually fancy him tbh but knew he fancied me. It was nice to have a little male attention for a while and there was just abit of flirty banter. We were both in relationships but I was only 22 and probably just young and stupid. You're married with DC so this is hugely inappropriate and you know it. If this happened to me now, also married with DCs, I would immediately shut it down. My situation lasted a few weeks before he started getting a lot more flirty and I realised my relationship was far more important than abit of fun and attention. I felt so guilty and it completely taught me a lesson and nothing has ever happened like that again in 15 years.
The guy has just had a baby, its possible his relationship has taken a little knock because lets be honest that can happen with a new baby, he's probably loving the attention you're giving him. But its nothing more than that. Have some respect for your family and his. Keep it professional and shut down any flirting. Only contact him when you absolutely have to. And if you have a works night out where you have to meet in person, just smile and be polite, again in a professional manner and just speak more to the other colleagues.

That won't stop an emotional affair will it? If your husband were in your position what would you like him to do out of respect for you? If this continues down this road are you prepared to have his fiancée potentially read messeges between you and deal with the consequences of that?

Oh op, just admit you're fucking loving it. I feel bad for your family.

This post is spot on!

You are being VERY unreasonable.
Cut it out. You know it’s wrong, so get a grip.
If your DH was doing similar, you’d be livid and everyone on here would be telling you to LTB.
What’s going on with your marriage?
Why are you looking for something else, or at least open to something else?
Work on that, and stop being an idiotic school girl.

.

So what you’re saying is a man is attractive. The end.

Good to know 🙄

You do sound about 12 it is wrong if a man cheats same as a woman

No matter how you label it, physical cheating or not

It sounds like you made the op to use as a sounding board. You don't seem to think you are doing anything wrong and that's fine I guess as different people have different boundaries. Instead of unnecessary chats on teams with a colleague, I'd be inclined to focus on my work and expend that extra energy on my dh. We have young kids too but still manage to make time for each other and keep the spark alive.

@Workcrush, you’ve been indulging your crush by connecting 1:1 and building intimacy/familiarity with OM, as you have ‘SO much in common’ and share a mutual attraction. You’ve clicked, lapped up his attention, and thrown caution to the wind because you’ll never be in his presence … except now you’re going to be. A night out even.

He has begun to flirt now, and clearly believes you are up for it because of the validating buzzy dynamic you two have been investing in.

How are you going to respond to his flirting? How do you feel about spending time with him in person next year?

I feel sorry for your trusting H and OM’s fiancée. They don’t deserve to be made fools of by partners who enjoy playing with fire in EA territory.

If you can’t think of your crush as a betrayal to your DH and children, think of it as a betrayal to his fiancée. What if you allow him to be so into you with your emotional affair and SOOO much in common, that he calls off his wedding. That might sound dramatic right now, but stranger things have happened.
You have already overstepped IMO, in that you have enjoyed all the fantasy feelings of another man. You love his interest in you and have looked for all sorts of reasons to justify that.
You are right to reflect and to step right back from anything other than limited, professional, business conversations if you don’t want to damage your happy marriage and stability of your children.

I'm in the same boat. Met a guy who works for building I have an office in. I'm crushing hard - we talk, we WhatsApp (not out of work though), we have big bear hugs, we kiss on cheeks when we meet and when I leave. It's wrong - so wrong. We only see each other few times a year as I'm based elsewhere. Don't let it get to this OP - it's heartbreaking. It crushes me. I don't know if it's mutual. Knock it off OP - you'll end up like me.

I'd suggest you show your husband this thread and then you can see whether he thinks it's as harmless as you seem to think it is.

I’m going to go against the grain and say enjoy it. As long as you don’t cross boundaries there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Don’t fall into the ‘I can’t help it’ trap. You absolutely can. You’re making a choice to disrespect your marriage.

If the flirting has stepped up why can’t you professionally assert your boundaries? ‘Hi, can we try to keep conversations a bit more professional moving forward. I’m glad we all get on as a team but we’re just colleagues.’ Or whatever. Simple,

I think you’re very naive to think this is not a regular thing for him.
having things in common is not a reason to have a crush.
shut this down immediately.

How was your evening /what’s for lunch etc is crossing professional boundaries. You might not see it as flirting, but it has nothing to do with your work and you know it’s only being asked because you’re flirting together.
Keep the contact professional. Just say, I’d prefer to keep the contact professional going forward.