Aibu to impose these restrictions on kids phone

[FuzzyYellowChicken]

Ok I'm just interested to know.

Currently these are the restrictions on my 12 y/o phone and we are locked in a battle. Of course it's ultimately me who will win, but she is extremely persistent and I get tired of hearing the same thing again and again....

• It unlocks at 8.00am

(This is due to it impacting her ability to get ready for school on time, so it unlocks when she is ready for school)

• It locks at 9.30pm**

(For what I consider to be obvious reasons... Sleep)

**"it is taken out of the bedroom at night due to previous "guessing the parental control password" and "the adding 1 extra minute and turning off and on again hack"

• It has a screen time limit of 2.5 hours per day

(Again I would consider obvious reasons... Phone addiction hindering ability to be part of the real world... Messages and phone are not part of this so if she gets an "important" messages that warrants a reply then that is possible

• Only certain apps are allowed. I can control this. She is allowed WhatsApp and Roblox. She isn't allowed tiktok. I can access her whatsapp and Roblox accounts myself whenever I need to

According to her, I am "ridiculously" strict and no other kid her age has such strict parental controls.

I actually think I'm "ridiculously" lenient.

I do however notice that her peers DO seem to be on their phones after 9.30 and access apps I don't allow... So this makes me question myself. I am naturally not a very confident person either.

Anyway very interested to hear from other parents of kids aged 12-13 what their policies are and where I sit on the scale of strictness.

Does she get homework set on apps ? My kids sometimes had homework that were apps so they would have been bitter about homework taking up
screentime and would have rushed homework as a result.

Does your DD’s friends send her TikToks? If she’s allowed other SM like Snapchat then it’s not possible to monitor that because of disappearing messages. TikToks are often posted on Instagram so banning TT but allowing Insta is pretty futile.

Does she get up in the morning without drama? if not then you know that the restrictions are fine. Personally I had Friday and Saturday restrictions later but they didn’t have early morning sports clubs etc

I don’t think that you are ridiculously lenient (those parents have no internet restrictions and their kids have their phone overnight ) but it’s understandable where you’re coming from. Have you given dd an age where she can have social media ? It’s a massive time waster but if she wants it she will get it sooner rather than later and you don’t want her doing things like buying a second phone or getting a friend to give her a unused phone from their house to get around your rules. Most SM apps are for age 13+ - WhatsApp is supposed to be for older kids.

I think that you are very lenient. 2.5 hours per day is too much in my opinion. 17.5 hours of her life wasted each week dicking around on a phone. You can probably double that if you include messaging. Madness.

IME, you will battle until she is nearly 16. We resorted to a lock box for phone, ipad and laptop. It was hard parenting

Then one school holiday when she was 15, she self regulated well so I eased off and it went well. She just grew up.

You’re a lot more lenient than I am with my 12 year old. You’re allowing 20 hours a week down the drain on a phone!! There is so much more to life than that :(

Your limits are very similar to the ones I’ve set. I feel I’m overly lenient, as others say it’s a huge amount of time on the phone. But it seems the only way they communicate and he feels very excluded if he can’t join in with his friends’ chatting

Your restrictions sound like you are a great parent. Moderation is the key and absolutely overseeing everything.

As much as they protest now, when they grow up they will NEVER look back and say I wish you’d let me scroll on tiktok for hours every day.

Mine are both older now and are thankful they had moderate restrictions. They tell me they would never have self regulated because it was too addictive. Just the other day they were saying they are glad they don’t have a massive digital footprint pouting and posting stupid video’s and photos for employers to view.

Mine also were guided away from doing the unpleasant ‘rating of friends’ on WhatsApp status in the younger years. That digital
footprint is there forever, protect your children. Know everything they are doing online.

They won’t be chatting much. IME the vast majority of time spent on phones for teens is scrolling mindlessly amd being influenced down an algorithm rabbit hole. All negative which ever way you look at it.

Your restrictions are similar to my 11yr old, however she has a bit less at 2hrs a day (an hour on phone and an hour on tablet, I use family link) and they lock at 7pm. They are allowed about an hour of crappy YouTube on the lounge (so I can see what they're watching) per day which usually runs over if I'm caught up in chores 🙄

Daughter does occasionally complain but I'm holding fast (& occasionally threaten to throw a brick at the TV 😆) - as other pps have said, it's a lot of time to waste!! I do say to her too that I'm not having her look back on her tween years as being just permanently esconced in front of a screen and she'll thank me for it 🤷🏼‍♀️
Stand firm!

I had the same rules for DD at that age and was also told I’m unreasonably strict and no one else’s parents do this. I guess you must be No One Else’s parent! Nice to meet you.

No, I'm the same with my 13 year old. Family link on phone, so can't download anything unsuitable, 2.5 hours a day (3 at weekends) and phone locks at 9pm or when time is up.

Your rules are very similar to ours with our eldest.

Very similar to my rules. However, I have boys and they are not interested in TikTok or Snapchat. But they game on a ps5 or on a game pc, which also takes up extra screen time. But at least they do this with classmates so there’s some real social contact there.

Similar restrictions here for our 12 yo although WhatsApp or Roblox and screen time ends earlier. I'm always astonished that kids are allowed phones with Internet access overnight.

It makes sense. I allow my daughter to have it in the morning when getting ready as sometimes she gets ready with her friends. It's very cute.

The thing is screen time can creep up so easily and 2.5 hours sounds a lot but if she's picking it up and putting it down it won't feel like 2.5 hours sounds I'd see how that one goes and adjust as necessary. I'd also allow situations where it can be extended. When we first had the phone, her friend was going through some serious stuff and I didn't mind relaxing the limits to ensure if she was needed, she was there.

As well as sometimes getting ready together, they also play Xbox together or just sit and chat in the evening. This over the day could easily take 2 hours and not leave room for much else, such as homework apps or talking to me when I'm not there but it's safer than them being out in the dark. My point is that you should try it, adjust where required and not be black and white.

2130 seems late for it to go off to me
1900 for my 11 and 12 yos. I am toying with moving it to 1930

I think you are very much on the right lines but can you discuss with her and find some compromise together so she feels she has some say in things?

I think the biggest rule is that they need to tell you if anyone messages anything inappropriate and not to speak to people they don't know in real life. Even friends of friends.

I had a rule that I could look at DDs phone whenever I felt necessary. It's not about invading privacy, it's about keeping them safe.

We always prepare them for not talking to strangers but then those strangers have cute dogs and they forget all about it. The same is true with phones, those with vile intentions find a way to get round the rules we set and advice we offer.

I would really like to know the true picture. When I go out, I see teenagers on phones on the bus, sitting in parks on phones together, just watching videos. My DC think that I am too strict and that everyone else has no limits. I would love them to do other things but it seems to be the way things are. It’s not difficult to rack up screen time. They are constantly trying to think of exceptions that mean they are allowed access to phones. I wish I’d been stricter in the first place as I’m just ground down by it all. When I’ve tried to research into what’s appropriate all the guidance basically says to not give phones and no access to certain apps. I would really like there to be a reasonable guideline that accepts that children will try to push things and like to do things meant for older children, as has always been the case.

As a response to this I would say with family link (android) you can have "always allowed" apps, one of which is the call function so they are still able to call anyone they like - including parents/emergency services as required - at any point.... I actually also think daughter's allows texting as well so they can always communicate, just a bit old skool 😆 when she grumbles (rarely these days tbh) about not being able to take to friends i do point this out 🤷🏼‍♀️

Stick with it op.
My uni aged dc now thanks me for similar restrictions.

I have two 12 year olds.
very similar restrictions to you except downtime goes on at 8pm.
Apps have a screen time limit. No social media except what’s app. No safari unless I am in the room with them and it’s for looking up something specific.
No you tube except you tube kids unless I am supervising.
They do have loads of games and what’s app.
Apparently I’m strict but I know they have friends who’s parents are similar.
Stick your ground! Plenty of time for more phone and social media in coming years.

I don't think you are being unnecessarily strict. Having watched the bbc documentary of the recent awful "catfish" case from Newery and having intercepted messages where my 14 year old was being blackmailed to send images i am all for being cautious.

Personally, I usually find it's the parents who have never check their kids phone feeling like the parents who do are strict and controlling. 12 is very young and personally would never allow a device in their bedrooms

We’re strict too. Same as you. We struggle as adults to keep off our phones so the poor kids have no chance. We talk about it all the time, the dopamine hits it gives you etc. it means they spend more time on music practice, being silly with friends, cooking, and hanging out as a family. Good for you. They don’t know what’s good for them.

I was out for a meal the other night and was sitting next to a young nurse from work. Her phone was not only on the table but was flashing with constant notifications. I thought, what a prisoner you are. And here I am on Mumsnet rather than reading my book! What a pull they are. Mmmmm flashy lights!

Read The Anxious Generation to see what unfettered smartphone use has done and is doing to our young people. You'll be absolutely resolute in the fact you're doing the right thing. Teenager girls are most at risk from long term poor mental health through social media use and smartphone use.

You're definitely not being too strict. I wouldn't even allow use as late as 9.30 at night in order to promote better sleep hygiene.