Aibu to impose these restrictions on kids phone

[FuzzyYellowChicken]

Ok I'm just interested to know.

Currently these are the restrictions on my 12 y/o phone and we are locked in a battle. Of course it's ultimately me who will win, but she is extremely persistent and I get tired of hearing the same thing again and again....

• It unlocks at 8.00am

(This is due to it impacting her ability to get ready for school on time, so it unlocks when she is ready for school)

• It locks at 9.30pm**

(For what I consider to be obvious reasons... Sleep)

**"it is taken out of the bedroom at night due to previous "guessing the parental control password" and "the adding 1 extra minute and turning off and on again hack"

• It has a screen time limit of 2.5 hours per day

(Again I would consider obvious reasons... Phone addiction hindering ability to be part of the real world... Messages and phone are not part of this so if she gets an "important" messages that warrants a reply then that is possible

• Only certain apps are allowed. I can control this. She is allowed WhatsApp and Roblox. She isn't allowed tiktok. I can access her whatsapp and Roblox accounts myself whenever I need to

According to her, I am "ridiculously" strict and no other kid her age has such strict parental controls.

I actually think I'm "ridiculously" lenient.

I do however notice that her peers DO seem to be on their phones after 9.30 and access apps I don't allow... So this makes me question myself. I am naturally not a very confident person either.

Anyway very interested to hear from other parents of kids aged 12-13 what their policies are and where I sit on the scale of strictness.

That would not work with my children! And does seem ridiculously strict.
My kids app based homework takes more than 2.5 hours a day; that's without checking school emails etc.
An hour of that would be taken up each day using their phones to listen to music on the train to and from school each day.
What happens in an emergency if they've used up their daily amount of screen time?

Don't speak for all children - just because yours isn't sensible enough to control their own phone and social media use doesn't mean everyone's child is the same!

I’m impressed. This is good parenting

My 11 year old isn’t allowed TikTok etc he has WhatsApp but no social media what so ever. He has screen limits on all devices except his phone but it is switched off in his bag during the day and when I check on him when I go up to bed he’s fast asleep so it’s not keeping him awake, he has been told that if I catch him on it when he would be asleep he’ll have to hand it to me at night.
i do spot checks on his phone, he knows to hand it over when i ask for it. My argument is that it’s actually my old phone and i pay for it so I can look at it when i ask.
He’s been warned if he’s stupid it on it, i’ll take the iPhone and give him a nokia that has no camera/internet etc (his 10 year old brother has a Nokia as he walks to and from school himself, he’s the only one of his friends not to have some sort of smartphone.)
im told im too strict, but i don’t care 🤷‍♀️ i think at the moment ive managed to not make him too different from his friends (he’s just started high school) for him to be teased, but to also protect his mental health and avoid him being a screen zombie 🧟

These seem pretty sensible and responsible to me

My 14 year old daughter has very similar limitations on hers too and (there has been some pushback) she knows ‘them’s the rules’

Although your rules sound ok, it sounds like a very controlling atmosphere. I’d let her have it in the morning from say 6.30/7 as otherwise she hardly has any time to communicate with friends etc before school starts. She needs to feel less like it is a battle and as if she is being controlled - although phones charging and out of the bedroom from 8.30/9pm would be non negotiable for me. I also think you need to turn this on its head and make sure she is too busy enjoying doing other things so she doesn’t have so much time to be on her phone. Creating a controlling environment and a battle of wills is not good for anyone.

I think also that too much control leads to negative behaviours - eg lying, getting a spare ‘secret’ phone, and not being able to have open and honest conversations with you about important things as the years go on. Don’t make yourself the enemy. Soon she will be an adult and you will have absolutely no say whatsoever.

Very similar to the restrictions I have set on my year 8’s phone except I don’t have a screen time limit. Partly because his main use is FaceTiming friends whilst they pay d&d/lego/computer games all chatting. No different to the way I used to spend most of the time at home on the landline

Google Smartphone free childhood campaign and PAPAYA, they have loads of good data and resources to back you up. You're doing the right thing!

You're nicer than we are! No smartphone until 13! Brick only over here. My own parents were strict and I'm grateful for it, so I have no problem listening to DC complain about how terrible we are. However, they do a lot of extra curricular activities (mainly sport) so don't actually have much spare time for phones.

Read The Anxious Generation for the impact of smartphones/social media on teenagers - excellent motivation for staying strong!

Forgot to say, we have a family ipad for homework etc, so no need for phone for that.

Still, it's easier for those who can't cope to not have all their mates on there without you.

@lessglittermoremud my 10 DS has a Nokia brick phone. We are not the only ones to have such a phone, and they can perform the essentials (phone or text us) when necessary as school is out in the sticks and buses are erratic. We are in no hurry to give a smartphone, the research has shown repeatedly the effects of smartphones on young brains.

She has 4 years until she's 16 , and 6 until she's 18.

At the moment she's still a child , who needs the protection and guidance of a child.

OP can always reassess as she grows.

Don't speak for all children - just because yours isn't sensible enough to control their own phone and social media use doesn't mean everyone's child is the same!

Even sensible children can be a bit daft sometimes, because they're children and get caught up in things. They can also be groomed or exposed to unsuitable content through their mates. How sensible they are becomes irrelevant when they interact with others. You're relying on other children to be just as sensible and other parents to parent their kids properly.

Why does a 12 yr old need a smartphone?

I think that sounds very reasonable and sadly you are probablya t the stricter end of the spectrrum

as someone said above - kids are staring at TOTAL SHIT on their phones for HOURS each day. Clearly many kids have no limits - or know how to get round them - I am in a perpetual dance with my son about his phone which he seems to find ways to wriggle with all the time.

I just hate seeing my son waste time on his phone - but - he also lives in a world with other kids and i have a lot of battles to fight so im not as strict as I'd like to be.

@Thirstysue mine uses his for photos, texting, using maps and weather to plan scout jaunts, the school homework app, the calculator, google translate for revision, and FaceTiming friends. Nothing inherently wrong with smartphones for secondary age children if you restrict them appropriately.

My dd 14 gets 4 hours of screen time on her phone used to be 6 hours but currently on punishment so it got reduced. Phone unlocks at half 8 so she'll be on her way to school by then and lock's at 8.30pm. If she's behaved she can earn extra time. We don't allow Snapchat and restricted apps to her age limit. We did this because of her behaviour around the phone. She's very easily led. We had police at the door for her sending threats through Snapchat. She was using character ai so Web access has been limited. She thinks I'm far too strict but it's because she can't behave with it.

I dont think you're too strict.

My DS is only 11 (Y7) but has 45 mins a day, access to specific internet webites only, texts and Whatsapp and it locks from 8.30pm-8.30am.

I check his phone regularly and he doesn't have it in his room overnight.

No social media, no YouTube and the only game he can play is a music one. He would be on it all day if he could but he doesn't protest at the restrictions too much tbh.

No, not at all, sounds like very sensible restrictions.

On iPhone you can add limits by app so you could set limits for ones you are concerned about and allow unlimited access to others e.g. music apps or Books.

School bus ticket.
School homework /time table app plus all the other websites/apps for homework and research.
A couple of games. She's raising about 15 pets atm with her friends.

Calling with her friends and they game/play together.

Life 360 (for going out /school)

Pay for stuff (shopping, tube etc)

Word of warning, that doesn't work at all well. I tried it, it still let them use the app past the time restriction and they don't know the passcode nor can they change the time settings either.

My children would say the same. I do not care. I'm happy to be the 'bad guy'. Sometimes that is parenting.

We have downtime at 8pm so there is a screen free hour before bed.

I use Parent Shield, Apple and Google to set all the 'limits'.

No social media is a hard line.