Mum won't spend Xmas with me

[rainingitspouring2]

I am married 2 children under 4. I am estranged from my father in recent years as a narcissist and a drunk. My DB lives alone and has mental health. He also has some legal stuff going on right now. My DM has told me she won't be spending Xmas with me if my brother can't come too. Due to his mental health and nature of his legal issues I don't feel comfortable as I want to focus on creating a calm happy space for my toddlers to enjoy the most special and exciting day of the year for them. They are so excited. She said he can't be alone on Xmas. She has never spent Xmas with my children ever. Or me for that matter for a long time. AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time. Or AIBU for not inviting my brother?

I totally understand you wanting to create a safe and happy Christmas for your children - however that's what your mum is doing too, by spending Christmas with your brother who is struggling.

Kindly if you have two under 4, they're unlikely to remember the ins and outs of who was there for what Christmas - I would concentrate on making it special for them and hope that you can spend it with wider family in the future?

He is her child, of course she doesn’t want him to be alone at Christmas.

Your children are the centre of your world, not necessarily hers.

I have a DB with mental health issues, my DM would never leave him alone at Christmas, when she knows my other brothers and I all have our families.

Try seeing it from your DMs point of view.

She’s kind of stuck in the middle, isn’t she? Whatever he is/has done wrong you must be able to understand her not wanting to leave him on his own, he’s her child. She’s choosing him because she knows you won’t be on your own if she doesn’t come. Families and Christmas - sometimes it’s just not easy! Mine isn’t.

Your mum doesn’t want her DC to be alone, I can understand that.

Has she picked him over you his whole life?

Why can’t she spend Christmas Day with him, and come to you the day before or day after?

She's taking care of her child the same way you are yours. Of course she doesn't want him to be alone. I imagine she would not enjoy Christmas knowing he was on his own struggling with his mental health.

Your DM has chosen to spend time with the offspring she feels needs her most - it's not your DBs fault that he has MH issues.
She's given you the option that you can invite him too - but clearly feels she doesn't want to leave him on his own. You have your own family - it's not as if she's leaving you on your own in a grotty bedsit. You can either choose to spend the day just with your immediate family - or extended family including DB.

Just because you think your toddlers are delightful, she might want a more peaceful day.

of course she won’t want to leave her DS by himself at Christmas whilst struggling with mental health issues.

Kindly, I’m on your Mum’s side & I would do exactly the same as her. No way would I leave anyone out, especially one that was struggling with MH issues.

Of course she doesn’t want to leave your brother on his own. Don’t be so selfish.

Where's your husband's family? Can you spend Christmas with them if you are insisting on extended family around at Christmas?

Your mum isn't unreasonable, your brother doesn't have anyone else, you have a husband and your children. Not everyone wants to spend Christmas with two excited toddlers either.

I feel like this may be the trigger. As it feels this way. Definitely a favourite as children as compliant and since young adulthood as he struggled socially and I didn't.

I've given my head a bit of a wobble as I do get it. I'm just frustrated.

I feel like I've lost a mum because Im 'ok' and 'get on with things' yes I have family that I've worked hard to achieve and sustain but it means I don't get to spend time with my mum because my DB isn't capable of building these same relationships. It just feels unfair and like there is no space for me. Whenever I go to her with an issue which isn't often she says 'not you too I've only got so much space for this kind of thing.' So I feel she has chosen to support him fully and the consequence means there is nothing leftover for me.

You wouldn't want to leave your child all alone at Christmas, and she doesn't want to leave hers.
Why can't you accommodate both of them? It might be good for him.

I think it’s completely understandable that you’re disappointed that you won’t get to spend Christmas with your mum, but I entirely see her point of view too. You’ll be with your husband and children on Christmas Day. She would find it hard to enjoy herself knowing her son was alone with poor mental health.

I don’t know whether your brother’s legal issues mean he’s not a safe person to be around your children and it’s totally your choice whether to invite him. But I think you need to make peace with the fact that if it’s not possible for him to be there, your mum likely won’t be there either. I would consider alternatives like having her for a nice lunch and presents between Christmas and new year. Christmas isn’t just about the day itself, you can still have a lovely time celebrating with her in the week surrounding the 25th.

Expecting a mother to leave her child alone at Christmas, to spend time with a group of people who have each other, is incredibly cold. The fact that he has mental health issues makes it worse!

I can kind if see your point but I wouldn't leave a fragile child on their own for Christmas.

(As in, why do you want to be so cruel to a vulnerable person?)

He isn't a child he is late 30's. And yes his legal issues means there is an element of safety.

YABU for expecting your mum to leave one of her children alone on Christmas Day.

Just to add. In previous years he hasn't turned up at Xmas day when invited. At my home and others. Or we haven't heard from him. Not always the case but it has happened.

He's still her child. But there is clearly more going on here, and I do feel for you for that. It's not easy being the the one in the family just to have to get on with things. Speak to your mum at a less emotionally-charged time about how you need her, too?

I can understand your resentment and hurt with an upbringing like that, if she was fairer overall I don't think you'd feel like this over her stance for Christmas.

I understand where you are coming from. Therapy may help grieve the mom you deserve and accept (on your terms) the one you have.

Yes but he's her child!