Mum won't spend Xmas with me

[rainingitspouring2]

I am married 2 children under 4. I am estranged from my father in recent years as a narcissist and a drunk. My DB lives alone and has mental health. He also has some legal stuff going on right now. My DM has told me she won't be spending Xmas with me if my brother can't come too. Due to his mental health and nature of his legal issues I don't feel comfortable as I want to focus on creating a calm happy space for my toddlers to enjoy the most special and exciting day of the year for them. They are so excited. She said he can't be alone on Xmas. She has never spent Xmas with my children ever. Or me for that matter for a long time. AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time. Or AIBU for not inviting my brother?

It doesn't sound like she won't spend Christmas with you.

It sounds like you won't spend Christmas with your brother.

While your reasons are valid, you are forcing her hand, and she is, rightly imo, prioritising her son who has issues, rather than the daughter that is making her choose and is spending Christmas with her husband and children.

We only used to have our grandparents around on Boxing day for tea op, and still did all those things, as they brought gifts with them so it just extended the Christmas excitement by another day. Can't you arrange this for your mum to take the pressure off you both?

Yeah I guess so

Be generous. I doubt she truly prefers to spend Christmas Day alone with your troubled brother. She’s doing it so he isn’t alone and is safe. You definitely aren’t alone.

Just ask when she will be available and create a Granny Christmas Tea or Lunch with presents etc.

If his legal issues impact the safety of your children such as potential child pornography or abuse then you ABSOLUTELY keep him away. If his issues will not impact your children consider it. If it's more about his stability and if he causes a risk of harm to his self then I would not want him on his own. Without context of the legal issues it's hard to judge.

Your poor mum. Her Christmas isn't going to be much fun is it? Especially if your brother is unwell or decides to withdraw from the day. It must be very difficult to be duty bound to be there for her son when she could be having a lovely day with you and her grandchildren if that wasn't the case. She must spend so much of her life worrying and compromising her own wishes to do right by him. Try and have a little empathy for her and feel sorry for her she can't be there. And as PP have said, do something nice with her another day. She'll deserve it.

Whenever I go to her with an issue which isn't often she says 'not you too I've only got so much space for this kind of thing.'

That's really shit @rainingitspouring2 I'd feel pissed off too. We all need our mums sometimes. .

It depends what the legal issues are, which only you know and you don't need to tell us.
I knew a woman who had a golden man child who was put above his siblings in this way even though his legal issue was abusing his little sister. In that one I understood the sister being pissed off at coming last.

It's very difficult being in your position and I understand your desire to be chosen for a change because no matter how old we get or how well we cope, we would still like to see our mum on Christmas day.

The OP hasn't answered the question about what she would do if a similar situation arose with her own adult children. I'm sure her Mum would have a more enjoyable day with her and her children but she is doing what she feels she needs to do.

I have been you with my darling Mum dealing with a brother who had MH issues thanks to smoking weed all his adult years ...but he was unpleasant with it .
I am also the Mother of a son who definitely needs me more so than my other 2 and I worry desperately about him.
He would take priority over the my other lovely children in your situation.
They would understand and not be resentful.
They also really care about their brother because he is a lovely but complicated guy .

Just concentrate on your children and husband. They are your family now and no one else matters. Enjoy spending time with them and let anyone who doesn't want to be with you jog on.

You don't have to invite him but it's perfectly reasonable for her to spend Christmas with her son when he is going through a difficult time.

I worked for years as part of a charity, with siblings of children with severe disabilities and mental health issues. The project was run because siblings often end up feeling sidelined by parents whose time is completely taken up with looking after the sibling.

To this day, it’s hard to see any real answer; it’s natural the parents effort is diverted where they feel it’s needed most (and it’s often fundamental help), but I completely understand the effect on the siblings. It follows to adulthood. Sympathies. OP

Wow you sound horribly selfish. Why would you want your brother to be left alone on Xmas day?

No she doesn't, she sounds like a person that has been sidelined her whole life and wants to enjoy a Christmas with her mother for once, perfectly understandable and guess what?
Not everyone with MH issues is lovely and kind! Her brother could be a complete areshole but still gets preferential treatment.

I’m not suggesting her brother is compassionate and kind, as clearly, I’ve never met him.

However, I do think it’s quite selfish to expect your mother to spend Christmas Day with you and leave her vulnerable son alone? Are you aware that suicide & self harm rates increase over the festive period?