Mum won't spend Xmas with me

[rainingitspouring2]

I am married 2 children under 4. I am estranged from my father in recent years as a narcissist and a drunk. My DB lives alone and has mental health. He also has some legal stuff going on right now. My DM has told me she won't be spending Xmas with me if my brother can't come too. Due to his mental health and nature of his legal issues I don't feel comfortable as I want to focus on creating a calm happy space for my toddlers to enjoy the most special and exciting day of the year for them. They are so excited. She said he can't be alone on Xmas. She has never spent Xmas with my children ever. Or me for that matter for a long time. AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time. Or AIBU for not inviting my brother?

A family member with mental health issues changes the whole family dynamic. I understand this because I am in the same dynamic and I know it’s not easy.

Your poor DM has been dealing with and the pain of watching your adult child suffer their whole lives is unbearable.

At the same time you and any siblings have dealt with always having your DB suck up most of the parental attention. That’s not going to change and it’s best to make your peace with it and be thankful that you are doing well

I have almost this exact scenario with my mum. It’s absolutely shit. Brother also in his late thirties still living at home with her. Not much you can do. It does hurt though

Course it's not fair but I'm sure you wouldn't want to trade places with him. You've got your own children to be with. It'd be awful for her to leave him alone. Try to be more understanding and not put pressure on her. She can't be in both places at once and you're genuinely going to be fine without her.

If it was me, I would want my mum to spend the christmas with my vulnerable brother, who is struggling.

Can you do christmas eve or boxing day with her instead? Or if she is loval and will be home at some point thay day you could take your little ones for an hour or two.

YANBU in not inviting your brother but being very unreasonable in relation to your mother - right now she needs to be with your brother.

AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time.

That sounds very petulant.

You're the mother of two - one day you might find yourself similarly torn.

so in say 30 years time one of your kids doesnt want to invite the other to something but wants you to come along leaving them alone, what do you do?

I know she's favoured him which is really hurtful but in this case she's done you a favour. The last thing you need is your brother turning up.

Can you make Boxing Day the day she comes round for a special meal?

I don't think you are being unreasonable if the legal stuff your DB has going on means protecting the safety of your family. Honestly that isn't selfish of you. I've had to stand up for my children with family It's really hard as you want your family but want your children to have that safe space.

Your DM doesnt want her vulnerable (adult) child on his own at Christmas, its the same situation your protecting your children and she is protecting hers. I think sometimes for our own peace of minds we have to concentrate on the reality rather than the what should be and try looking at the situation through the eyes of others and their feelings. It helps as things are not always as they seem.

Compromise may be needed here.

She is doing the same as you it is not all about you and what you have decided she has to do

Yanbu in deciding to create the space you want for Xmas with your kids but yabu in expecting your dm to leave your brother with mental health issues alone, and you're putting your dm in a difficult position. You won't be alone, as you have LO. I appreciate it's a tough situation but I can totally see your DM point

It's not petulant, it's years of built up feeling coming to a head. It's years of "getting on with it" while all attention goes on a sibling. It doesn't matter if logically you can see why and know they need the support, it still really hurts that it means there's basically nothing leftover for you. It's ok for op to be sad she's missing out on family support and nice moments with her mum enjoying grandchildren that others probably take for granted. It's a mess of sadness, frustration, resentment and guilt for even having those feelings.

Also, let's face it, when the op's mum needs support as she ages, who do you think will be expected to "get on with it" and do all the practical and emotional supporting there? Because it sure as hell won't be the brother.

YANBU to choose who you want to spend Christmas with. However, your DM is also NBU to want to be with her child on Christmas especially if he's going to be alone.

I don't know how your relationship is with your brother. I'm quite close with my brother and would not want him to be by himself for Christmas and vice versa.

Hes her child

Of course she won't leave him alone with his MH issues on Christmas Day

You have the opportunity to make lovely Christmas memories with your children

Concentrate on that

You're married with two kids and you'll have a family Christmas whether your mum's there or not.

Your brother has nobody. It's completely understandable that your mum would choose the child who would otherwise be entirely alone on Christmas Day over the child who will have her husband and children with her.

YABU.

She couldn't leave one of her (adult) children alone to be with her other child who has a husband and 2 kids. That would be really horrible. The only way she could spend it with you is by bringing him. If that can't happen there isn't any other option but for her to spend it with him.

OP, If one of your children (when all grown up) was happy and settled with their own family, and the other was struggling with mental health and would be alone on Christmas, what would you do as their mum? How would you navigate that and who would you prioritise?

I would think you would be proud, and grateful that one of your children was ok, and prioritise the one that isn’t, as they need you the most and don’t have other support (their own family)
You wouldn’t want your child to be sat alone (especially on Christmas Day)

It sucks for the one that’s doing ok, but unfortunately that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

@rainingitspouring2 It might not be bro's fault that he has mental health problems but it is bro's fault that he is having legal problems and it is those problems which are worrying OP. You say mum has never spent christmas with your kids? that is a loss which she might live to regret. the golden child will always win, sorry. do you have a friend who also has no one to spend time with? invite them along and make a day of it for the kids. have a good christmas x

My DB has recently gone socially beyond his unpleasant selfish behaviour to the point it can no longer be fobbed off withall the normal golden child excuses.
I have voiced my strong boundaries - that is not my journey, is he thinking about you? Type stuff and finally my mum is getting it but ultimately she will always pick him for time, money, attention.
I think once I got over the disappointment that my children wouldn't be the centre of her world it got better. My kids are really adored by friends, teachers which has grown slowly over the years. Don't force it, it will happen.

“AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time”

This feels like it’s an answer to the wrong question.

Sounds like mum would spend Christmas with both of you but won't leave one alone at the request of the other. I expect it would be same if he refused to spend Christmas with you.

It is not unreasonable of you to not spend time with him if not safe/sensible for your children. Instead if being annoyed i would plan a Christmassy day with your mum and kids on Christmas eve or boxing day.

It is frustrating and unfair, it sucks. You can understand and get why they're doing it, but it still hurts. I've been dealing with this all my life,
Both my siblings have had mental health problems, I've always been the one to look after everyone, support DM. I wouldn't begrudge Christmas day, but the feeling isn't just about that one day. My DM has taken enabling my brother to ridiculous levels and then they both want me to listen while they complain about each other, DB think DM is controlling, DM complains DB isn't grateful, uses her for money and is lazy. I don't engage anymore. I know why DM is doing what she is, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it is what it is unfortunately . We're seeing more of DM currently but only because my DB has taken himself off again until he runs out of money and I know if he turns up again she'll drop us, which stings, especially when it hurts my DC. I know too if DM ever needs care that will fall to me.

I've also been on the other side of it with my 3 DC all having SN and sometimes I think similar to what she said, but it's not aimed at my kids. Sometimes I sigh or say something under my breath, like for gods sake, it slips out and I hate myself for it, but it's aimed at life and God and myself and my useless ex, not my kids. You may find if you could see into her mind and heart that part of this is her regreting not having the capacity for more, I know I regret that and I hate that I can't fix everyone for my kids.

Because everyone's been brainwashed into thinking they have tospend 25 Dec with others, whether they want too or not. There are 354 other days of the year.

I think what people are missing here is that people with mental health problems can still be selfish and awful. It’s very hard when a parent keeps on choosing them over you

Thank you for understanding and summing it all up so well 😔

I think that's it. I get put to the side 365 days a year. I accept that and rarely if ever complain. But I guess Christmas when I know my kids would absolutely adore sitting on their nanny's lap opening presents and having an extra person to have around the table and play games with would mean so much to me and feel like my little slice of home. It highlights to me how upsetting I do find it.