Mum expects me to take care of her in old age, I don’t want to AIBU?

[AdvicePleaseHelp]

My Mum was horrible to me growing up, a bad Mum. There were a lot of problems in the family home, emotional and mental abuse and an alcoholic Dad. I was a child that reacted to this but all the family issues were placed squarely on my shoulders. She neglected me badly enough for it to be led to bullying and it was just horrible.

She lies to herself about how horrible it was and how horrible she was to me and believes her own lies.

We recently had a conversation about care homes, (we pretend that I didn’t have the childhood I did) and I said I had no intentions to look after anyone in their old age (I’m much harder to bully these days) she looked genuinely surprised and said ‘I thought you would look after me’ instead of her going into a home, I said it’s not something I want to go through.

So, considering we brush past the past AIBU, should I be helping my Mum when she gets old and provide the care for her she never gave me so she doesn’t go into a home?

Just to add - I’m currently working on going lower & lower contact with her but when you’ve grown up and this has been your normal and all of a sudden realise as an adult how fucked up that was it’s incredibly hard to just go NC when it’s never been an issue before and many other family members would be greatly affected.

My dh (we dont live together) moved his elderly mum into his house a few years ago....she is now chair and bed bound and he is heading for a heart attack...dont do it !!!

My mother was extremely difficult to live with when I was growing up. As the oldest child, I got the worst of it and, as the oldest child, I know I am the one she will want to be most involved when she can no longer look after herself. I don't think she expects to live with me but if she does, she will be disappointed. But I won't discuss it until necessary.
We're not actually low contact. We live 3 hours away from each other but I speak to her on the phone at the same time every week. And although that's not actually LC, we are low contact in my head. I natter on to her about her life, the lives of her neighbours, the news etc. She barely ever asks me about my life and, if she does, I give minimum information and change the subject. I really don't think she even notices. I think in her mind, we're close.
By speaking to her at the same time every week, I manage my own feelings about contact and she takes up very little room in my mind anymore. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And I am pretty indifferent these days. I will be genuinely curious to see if I feel grief when she dies. I suspect I won't.

My dh and adult kids know I don't want to be cared for by them. I have a chronic condition that as soon as it or anything else starts to impact my life that that I am going to kill myself before things become difficult.
Dh and kids know this and I have the means for a peaceful demise. I am probably being selfish but it would be selfish to rely on others when I am going senile or doubly incontinent.

I won't be doing it either, OP. My childhood was also pretty difficult - my parents already stole my childhood. I'm not giving them any more of my life. Father was a vile bully (domestic violence, drug use and coercive control). I was NC with him from my late teens until he died. I'm LC with my mother and have been for a long time. She wasn't awful in the way that he was, but in adulthood it's became apparent to me that she wasn't a good parent either, very self-involved, using me to fix problems she didn't want to deal with and emotionally prop her up. A few months ago we were talking about my childhood and I told her that my plan had been to get through school, go to uni and then basically cut contact with them and disappear. She was utterly shocked. I couldn't believe that she'd thought I would put up with that shit for the rest of my life. Or, more likely, that she'd never thought about me at all beyond when she wanted something from me. But you can't give someone a horrendous childhood and expect to have a good adult relationship with them.

The person who needs the most convincing will be you. Once you've made that decision and come to terms with it, it will be much easier to say no to any external parties who may expect you to do it further down the line.

I also recommend therapy (I've recently had a long spell of CBT to thrash this out). Just having someone to talk to freely, who is unconnected to the situation and doesn't have their own agenda, has been really helpful.

I definitely meant wont be helping, I assume that’s obvious given the theme of the thread 😂, sorry typo.

No, they are female.

@LovingBiscuit That was really helpful thank you.

Same. If I can no longer care for myself I'd expect to go to live in a care home.

Mine aren't grown up yet but I'd rather they lived their own lives then looked after me too. I'll probably have to fight convincing my DD though.

Unfortunately dementia comes along though. And all of a sudden, entirely sensible people retreat into a child like state where they expect their daughters to take care of them (presumably this does also happen with sons). It's an utter nightmare and the problem is, you aren't prepared for it because you never had it on the agenda.

You have your own life to lead. Children don't owe their parents to care for them.

So do their personalities change then, and go from not wanting care to expecting it? Because I have heard from friends that reasonable parents have this with dementia or just very old age.

Yes, I noticed that too. It's because loving parents don't want their DC to sacrifice themselves.

Same. If, heaven forbid, I ever get to the stage where I can’t look after myself, they have strict instructions to find me a reasonable care home - and not to feel remotely guilty about it.
I’ve had far too much experience of elderly care, both with and without dementia, to wish ANY of that on my dds.

From experience, some old people who weren’t noticeably selfish before, can become intensely self centred and demanding, and cease to consider anyone else’s time or wishes. And that’s without dementia in the mix!

They need care but either don't want to pay for it or don't want strangers coming into the house.

As for social services.......
DM had a visit and told the social services that she didn't need carers as I would do it all. The SW then called me to tell me what I should be doing in the vein of four visits a day etc. I was working part time to fit round the children SW said that I could give up my job as I would be entitled to carers allowance at around £40 at the time (I said what - a day - no it was a fecking week) she felt it would be best not to take the children when I went to do the personal care in the evenings (too young to leave home alone).
I couldn't go back to being controlled by "D"M so OP set the limits now

That SW didn't sound like she was living in the real world!

YANBU.

In my family we do look after our elders, I would never want someone else looking after my DM (having seen the inside of many UK care homes I wouldn't leave my dog there).

But that is because she did such a good job of looking after us. I have many happy memories of childhood when older relatives lived with us in their twilight years. I want the same for my dc, and hopefully if I do a good job they will want to look after me too.

If you are the kind of family that isn't used to living together, or if you have bad memories and relationships then it is best to stay apart.

I am at the stage of having elderly parents as are a lot of my friends. Most of us have parents from their late 70's to 80's. Some of them are showing signs of physical or cognitive decline also. I have seen several friends dealing with elderly parents who either needed serious amounts of care to stay living at home or had to go into a nursing home due to either high care needs or Alzheimer's. I have seen how my friends were physically and mentally drained dealing with this until the parent either went into a nursing home or died.

I have one friend who has been stepping back with her mother over the past few years. She has told her mother I don't know anything about X or y but a,b ( other family members) might be able to help her. She spent years looking up stuff on-line, helping with forms and sorting out things. My friend was left to deal with a lot on her own. When she told her mother what was happening on several different occasions her mother's attitude was so what. Along with this her mother has been verbally abusive and has lied to her on several occasions.

Recently my friend found out something about her mother and it was the last straw.
My friend has had enough of her behaviour. She is making plans so she won't be as available for care when the time comes.

I think it's a thing -- some of the worst things parents do and also the medium awful stuff is because they think of their children as their posessions. It makes sense that they would expect them to still be under their control.

No you are not BU. But as others have counseled just keep it noncommittal if she brings it up again as it's unlikely to be an option anyway.
Unless you can afford not to work and to buy all the hoists and pressure relief mattresses and gear needed to nurse someone quite unwell. Not to mention assisted bathing and room for all the stuff.
If she means when she gets a bit frail will you be running around taking her shopping and to appointments then you just need to make it clear when those requests start that it isn't an option.
Keep going more LC each year.

I have a great relationship with my mum and have already told her I will not be a carer in her old age. I want to make sure she is cared for well, in a home she likes but that is close enough for me to visit, without the burden of day to day care falling on me. She understands and accepts that, and as I say, we are very close and have not had any of the issues in our relationship that you describe.

So no, I don't think you are unreasonable, but I know a lot of people will think I'm heartless and selfish for the way I've told my mum what I will or will not take on, so there's bound to be people who think you're in the wrong too.

My Mother said years ago that she would happily go into a care home if necessary but told me that my Dad won't. Although neither parent is awful I think my Mother would be easier to care for in her own home than my Dad would. He can be a pain in the arse with his lifelong "funny little ways" because I think he could be autistic.

35 years ago my mother was emotionally blackmailed by her mother into helping care for her - my grandmother had emotionally blackmailed 3 of my uncles to never leave home after my grandfather died and they provided the majority of the care - however for things like washing etc, my mother was expected to do it.

I remember my mother saying to myself and my younger brother at the time that she didn't expect us to do the same for her, she'd willingingly go into a care home if need be, etc...both my parents are narcs, both were dreadful parents and myself and my two brothers had very difficult childhoods.

35 years on, and who is now my mother's carer? My younger brother. I escaped to the far side of the world and have barely been back since, however my younger brother has now move in with my mother and receives the Australian equivalent of carer's allowance. I think he's insane, but it's up to him. I don't feel guilty about it at all, I always made it clear to my mother that there was more chance of me going to the Moon than becoming anyone's carer.

In this family we’ve had my DM, my FiL, and an aunt - all with dementia, in care homes, once they needed the sort of 24/7 care and supervision that couldn’t be provided any other way.
All the care homes were lovely, and were not by any means the most expensive. We did visit quite a few and choose carefully, though.

I'm sorry@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER, I didn't mean to upset anyone with relatives in care homes. (English is not my first language I know I can come across as too blunt, in person and writing)

I'm sure some care homes are actually lovely. But an awful lot just appear lovely to visitors and family. My work took me to many, and seeing it from the staff side was a real eye opener.

The staff were usually very underpaid even if the care home looks posh, and they are often just in it for the pay check (because you can often walk into any care job, they are that desperate for staff). Though many of them were great at talking a good job with family, then being lazy and careless with residents, sometimes even cruel.

Though perhaps I just encountered a very unlucky sample.