Mum expects me to take care of her in old age, I don’t want to AIBU?

[AdvicePleaseHelp]

My Mum was horrible to me growing up, a bad Mum. There were a lot of problems in the family home, emotional and mental abuse and an alcoholic Dad. I was a child that reacted to this but all the family issues were placed squarely on my shoulders. She neglected me badly enough for it to be led to bullying and it was just horrible.

She lies to herself about how horrible it was and how horrible she was to me and believes her own lies.

We recently had a conversation about care homes, (we pretend that I didn’t have the childhood I did) and I said I had no intentions to look after anyone in their old age (I’m much harder to bully these days) she looked genuinely surprised and said ‘I thought you would look after me’ instead of her going into a home, I said it’s not something I want to go through.

So, considering we brush past the past AIBU, should I be helping my Mum when she gets old and provide the care for her she never gave me so she doesn’t go into a home?

Just to add - I’m currently working on going lower & lower contact with her but when you’ve grown up and this has been your normal and all of a sudden realise as an adult how fucked up that was it’s incredibly hard to just go NC when it’s never been an issue before and many other family members would be greatly affected.

Agree with other PPs here - you are under no obligation to look after your mum. I adore my kids and may not have been the most perfect parent even though I have tried my damnedest… but I am very clear that I do not want them taking on my care when I get there. I am hoping they will be too busy with careers, kids, partners and living the life I raised them to want - not escorting me to a downstairs commode.

One thing I've noticed reading multiple threads such as this. It seems the worse the parent, the more they expect to be taken care of by their children in old age.
Has anyone else noticed that pattern? Is it really a thing or am I just seeing something that isn't there?

I would just reassure her that you will do what you think is best for her ie try and ensure she has an ok nursing home or good package of care that does not mean you do any of the caring yourself
As many others have already said even though I’m very close to my DC I wouldn’t expect more - they have their own lives to lead x I’ve had mine

Good for you. I don’t think she deserves you running around sorting nice carers out.

I had no desire to do personal care for my mother - she had been controlling for my entire life but until I married and got to know my mother in law I thought that was normal. She had not looked after her parents (had left it all to her sister). I got a lot of "I didn't think you would treat me like this" " you think more of your DH and children than you do of me"
OP - think carefully before you get pressured into caring for her

My mum was similar. Adult children giving back to their parents is all very well if they were decent parents, but if I gave back to my mum what she gave to me as a child it would involve me hitting and emotionally abusing her. Not a good idea, so I'll pass up thanks.

Well. Just be prepared for Social Work to try and manipulate you into caring. It happened to me. My father was neglectful, swanned off for many years, came into my life erratically (probs only because I kept the door open sending birthday/Xmas/postcards/ photos of his grandchildren he made no effort to see) then he got dementia, his "girlfriend" of 25 years aggressively phoned me and said he was my problem and she wasn't going to help. I am a helpful person so I got sucked into care role. I made sure he was well cared for because it's in my caring nature but it almost broke me and I wouldn't do it again if I could turn back the clock. I think it was the "I feel bad about this" comment you made that prompted me to say, if you want to care, do; if you don't, it's not on you

if she brings it up again, turn the conversation around to the assisted dying bill.
She'll stop bringing it up.

Thank you for this.

I think I’m going to have therapy for the things that happened on my childhood.

As I said I’m not as easy to bully any more. If SS come knocking it will be a firm no.

😂😂

I actually might!!

Interesting!!

Yes, I love my kids and they love me but if/when the time comes, they can put me in a home, I don't expect either of them to give up their life for me.

@Kendodd

Because they are selfish and only ever think about themselves . They are hugely self unaware . Good parents don't want to burden their children with their care needs and make provision .

Narcissism I guess - they literally think they should be the centre of everyone's world and can't see the faults in their behaviour.

YANBU. Sorry can't vote on my mobile. I've have actually gone Nc with my mum this year. I know that's drastic but I wish I had done it years ago. Beginning of 2023 my step dad was very poorly and I was in the hospital with him daily morning till midnight. They didn't know what was wrong with him. One thought was cancer but his organs seem to be shutting down. I had a panic thinking I could never look after my mum. She was hell as a child. It's all very much like your relationship with your mum. She thinks she was a perfect parent and tells everyone that. But most know. I didn't cut contact with her for that reason. She turned on my eldest daughter and the timing was just right. I'd had enough and I was done. My step dad obviously got better after the right treatment and he's now back being her slave. I have a step brother and it's his turn. I can't do it and I won't do it. I'm sure if my step dad goes before her which is likely as he's 10 years older then family will put pressure on me but I would rather chew my foot off than step back foot in that house again. So please think about what your future would be like. If I had a lovely mum then no chance would she go into a home and I would think it's just the natural way in life and enjoy her final years etc etc. But not this woman. No way. Sorry for the long reply! Xxxxx

Does my head in when old people say "don't put me in a home" or similarly, adult children say "Oh I love my mum, I'd NEVER put her in a home".

Quite simply, you have no idea what is around the corner. I "put my dad in a home" not because he was a shit father and I didn't love him, he was a brilliant dad and we all loved him a lot. But caring for someone is a full time job, especially someone who has dementia, is confused, frightened and paranoid, up all night, can't dress themselves or remember to eat.

It is not unreasonable to say that you are not up for that level of caring, whatever the relationship you have with the parent.

Right. I became a strong woman after my neglectful childhood but still got coerced into care for my father. Just so you know and can guard against in case it comes to it and you don't want to do it.

Yes. My own mum is the loveliest loveliest person and she says to me she wouldn't want me or my sister to look after her, she wouldn't want to put that on us. But she is wonderful and has given us so much, we would want to give back to her. But the opposite seems to be true as well, bad parents feel they are owed care somehow when they never gave it themselves.

Live your life OP, you don't owe anything and your care cannot be demanded or taken for granted. Well, it can be demanded but that doesn't mean you have to give it

You're definitely not unreasonable OP and you need to do whatever it takes to protect your own mental wellbeing and if that means being no contact then that's what you need to do.

And I can't speak for other local councils but I work in Older adults social work and there's certainly no manipulation of getting family members into taking on caring roles they either are unable to or don't want to. We understand family relationships are complex and I work with many people who are estranged from children. Certainly from my own professional stand point, I'd never look to meddle in family relationships or force people who had traumatic and complex relationships with their parents into maintaining contact or being involved where they don't want to be. I can't speak for everyone but not of all of us are manipulating bullies!

I would agree. My father had an expectation after neglecting me in childhood then ignoring me for many years that it was my duty to "care for him". And I did. I should have just resisted but it was difficult as a 60s baby brought up to "do" for others. Meanwhile, I made sacrifices so my DC were first in family to go to Uni and both are professionals. The last thing I would ever want is them to be forced into a care role. I want them to have a good life.

I’ve already told my kids, don’t any of you be giving up careers to care for me, ill be happy in a home as long as I get regular cups of tea and people to chat to. For their dad might be harder, as in his culture you don’t put your elderly relative in a home. Though for ex MIL not sure who would look after her given she’s burned her bridges with al her DIL’s. I’m the only one she’s never fell out with or been rude to, but sorry but nope, not my problem!

You take exactly the same amount of care of her as she took of you - which sounds like virtually none at all.

You don't owe her anything. She hasn't exactly earned it has she?

Go NC @AdvicePleaseHelp your future self will thank you for it. Then go get the therapy. It will work so much better when the cause of it is no longer causing new trauma/guilt.

You owe her nothing. You owe yourself everything.

Some parents are completely lovely but it still isn't possible for their adult children to care for them. I am hoping I will be able to do so for my wonderful parents but I also accept that elderly care can be a job best left to professionals, depending on the specifics.

In your case, not a hope should you have to do it.

i love my parents to bits and they were great parents but I won’t be properly caring for them and they wouldn’t expect me too.

You should have no qualms about saying no!