Mum expects me to take care of her in old age, I don’t want to AIBU?

[AdvicePleaseHelp]

My Mum was horrible to me growing up, a bad Mum. There were a lot of problems in the family home, emotional and mental abuse and an alcoholic Dad. I was a child that reacted to this but all the family issues were placed squarely on my shoulders. She neglected me badly enough for it to be led to bullying and it was just horrible.

She lies to herself about how horrible it was and how horrible she was to me and believes her own lies.

We recently had a conversation about care homes, (we pretend that I didn’t have the childhood I did) and I said I had no intentions to look after anyone in their old age (I’m much harder to bully these days) she looked genuinely surprised and said ‘I thought you would look after me’ instead of her going into a home, I said it’s not something I want to go through.

So, considering we brush past the past AIBU, should I be helping my Mum when she gets old and provide the care for her she never gave me so she doesn’t go into a home?

Just to add - I’m currently working on going lower & lower contact with her but when you’ve grown up and this has been your normal and all of a sudden realise as an adult how fucked up that was it’s incredibly hard to just go NC when it’s never been an issue before and many other family members would be greatly affected.

Even if she'd been the best mum in the world you shouldn't feel obliged to provide care. People talk about it like its just another act of family love. It really isn't. Its a full time skilled job that takes over your life and is physically and emotionally draining and should never be requested or promised lightly, regardless of the relationship. So whatever your history you would not be unreasonable. If I were you I wouldn't make a big deal of it one way or the other right now as it will lead to upset, drama and her blaming and upsetting you. Which is pointless as theres not even any knowing what the future will bring, and if your mum will even need care. The majority of people don't. So my advice keep off the subject altogether. Focus on the here and now and getting your contact with your mum down to a level you are comfortable with.

No! Fuck that. She sounds horrible. I’d feel no guilt either.

If it comes again, either from her or other family say "I would give you/her the same level of care you/she gave me but sadly that would be abuse and I would end up in prison. So shall we drop this now?"

This thread certainly gives food for thought! We'll all be in that boat one day.

Oh and should add @AdvicePleaseHelp as the daughter of a mother who totally underplays my childhood abuse to the point where she accuses my sister and I of simply making things up that make her look or feel bad, you have my sympathies.

Well, I am glad to hear it. But I was manipulated by Social Work. It ended up in me formally cimplaining because I was being told I had to do things I was unable to do by SW saying it was my legal responsibility. I was bursting into tears at work, in hairdressers, at random other times due to SW. My complaint was fully upheld. I am glad you aren't one of those Social Workers who coerce people, but I can only say my experience with SW was that they coerced me and made me ill. I had a 40 year job in financial seevices but have never fully recovered from my experience of Social Work for my father

"Just to add - I’m currently working on going lower & lower contact with her but when you’ve grown up and this has been your normal and all of a sudden realise as an adult how fucked up that was it’s incredibly hard to just go NC when it’s never been an issue before and many other family members would be greatly affected."

This happened to me too, I didn't realise things were wrong until I'd tried to kill myself and a specialist at the hospital was explaining to me why a whole bunch of things she'd done and said and how I was raised and how I viewed families wasn't normal.

I strongly agree with the mumsnet recommendation of Toxic Parents, it's an incredible book.

I went completely NC and yes it was hard, but having that poison and manipulation for another 20 years would have been harder. Especially as mine was constantly running up debts in my name from addiction related spending. You can do it if you want to. And you certainly shouldn't be going along with her lies or lack of mentioning the truth because it's validating.

Of course yanbu - you do not have to be a nurse for your mum, you have your own life.

If you can do so without being emotionally abused further, you can be involved in arranging care visitors etc. Most elderly folk are able to live a long time in their own home with gradually increasing care visits as needed, and some never get to the point where that's insufficient and a care home is needed.

Even if someone has a great relationship with their mum and had a happy childhood, being a full time carer can destroy that relationship and sour all the good memories. Far better to outsource the practical care work and use what emotionally energy you have wherever it is most needed.

I couldn't ask anyone I love to put their life on hold to be my carer. I want my children to live their lives to the full - have their careers, own families and wonderful experiences, not be tied to the physical and emotional labour involved in caring for an old lady. They can visit me as often as they like and tell me all the great things they've been doing with the lives they never asked for.
YANBU

Definitely not unreasonable. I looked after my parents, and even when I really wanted to, the stress nearly killed me. Caregiving is a hard, hard job, and that's when you feel privileged and honoured to do it! You can't possibly take that on, feeling the way you do about your mum.

There's nothing wrong with going into a home. There are perfectly good ones out there.

It might not even happen, anyway. She might not need lots of care. But do have a think about what you'll do if she develops cancer. Both mine had that. She can go into a nursing home, or have carers go to her house. There are prior stages though, where someone can still live independently but needs someone to be with them the first night after a chemo infusion, for example. I haven't read the entire thread, but if you have other family members who could do this for you, and things like going with her to appointments and scans, you could split these things up.

If she DOES get cancer, do NOT be guilted into living with her or having her live with you. It's not necessary. Plenty of people live alone when they have cancer and they generally cobble together lots of help via Macmillan, other visiting nurses, home helps, friends, relatives, etc.

Thing is, its easy to say when you are young and fit and able.

My own parents both said that to me, but I know for a fact that when the time comes for my mother, she will fight tooth and nail and lay the emotional bullshit on the line. Not least because, in a lot of cases, by the time care is becoming needed, the person themselves often cant or wont see that and thinks that are coping fine and just need a "bit of a hand now and then". Thats why so many refuse carers despite very obviously needing them.

I have a friend who works in care and she said that by far the easiest service users are the ones who have needed to utilise carers for a spouse or child. The ones who had them for parents were very difficult as they saw their parents as old and ill but themselves as still being ok.

Yeah, I can't imagine expecting my kids to take care of me.

YANBU at all

Yes but I am sure you also cant imagine having early stage dementia, where the world is now a scary place that you dont recognise or understand.. Where people you know and love are suddenly not as familiar anymore and where the kids you love are saying that you need to uproot from the one last thing you have that makes you feel safe, your home, and live in a new place with complete strangers.

Thats the reality of ageing with cognitive decline.

I complete agree that the OP should say no to her mother, but I am simply pointing out that saying, when you are not elderly or suffering with illness or dementia, that you dont want your kids to care for you is very easy but there is a very good chance you wont always feel that way.

No No No YANBU

I remember my mother clutching my hand and through tears saying she was going to need me now to lean on and help look after her as she couldn’t rely on “the boys” at my DFs funeral. I walked away after and said to one SIL one of “ the boys” wifes it wasn’t going to fucking happen! Her precious golden boys could look after her, I was never ever good enough at anything else in my life according to her so there is absolutely no fucking way I was taking her on after my DF died.

There is a lot lot more but after my DF died I actually couldn’t take it, I’d only resumed contact after several years NC because I wanted my DCs to know my Dad even if he was her biggest enabler, I couldn’t face that at the time and still wanted a relationship with him. After he’d gone I lasted 12 months almost to the day to go fully NC and haven’t looked back.

I feel no guilt which is very strange when you’re brought up to feel in the wrong about everything in your life. I just feel relife she isn’t my problem. Family that have a problem with that can deal with it, I don’t want to know what they think, they didn't have my life.

The golden child fled the country a few years ago so I don’t think will be around to wipe her arse and the other “boy” still feels a sense of duty but absolutely would not have her under his roof, it will be a home or nothing. Given she’s not got a pot to piss in I suspect she will put up with him paying for a home.

We lost six or seven years caring for my FIL who lived his whole life as a self-indulgent and manipulative child.
Our reason for doing so was that we didn't want to feel that we hadn't lived up to our values and strong sense of family.
My advice to potential carers is that any boundaries need to be outlined at the outset - doctors, social workers etc only want a single name, email and number. If possible - if there are several family members - suggest an irregular time period, ten days or three weeks each, if you do a whole month, the rest of the family will have disappeared by the end of it.
As it was, we still felt guilty (for nothing) and spent thousands making his sheltered housing flat fit for habitation.

I agree. It's because I love my grandmother that I wanted her to move to a care home, and long before it happened.

Before dementia, she was caring, generous, fun and loving and we had a very close relationship. In her own home, she wasn't safe or happy, and her high care needs, dementia behaviour, and constant crisis were damaging her relationships.

In the care home, the carers are trained and experienced. She's settled there, and family are visitors rather than carers. And I, as her POA and next of kin, can live a life outside of it (although I still need to do a lot especially when she has a health scare etc). It's much better for everyone.

Now she's on end of life care and I am so glad it's happening in the CH where she is well looked after, settled, medication available, etc. I can spend time with her, but don't have to dress bedsores, do PC, move her, etc. I can just sit with her.

Stand firm OP.

OP, I spent years caring for a different family member, mostly out of guilt and worry (it was mental health and alcohol related).

You're doing well in realising you don't have to do this (unlike myself). Stand firm, like PP says.

I suspect this is because the abusive ones are often narcissists.

My mother is an utter bitch. She allowed pedos to abuse myself and my sister, when she found out what was happening to me she was more concerned about having a pregnant 13yr old than stopping the abuse so she put me on the pill.

That was the worst in a long list of neglect and abuse.

She thinks she was a wonderful mother.

I hate her and have had no contact for many years now. She has no idea what country I'm in even.

Before I went NC she told me she expected me to financially support her. My answer was a firm NO.

She now lives alone in poverty, she's always been horrible with money and she's so nasty she drives friends and family away.

The only upside of having an abusive parent is you get to drive the Karma Bus. I have a clear conscience in being NC and refusing to have anything whatsoever to do with her. She will die alone due to her life choices and she is not my responsibility.

For all of us with abusive narcissistic parents I recommend the concept of reciprocity. They deserve no more than what they gave us, which is nothing.

I don’t want my kids to look after me in my old age. My biggest wish for them is to lead healthy, happy and fulfilled lives, not become my carer. I would like to be visited, but not cared for.

Even if your mum hadn’t been such a terrible mum, I’d tell you not to become her carer in old age, unless you desperately wanted to. I’ve done that for my mum and my grandparent and it’s all consuming and really hard.

I have a pretty dreadful relationship with my 91 yr old father and loathe having anything to do with him. I'm as LC as possible, totally understand you OP, I don't be getting involved in his care although would make appropriate phone calls as he's all alone in the world (funnily enough....)

Did you mean to type that or was that a typo? Surely if your siblings are aware that if they choose to look after her you will not be helping because you wouldn't be helping anyway, even if they decide to.

Just wondering one other thing OP - are you the only daughter/sister in the family and are your siblings all male?

It was made very clear to me,while growing up,I was the only girl and I was to provide care when the time comes

I had a similar upbringing-im convinced my darling grandad (who brought me up,saved me)

He died and it was always the expectation I would take on any care for them both when the time came

They've had a shock when I said I was going to contact

They've not bothered to ask why or make things better (in fact they td me in a fit of temper that im nothing more than a common slut and a bad daughter) so I've stuck to it and moved over 140 miles away

My brothers,who joined in in the bullying of me ('its only a laugh innit?') are starting to get worried-if I'm not around to do their care,who will be without costing them a fortune?

(After all,they don't want to be dipping into their inheritance-it was made clear that women dont deserve to inherit anything,so i would never get a penny-not the point as i dont want it,but in their eyes women are free labour and nothing more than arse wipers)

It can be one of their wives or girlfriends-more fool them if they do-my brothers will show up enough to be the caring sons,but they won't ever get their own hands dirty

All I know is,it won't be me and I will go to my own grave having never lifted a finger for them (and I don't expect any care from my own adult dc)

(My mil,I'd do her care and more,she's treated me as her own dd from day one and we utterly adore her)

There are definitely a lot of threads like this. Neglectful/abusive parents who expect to be looked after by their children in old age.

There is often the dynamic of the 'golden child' who doesn't need to do anything for their parents but where the expectations of care are all on the 'scapegoat' child.

I don't think anyone should be obliged to be a hands-on carer for their elderly parents, even if their childhood was happy, but to expect your children to care for you in old age when you have given them a dreadful childhood is deluded. It is just another way to continue the abuse in my opinion.