Is this a massive red flag and should I just end it completely?

[SoggyRamen]

I met a guy online around June, we chatted for a while and started seeing each other regularly in September, we’ve been seeing each other since then.
I opened up to him and told him about my past relationship with my ex, who was a violent alcoholic and the trauma I have from it. Everything continued as normal.
I invited him to my house for the first time last weekend, while he was at mine we were looking through his calender on his phone to see when our schedules matched up around kids etc, and I spotted an appointment in his calender, scheduled every week called ‘sponsor call’ so I asked what it was and it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, he
admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me.

I though about it a lot and decided that I didn’t want to risk putting myself into a similar situation as I was in before, he assured me it wasn’t a problem and that he’s a nice guy but I’ve tried to distance myself since then.
He says he understands but would still like me to go to his works Christmas party this weekend and if I don’t go with him he probably won’t go. I feel terrible to let him down, would it just be best to cut all ties with him knowing what I now know and knowing that I’ll never get into a full relationship with him because of his issues around alcohol.

Yes, cut your losses

No, no, no.
End it bluntly, leaving no route back,‘It’s not what I’m looking for, it’s over, goodbye’.

Id look into Al Anon for families and ask about counselling. You are vulnerable in some way to certain types and perhaps subconsciously pick up that people need rescuing in some way. Not all addicts are manipulative obviously but I’d strongly suggest you don’t tell any future prospective dates about your past yet. I had a past of violent controlling men and I kept falling for the same man unfortunately but therapy really helped me see why.

Do what works best you.

You don't owe him a relationship, you can change your mind at any point. You could end it because you don't like his socks if you want.

You don't need to seek guidance on here about what a red flag is - it sounds like it's a red flag to you and that's good enough.

If you don't fancy dating a recovering alcoholic, then don't! There are other men out there.

I'd probably be hesitant to disclose your previous abusive relationship and trauma so early on - you've only really known him a few months so you're still getting to know him and trying to find out if you're safe with him.

I typed that quite quickly, reading it back, it sounds a bit aggressive! I meant it in a nice, supportive, empowering way, honest!

he assured me it wasn’t a problem

You are the judge of that, not him. If you feel that you want to back away now you have that information, then that's what you do. He doesn't get to buy you back in and manipulate you with some ten bob Christmas party, if he goes or not that's nothing to do with you.

I'd walk away, mainly because when you opened up to him about your experience with an alcoholic, he sat on the information that he himself is an alcoholic, and had you not seen that calender over his shoulder you probably wouldn't know now.

Leave it alone, this one isn't for you. Unless you like making life hard for yourself.

" If you're not going then I won't either", is classic manipulation. Throw this one back.

No!

the time for him to tell you was when he knew that his history would be a factor for you due to your own experience and yet he still chose to keep quiet knowing that due to that finding out eventually would turn it in to a big deal for you.
its not even so much that he has had a history with alcohol, it is that he thinks nothing of hiding something from you to make his life easier even though he knows it’s something that would matter to you to know.

if he’s happy to lie hold back now what if life going to look like together?

apart from all that, he has gone through AA which presumably means he has decided that he has an issue with alcohol, still sees a sponsor and yet mentioned nothing to you while still drinking alcohol. That is not a healthy situation to be in. That right there is still having an issue with alcohol.
i thought also that it was thought that you should wait a year because you considered going into a New Romantic relationship until you have time to get a handle on the new lifestyle.

I do feel a bit bad for him. He's getting help for the alcohol and sounds like he's not done anything wrong to you. Poor guy is probably trying to get his life sorted. That said, do what you feel is right as you need to look after you.

You should end it.
If you end up going to the Christmas party do it as a one off favour for a mate and do not travel there with him nor travel home with him.
Go under your own steam and leave when it best suits you.

would still like me to go to his works Christmas party this weekend and if I don’t go with him he probably won’t go.

This is plain manipulation. Designed to put you under pressure to go, you've already expressed a boundary, and one he seems willing to trounce with no rhought.

Yep, this is manipulative.

It’s a works Christmas party, most people go without partners or +1s. He is not your responsibility at all, don’t let him guilt trip you. He’s hoping to “win” you back somehow at the party.

Cut ties, listen to your instincts and gut.

I’d get rid. If he’s a member of AA with a sponsor he shouldn’t be drinking at all so he really hasn’t accepted that he’s got a problem and he’s probably lying to his sponsor. This has got trouble written all over it.

Putting aside the alcohol issues this looks like enough of a red flag on its own.

Pity is not a reason to stay with someone.

He held back a crucial piece of information about himself.
He's not got his drinking under control.
He is trying to guilt and manipulate you.

All massive red flags

He is a liar. He lied to you, he is most definitely lying to his sponsor and this won’t change as ‘it’s not a problem’.

You deserve better than this. End it now, his Christmas party is no concern of yours, do not let him manipulate you.

Treat yourself, use whatever you would have spent on his Christmas gift!

Poor guy? If he's trying to get his life sorted a good start would be some honesty and integrity. He was not open about being an alcoholic when there was a really good moment for him to share that information, and he's attending sponsor meetings and still drinking. It's not looking good for him if this is him making an effort to get his shit together.

He has tried to openly manipulate OP into attending a function with him.

If you're not looking for a project then stay away, especially if you have a past with an alcoholic partner that was traumatic, I'd say this was heading in the same direction.

You do not owe him your pity or support, you've known him since September. It's November.

You've already experienced trauma with a violent alcoholic. Please don't put yourself or your children in a position where you are involved with another alcoholic.

You need and deserve to be in a healthy relationship.

This situation is a good example of the difference between people vulnerable to being abused and those who are not.

People who are chaotic in some way cast the net out wide and people vulnerable to abuse without appropriate boundaries ignore the warning signs — usually as they have been taught to do in early childhood relationships— and those who aren’t vulnerable to abuse react appropriately to the red flag behaviour. People think abusers target vulnerable people and of course they do to some extent but the way they truly operate is testing boundaries and overstepping boundaries bit by bit.

If he is in AA he should not be drinking and he should not be manipulating you over a small issue like a Christmas party.

He absolutely has done something wrong - he’s trying to emotionally manipulate and guilt trip the OP.

Run away, now.

It sounds like he has a healthy relationship with alcohol now and is managing his addiction well.

The big BUT, is that with your past experience, you are going to be on edge forever expecting a slip up. It will be difficult for you to trust and commit fully.

For you, this is a red flag.

He sounds manipulative, I would back out of this if I were you.

I went through some bad stuff with my ex. I don't open up about it unless I really know and trust a person. I feel like they'd somehow use it against me otherwise - consciously or unconsciously. Letting the wrong people know about your trauma is risky.

It's wrong that he tried to guilt trip you going to the works thing when you ended the relationship. Don't go OP.

Someone who goes to AA meetings, yet still drinks alcohol?! My husband's cousin is an alcoholic (and drugs) and is currently in a residential rehabilitation unit for a year. This is the third time in probably 20 years. Usually someone who has an issue with alcohol doesn't drink, surely that's the whole point of alcohol support groups?! The fact you told him regarding your experiences with a person who is an alcoholic, and he never admitted to his issues, is a red flag. If you hadn't spotted that appointment in his calendar, would he have eventually told you? Or would he have kept it a secret? I guess he'd have kept it quiet for as long as he could, until he was sure you were smitten enough with him, to accept it. As for the 'if you don't come to my Christmas party, I doubt I'll go' statement, that's emotional blackmail. You owe this man zero. You are barely into a relationship with him. I would end it now, there's no future in the relationship, so pointless in continuing. In the future, I wouldn't be so quick to 'open up' to a man, you need to get to know him first.

If he went to AA and had a sponsor then he must have thought he had a pretty big problem. Most people who think "gosh I've been drinking a bit more recently" just cut down at home. The fact that he is back drinking and trying to manipulate you into continuing a relationship you no longer won't are both big red flags. I'd dump this guy and I don't have an alcoholic ex!